SHOWBIZ NEWS! I BRANCH OUT IN TEH BIDNISS OF SHOWS. SPOILER! IT'S ALL LIES.

HI THERE! I BUNKED OFF WORK TODAY AND HITCHHIKED DOWN TO LONDON TO PISS ABOUT LOOKING FOR SHOWBIZ NEWS. I FOUND SOME AND HERE IT IS.

Kerry Katona was in islington before, saw her in the street, stuffing her face with snack-a-jacks. Salt and vinegar ones. Dirty cow. She was with her new squeeze, captain pickyshits, he's off that advert where the kid wants to go do a dirty protest at pauls house. Twat.

Paul reckons that kid what keeps doing a shit at his house is a right little cunt and has started going round saying paul's dad is a bender. Paul's not happy about this and is after a straightner in the church hall car park at 6pm on tuesday. Pikey power are giving decent odds on this, i threw a tenner down on paul because seriously? If some little bastard kept coming and shitting in my house because my mum could afford fancy fucking air freshner i'd probably chin the little fucker an all. Anyway good luck Paul. You thuggish little scamp.

Paul's dad Says he's not a bender and anything captain pickyshits says about him is a load of bollocks caused by bog envy, right? I bumped into pauls dad outside some pub what was playing the scissor sisters at 2am and had a load of drag queens and that outside. Theyre a friendly lot them, god bless em. Anyway paul's dad says if you have a problem you can come and sort it out with him on hampstead heath anytime after ten, he says he'll wrestle the living shit out of you, yeah?

The ginger one out of girls allowed was in soho today dry humping a bloody bollard. Poor sod has lost it i reckon. She seemed pissed. Had half a bottle of frosty jacks in her primark handbag. Must be difficult being the least fit member of girls aloha, but cheer up minger! You could have been the ugly one out the spice girls, they looked like a fucking cardiff hen night after a fucking terrorist attack. Scrubbers.

Which premiership footballer is an overpaid oxygen theif with no more right to an opinion than a fucking goldfish, and half the intelligence? Mincing around a field with a woman's haircut that cost more than your house and tattoos that have about as much meaning as a fucking scooter record? Laughing at the fact that you, yes you, who go out and work your arse off for a living, have paid an extortionate fee to stand next to some gurning cunt who screams obscenities at officials in fornt of his inbred little kids for simply doing their jobs while smug commentators make remarks about young women that your grandad would call archaic, while it pisses down on a saturday afternoon at a stadium that may as well be in downtown fucking kabul? All of them. If you see one, chin it.  It's the right thing to do.


Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in panto this year despite several offers. "i done aladdin a few years back and i've never heard the end of it" the unfunny, lanky, goggle eyed, granny-bothering fucktard said.

Bruce willis is fucking excellent because he was in DIE HARD Which deserves to win the best film oscar every year until the oscars are replaced with MECHA-OSCARS in which case it'll still win.

THAT'S ALL THE SHOWBIZ NEWS FOLKS. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED IT. MEANWHILE SOME HORSES WERE BIZARRELY ELECTROCUTED AND THE PEOPLE OF EGYPT HAVE ACTUALLY BROUGHT DOWN A GOVERNMENT.