I will ask questions today. They are multiple choice so not too hard. There are no "wrong" answers but i am aware this blog is public so by inserting the phrase Jersey Shore Nudity Blake Lively Dildo Ugg Ice-Docking Lisa Stansfield J-Lo Moist Fiasco I'll probably get more google results. If you found this blog in this way then please take the test. Then shoot yourself in the face you fucking pervert.
1. You would define respect as:
A) "I see that my flatmate has bought bacon. I sure could use a bacon sandwich, i'll ask if it's cool if i have some".
B) "That bloke on the street i just saw called me an arsehole after i repeatedly shouted abuse at him and his girlfriend. This is a Disrespect and i must rectify this."
C)"I would describe respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."
2. After a long and tiresome day, you stop by the local Off License to pick up some drinks. You choose:
A) A few cans of Lager because, although you won't drink them all, one of your friends might call over and it's always nice to offer them a beer.
B) White cider. It's cheap and gets you wrecked.
C) Maybe a bottle of wine, rose' or something.
3. You own a games console. Which one? And which games are you looking forward to?
A) You own a PS3 or XBOX 360. You're looking forward to playing the new Metal Gear, Arkham city and Assassin's Creed.
B) You own a ps2 or at a push a 360 and you only really play fifa or UFC. You await the new need for speed games with huge enthusiasm but think GTA is a bit cerebral and dont like the jokes.
C) you own a wii/Nintendo DS and you just cant wait to play.... I don't know, whatever shit they make for those non-soles.
4. You hear your mobile ringing, what type of mobile is it, and who is calling?
A) It's a nice new phone you have on contract. It has a touchscreen/qwerty keyboard and a really nice camera. You spend too much time messing with apps on it though. It's one of your friends or family calling to ask what you're up to later or just checking in.
B) Someone gave me this phone. honest. Who's calling? er... duno. It's an alright phone like but i had to get it unlocked coz it stopped working a couple of hours after i got it.
C) it's a pay as you go one but i only stick ten pounds a year on it and only use it in an emergency. They're so expensive!
5. The last album you bought was?
A) I don't pay for music. The last piece of music i paid for was a charity single by Radiohead. Before that some obscure alternative group. The last thing i downloaded was a shitload of Rolling Stones albums, they're boss but it's not like Mick Jagger needs the money now is it?
B) A ringtone of that J-Lo Lambada abortion. Other than that you get your mate to do you a cd of pleasure rooms stuff or whatever identikit hip-hop foetus is popular this fucking week. Are you picking up a pattern here? No, you're not you fucking cretin.
C) That Susan boyle one, stop being shocked at what i said at the end of that last option. You're no less wretched.
6. You go shopping. Where?
A) Asda or tesco, they're both pretty cheap but you can get some nice stuff and a man can't live on readymeals. Gotta cook once in a while, because if you can cook you can impress. And impressing girls gets you places.
B) Iceland. I like them things they do for a quid but usually i'll have chippy or somethin.
C) I usually order from Acado and only buy organic, it's just better.
7. You have a date, who with and where do you go?
A) To a nice bar, no idiots and a decent vibe, sometimes they have bands on and they do food as well so if you get there early you can grab something. Don't want it too formal. I met her through a friend of mine, she's pretty awesome.
B) Met this bird who used to go out with me mate. probably go round hers coz shes got the kids. im gonna bring vodka though.
C) a meal at an expensive restaurant followed by yachting.
END OF QUIZ. NOW PREPARE FOR JUDGEMENT.
Mostly A's: You are like me, so therefore pretty awesome. You're a big hit with the ladies and own a nice phone, you're kick-ass at videogames and have impeccable taste, a massive penis and can benchpress many times your own size. You are a god among men, and likely have the faint fragrance of petrol about your person, despite not being anywhere near petrol. Sometimes you like to shave with a hunting knife, just because you can, and you probably like to go out to the woods and fight bears. Not because you dislike them, but because you want to earn their trust. You can probably fly helicopters too, fuck i want to buy you a beer right now. You magnificent beast.
Mostly B's. You're scum. Hate to break it to ya son, but you're worthless. You have nothing to offer society and should really just stop breeding. After all, do we really need any more illiterate car theives? Though if by some black magic or other you're actually reading this, even if you're mouthing the words, there may be hope. Buy a suit. Stop saying "lad" because you are NOT Optimus Prime. Your friends? fuck 'em. I'm giving you an out here, offering you a hand. They might find this, they probably won't but if they do? Yeah i'll help them too. Walk into the Jobcentre and tell them you are looking for work and you WILL take anything. You're not scared of hard work anymore, you're primed. You're ready. You're fucking dumb, but there might be a use for you other than wall insulation. Read a fucking book once in a while, stop listening to anything with a rapper and have some fucking self respect.
Remember i said before there are no "wrong" answers? I lied, you yourself are a wong answer to a rhetorical question. There's hope of course, but it fades every day you maintain this behaviour.
Mostly C's You are a midedle aged woman, how in the name of godly jism did you end up here? Kudos to you though, you've got tenacity. And you probably know what Tenacity means. You probably noticed that my grammar isn't amazing either. Well guess what? This man makes his own grammar. And that shit is MANLY.
I hope this enriched your lives.
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