ZE OLYMPICS. LIKE THE SUPPORT BAND TO THE END OF THE WORLD. LET US BOTTLE THIS GARBAGE OFFSTAGE.

Ok so first of all i have little to no interest in sport. It involves neither beer or sharking to get laid so has no merit in my eyes. 

Every four years the BBC give hours and hours of TV and radio coverage to sports that nobody has heard of, the whole world comes together to watch some tit from lowestoft wiggle their arse in a walking race. Walking is not a sport. Walking is what you do when travelling to the shop on a hungover sunday to purchase milk, fags and possibly a copy of the sunday sport (which has no sport but many half naked women, somethiing i can get behind).

Have you ever seen this shit in action? Seriously, people dedicate their lives to this: 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

She actually looks like a hooker in a hurry, which is a much better name than "racewalking" which sounds like some kind of charity supported by Lenny Henry.

Seen here as M. Bison in Shakespeare's Othello.

Dressage. Which until now i believed to be a quantity of dresses, is actually a fucking wii game brought horribly to life. In short, a horse minces about with some tophatted gobshite burdening it then stops. That's it. Wear hat. Move horse. This is not a sport, it's a gesture. 

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at one point one of the commentators in this video says "look how straight they are". No comment.

Apparently that was dramatic. 300 was dramatic. This is someone riding a horse. Zero drama, many hats. Not a sport. Next.

Here are some ideas for improving the olympics. 

1. Have it on a massive floating platform in the middle of the ocean, with no railings. That way nothing is safe. You want drama? You got it! 
2. Dressage, ping pong and mincing are out. Chainsaw fighting, men's freestyle punch ups and women's freestlye catfighting are in.
3. THUNDERDOME
4. Pie eating contests, i know its not a sport but neither is fucking ping pong.
5. Sue barker out. Kelly brook in.
6. Crucify adrian chiles on a massive cross made of license payer's frozen piss.
7. For the ladies, the ever likeable and charming Ryan Reynolds.
8. Women's competitive cosplay, why? Here's why.

For those of you now up on the term, in short here are the 2 opposing extremes of cosplay; 

WINNING!!!!!!!!!!

Ehhhhhh..... not so much.

So now we have that out of the way (stop looking at cammy, i saw her first) we can move on to the most annoying thing about this utter shitparade. The Opening ceremony. We get a bunch of precocious little shits and parade them round a stadium in front of THE WHOLE WUUURRRLLLL because apparently the people of Darfur and Libya will probably down tools for a bit to watch some affulletics after seeing some grinning little shit piss about with a flag. Wonderful. "hey, remember when i had the ebola virus and watched some competitive walking? cleared it right up!". Seriously these ceremonies beggar belief. The closing one at the last one was odd enough. Jimmy Page appeared on the top of a bus and Liona Lewis murdered a Led Zeppelin song in front of THE WHOOLLLL WUUURRRLLL then Boris Johnson failed to wave a flag. Then people who were meant to represent british culture but were more like an eastern European Village People came out and danced a bit. Then, and i'm taking this as a quote:

"A handover of a treasured English football by a child of the world to a child of London that takes place by the bus -- a symbolic gesture reflecting the importance of friendship and young people to the Olympic Movement."

 Okay. So one, London is in the world. I live in the world and i've been to London. It's nice, i liked it, and it is DEFINITELY in the world. So that kid who stole the football, wherever he was from, is the one who isn't on the world mate.

Secondly "the importance of friendship and young people to the olympic movement". Please come and form an orderly queue for me to kick you all in the fucking teeth.What a tepid, boring thing to say. This is sports! It's COMPETITIVE. You COMPETE in events to WIN. This statement makes it sound like a fucking 90's music video by arrested development. Hippie scum. This is why we need thunderdome. 

I can't wait for these tourists to flood in to watch this garbage only to get knifed up by some horrid little chav in an alley somewhere. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of. Sarcasm, Xenophobia, Surreal humour, satire, binge drinking, casual drug use, teen pregnancy, poverty and bland food. That'll show the bastards! Come on world! bring your "children of the world" over here and unleash Jeremy Kyle's finest on 'em! Let's 'ave it!

I'm going to introduce hooliganism to the olympics. I'm going to get monumentally drunk, paint myself with the St George's flag and scream EEEENGERLUUUUNNNNN at the opening ceremony then throw bottles of napalm at the international fuckwits who turn up to bellend it up for half an hour while taxpayers money goes up in a shitload of fireworks. That's right, i work in a job i hate and pay taxes for this shit. I should be represented. Fuck you, world. You're in my house now and i make the rules.

And you know what? if a couple of hundred people did turn up and act like that i would give them medals. They're doing more for this country by showing this garbage up for what it is than sitting at home blogging about it. I'm serious here. I hate the attitude behind the olympics. The people who organize it, the sports themselves. The slogans, the 50 grand logos. Boris Johnson. All of it. Call it all off and let's just spend the money on one massive pissup. Why? Here's why.

BECAUSE WE ARE ENGLISH. DRINKING AND FIGHTING IS WHAT WE DO. YOU DISAGREE? WELL COME ON, WORLD. OUTSIDE. COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF YOU TEPID, PING PONG PLAYING, DRESSAGE LOVING FUCKS.