TODAY NOTHING ANNOYING HAS HAPPENED YED BUT FOR SOME REASON I CRAVE SHREDDIES. FEEL MY PAIN.

So today nothing annoying happened. Work was easy and we had many conversations. A young girl turned out to have a mind made of filth and another woman turned out to have an unnerving attraction to badgers. This situation led to the discovery that said girls would enjoy a night of sapphic naughtiness with Buffy the vampire slayer and that pillows under the lower back have some effect in certain situations.

Aside from this i drew leprechauns and humoured the elderly. Birkenhead was still a teeming shitblister upon the skin of the north west and the ideal setting for a low budget remake of Taxi Driver. Robert De Niro is out- we'd be lucky to land Ron Dixon from Brookisde as our Travis Bickle (i mean, is Ron still alive? if he is i bet he does working men's clubs now as a standup. He looks the type. Twat).

Anyway in between these groundbreaking social niceities i have come up with some ideas about television shows which i shall pitch to the BBC. I shall post the responses on here for you to view in due course. Like i'm going to get a reply.... pfft.

1. Snog, Marry, Annihilate! Similar to the BBC's long running parade of radioactive-skinned cosmetowhores- Snog, Marry, Avoid? This show takes any fucknut too stupid and supercilious for ITV's regional programming and asks them the same question. The difference? instead of talking to a fake robot, the unfortunate bellend-sapiens are more often than not plunged into an horrific future war against the machines. Their final, sunbed-craving thoughts lost in a hail of hot, white lazer fire before being skinned alive to house endoskeletons in their useless flesh. This will also have the effect of making said terminators easier to spot for the human resistance because they all look like a bunch of unemployed beauticians from fucking Bolton. Cunts.
2. Ah them good old days. Remember the good old days? The breadboy riding his two-wheeled-deathtrap up a near vertical hill to deliver you some hovis? His flat cap at a jaunty angle? Grazed knees and a friendly jack russell terrier barking playfully at his heels? Remember rationing and ginger beer on some wasteground? adventures in the woods in a time before we had to worry about terrorists and paedophiles around every corner, ready to rape some islam into defenceless kids? Well guess what? That shit was never real. The kid on the bike? a teddy boy. A ted with a cutthroat razor ready to carve you up good for a pint of mild and a bag of pork scratchings. Hitler round every corner and stalin debasing himself with a rope round his neck and your wife's fetid undies on his face in your wardrobe. No internet, no strip clubs, booze made in britain, whiskey you could use to strip paint. It was all a lie and you know it. This show features music by slayer and flashing images of transvestites fucking a blow up hitler.
3. Death or glory! So this one is a shameless x factor rip off but as it's the bbc we'll just do it on ice and get that forsyth fella involved. I mean, i say x factor rip off. it's essentially the same show but instead of the sarky comments and the usual "my dad exploded and he wanted this so bad, his flaming corpse told me to audition" shit (accompanied by fucking snow patrol) we just shoot anyone we don't like the look of in the face. The ice runs red with the blood of the talentless and society breathes a large sigh of a relief. The day after britain will wear the collective contented look of a man who has just shat a bowling ball.
4. The one sow. That's not a typo. it's just footage of a single female pig. Music by- oddly enough- pig destroyer.

1. Eastenders; BEYOND THUNDERDOME. The children of the current residents of Walford take centre stage! It's the year 2029. 10 years after the war against belgium and the park bit where people go to sit on the bench and cry in the middle of albert square is now THUNDERDOME! Watch as Ben Mitchell, out on probation, takes a fucking chainsaw to all comers. You laughed at his disability and wet blanket antics as a child and now he's a neurotic mess who's rage can only be slaked by blood. Marvel as Ian Beale touts tickets outside under the nose of the big boss himself- Ricky Butcher! Feel a bit sick as Angie watts returns to the square to sing we don't need another hero! Weep as Phil and Grant solve their differences through a manly discussion about the merits of MECHA-ARSENAL's starting 11. 

Thats all i can be arsed writing for now like. I'm a bit knackered to be honest. I know Charlie Brooker has done this much better a long time ago so if you thought this was remotely funny go check out www.tvgohome.com as it's much better than anything i've written.

Goodbye you gorgeous fuckers.