I AM GOING TO SHOVE THE ENTIRE GAMING INDUSTRY UP YOUR "CASUAL" FUCKING ARSE. COCK.

Apparently Nintendo is about to unveil the successor to the wii this year. While i used to be a massive, MASSIVE Nintendo fan, my enthusiasm is a tad muted in the face of this announcement. Why? Well. Let me take your country ass back to 1990. It was christmas and my mum and dad, due to being awesome, had bought me the latest must have gadget for kids my age. I woke up on christmas morning and tore the paper off a brand spanking new gameboy. It was beige. It was the size of a brick. It had a screen the size of a 2 pound coin and it
ROCKED.
MY.
TINY.
WORLD.
I still have it. And here it is. In my hands.

Along with a mobile phone one third it's size which can record an hour of HD 720 video and carry god knows how many songs. It could fit the entire library of gameboy titles on it comfortably. Would i play games on it? nope. Can't be bothered, but you bet your arse i still bust out tetris and metroid 2 on the gameboy now and again.

Anyway after the gameboy i was given an NES the christmas after. the cartridges were MASSIVE! The games were massive too! I remember one birthday getting probotector (contra) and bill and ted's bogus journey on video. What a summer that was. Constantly hammering probotector, getting just a little further every time. I didn't know about the konami code because there was no internet, and i couldnt afford expensive magazines as a 10 year old kid. So what did i do? i tried, again and again, to beat the game. one day i did. I finally beat contra. Now i'll tell you that losing my virginity and ordering my first pint in a pub were great moments for me. The first time i got to see a lady buck nekkid, the time i found that porn behind the cinema in allerton. The first time i went to a gig on my own (wellm, with a few friends, blur- 1993 on the great escape tour in manchester, but i digress) but not one of those things can compare to the majesty of seeing an 8-bit helicopter fly away from an exploding island and seeing the congratulations screen telling me that i had just tore red falcon a new one. I still play it, i still love it and every time i hear people whine that it's too hard i think the same.

Man the fuck up.

And that is pretty much the whole point of this blog. Dara O'Brien is an excellent comedian and did this really funny bit on metal gear which had me in stitches, but he also said something along the lines of "games are the only medium where if you havent got enough skill you dont get to see the whole thing, if you go to see a film they dont throw you out halfway because you can't press a sequence of buttons". I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it.
Anyway i don't agree. Games are interactive entertainment but without challenge what is the point? That's like saying during the world cup finals the whole thing should be predetermined and scripted. What's the point? Tere is a level of interaction with games that should at least give you the illusion of controlling events. Whether that's managing to survive a gunfight in COD or managing to avoid tiny white missile dots in gradius. There is a point, there's something you're working toward and a sense of accomplishment in seeing an end sequence. If a game decides to just roll over and let you win then that sense of accomplishment is lost. I just got the S rank on level 5 of hard corps uprising. I did the 1st 3 lwevels without being hit. That is skill! Maybe you're impressed by that, maybe not. The thing is when i see the S rank medal and hear the voice say "A TRUE WARRIOR!" I'm punching the air and jumping up and down. Maybe thats a bit sad but it makes me very happy. I'm a gamer, its what i love doing.
Now with the release of the wii nintendow showed some visuals from Zelda, twilight princess and i was pretty much sold. My ex girlfriend loved the idea because of wii sports and that. I figured it would be a return to those glorious days spent in the jungles of god knows where twatting robots with a flamethrower.

I had a wii for 2 years. In those 2 years i bought 8 games.

I now have a PS3 and have owned that for 3 years. my trophy list has over 60 games on it. Now, is sony more catered towards my tastes? Perhaps. Does the PS3 have more choice. Certainly.
The wii was a dedicated games machine, and that is admirable. It didn't try to lure you in with bells and whistles and blurays and whatever. It just played games. Why, then, did nintendo decide to not concerntrate on it's incredibly popular franschises with the exception of mario? Where was kid icarus, where was a first party metroid title (not that the prime series was bad, far from it. one of my favourite gaming series ever). Where was starfox? I mean a starfox game with motion controls would have been immense!
The only games i really played on wii were old virtual console titles. These are titles i could easily find for nothing on the internet but due to a twisted loyalty to Nintendo i shelled out on starfox 64, super mario brothers, super contra and uper metroid etc. Every time i played them it just reminded me of what nintendo were doing wrong.

So now the wii 2 is coming out and i have a horrible feeling that it's going to be a huge let down. Another hannah montana horse trainer game that is bundled with a pink fucking console. Fuck them, you knwo what needs to be done? a dedicated games machine for "casual" gamers. The Man united fans of the gaming world. It will be a shitty box with an on and off button and voice recognition that straight up asks you what you want to play. If the pleb in front of it says "HERP A DERP I WUN PLEH MUSIC GAME" The machine opens a small tray with a plastic flute in it that the moron then proceeeds to slobber into while the fucking console blasts N*Dubz at them. No skill. just act like youre doing something. Want to beat the boss in "SUPERLOVELYFUMBLEGARDEN: FLOWERS AND SHERBERT EDITION"? Just wiggle a stick at the screen. The machine will tell the boss to just go home, no violence. oh no. Cant have that.
I want to release a fitness title that is just some random bloke screaming "GO FOR A WALK YOU FAT FUCK. IT'S SUNNY! GO ON! FUCK OFF OUT!".
Well it beats standing around with a fuckng balance board. cheaper and all.

And you know what this piece of shit casual bastard industry ruining smegma bucket will be called?
*sigh*
Yeah, thats right. An out loud sigh.
Go out and buy a fucking sigh because you just arent hardcore enough.

ZE OLYMPICS. LIKE THE SUPPORT BAND TO THE END OF THE WORLD. LET US BOTTLE THIS GARBAGE OFFSTAGE.

Ok so first of all i have little to no interest in sport. It involves neither beer or sharking to get laid so has no merit in my eyes. 

Every four years the BBC give hours and hours of TV and radio coverage to sports that nobody has heard of, the whole world comes together to watch some tit from lowestoft wiggle their arse in a walking race. Walking is not a sport. Walking is what you do when travelling to the shop on a hungover sunday to purchase milk, fags and possibly a copy of the sunday sport (which has no sport but many half naked women, somethiing i can get behind).

Have you ever seen this shit in action? Seriously, people dedicate their lives to this: 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

She actually looks like a hooker in a hurry, which is a much better name than "racewalking" which sounds like some kind of charity supported by Lenny Henry.

Seen here as M. Bison in Shakespeare's Othello.

Dressage. Which until now i believed to be a quantity of dresses, is actually a fucking wii game brought horribly to life. In short, a horse minces about with some tophatted gobshite burdening it then stops. That's it. Wear hat. Move horse. This is not a sport, it's a gesture. 

<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zKQgTiqhPbw?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

at one point one of the commentators in this video says "look how straight they are". No comment.

Apparently that was dramatic. 300 was dramatic. This is someone riding a horse. Zero drama, many hats. Not a sport. Next.

Here are some ideas for improving the olympics. 

1. Have it on a massive floating platform in the middle of the ocean, with no railings. That way nothing is safe. You want drama? You got it! 
2. Dressage, ping pong and mincing are out. Chainsaw fighting, men's freestyle punch ups and women's freestlye catfighting are in.
3. THUNDERDOME
4. Pie eating contests, i know its not a sport but neither is fucking ping pong.
5. Sue barker out. Kelly brook in.
6. Crucify adrian chiles on a massive cross made of license payer's frozen piss.
7. For the ladies, the ever likeable and charming Ryan Reynolds.
8. Women's competitive cosplay, why? Here's why.

For those of you now up on the term, in short here are the 2 opposing extremes of cosplay; 

WINNING!!!!!!!!!!

Ehhhhhh..... not so much.

So now we have that out of the way (stop looking at cammy, i saw her first) we can move on to the most annoying thing about this utter shitparade. The Opening ceremony. We get a bunch of precocious little shits and parade them round a stadium in front of THE WHOLE WUUURRRLLLL because apparently the people of Darfur and Libya will probably down tools for a bit to watch some affulletics after seeing some grinning little shit piss about with a flag. Wonderful. "hey, remember when i had the ebola virus and watched some competitive walking? cleared it right up!". Seriously these ceremonies beggar belief. The closing one at the last one was odd enough. Jimmy Page appeared on the top of a bus and Liona Lewis murdered a Led Zeppelin song in front of THE WHOOLLLL WUUURRRLLL then Boris Johnson failed to wave a flag. Then people who were meant to represent british culture but were more like an eastern European Village People came out and danced a bit. Then, and i'm taking this as a quote:

"A handover of a treasured English football by a child of the world to a child of London that takes place by the bus -- a symbolic gesture reflecting the importance of friendship and young people to the Olympic Movement."

 Okay. So one, London is in the world. I live in the world and i've been to London. It's nice, i liked it, and it is DEFINITELY in the world. So that kid who stole the football, wherever he was from, is the one who isn't on the world mate.

Secondly "the importance of friendship and young people to the olympic movement". Please come and form an orderly queue for me to kick you all in the fucking teeth.What a tepid, boring thing to say. This is sports! It's COMPETITIVE. You COMPETE in events to WIN. This statement makes it sound like a fucking 90's music video by arrested development. Hippie scum. This is why we need thunderdome. 

I can't wait for these tourists to flood in to watch this garbage only to get knifed up by some horrid little chav in an alley somewhere. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of. Sarcasm, Xenophobia, Surreal humour, satire, binge drinking, casual drug use, teen pregnancy, poverty and bland food. That'll show the bastards! Come on world! bring your "children of the world" over here and unleash Jeremy Kyle's finest on 'em! Let's 'ave it!

I'm going to introduce hooliganism to the olympics. I'm going to get monumentally drunk, paint myself with the St George's flag and scream EEEENGERLUUUUNNNNN at the opening ceremony then throw bottles of napalm at the international fuckwits who turn up to bellend it up for half an hour while taxpayers money goes up in a shitload of fireworks. That's right, i work in a job i hate and pay taxes for this shit. I should be represented. Fuck you, world. You're in my house now and i make the rules.

And you know what? if a couple of hundred people did turn up and act like that i would give them medals. They're doing more for this country by showing this garbage up for what it is than sitting at home blogging about it. I'm serious here. I hate the attitude behind the olympics. The people who organize it, the sports themselves. The slogans, the 50 grand logos. Boris Johnson. All of it. Call it all off and let's just spend the money on one massive pissup. Why? Here's why.

BECAUSE WE ARE ENGLISH. DRINKING AND FIGHTING IS WHAT WE DO. YOU DISAGREE? WELL COME ON, WORLD. OUTSIDE. COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF YOU TEPID, PING PONG PLAYING, DRESSAGE LOVING FUCKS.

BEFORE READING THIS YOU REALY SHOULD CLICK THE LINK BELOW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDSK91mUNLU

 

listen to this pice of shit.

So. Mika here thinks that "big girls are beautiful". Well as far as the girls in the video go some are ok. After a stylist, makeup artist and several post production folks have had a good tinker with you.

Thing is, this prick is telling every lardy twat in the country that they're just fucking fine and dandy as they are. Jamie Oliver dies for your sins and this is how you repay him!?!?

I could write a book about what is wrong with this situation but i'll settle for a blog post. Now, first of all i'm not using the word big. Lets call a spade a spade here. Fat. Yes, fat. That's right. Fat girls you are apparently beautiful. According to one man who would absolutely never even think of sleeping with you. 

Sorry to burst your bubble but the fact is Mika is very, very gay indeed and would never even entertain the thought of being anything other than a friend to you.

So on a typical night out wiht Mika you could expect to be chated up by some labourer from Bolton or something. Yay, go you! Fatty done pulled a retard! Well done. I hope you're happy together. 

A far more likely scenario is that you will sit there with Mika and watch men stay away in their droves, thats ok though! You're only out with your friend who understands you as a woman and sees you for who you are. Regardless of size. He'll get a call after a couple of hours and go see his "friend" but that's cool. You had a good night, you go home and sleep it off and you know what? It's all ok because he loves you for who you are and you're happy with your size. 20 or otherwise.

So you turn on the TV at home, and what comes on but that advert you like. You know? The diet coke one, where that gorgeous bloke comes and takes his top off! Ooh he's lovely isn't he? He's not there this time though. No, it's Eamonn Holmes.

He's not even that fat, but would you go round singing "average bloke, you are wonderful"? would you fuck.

Eamonn is standing there topless while these Bridget Jones types leer at him and give themselves in to a sexual frenzy. Still finding this cheeky, sexy, funny? No, no youre not. Why's this? Well because you just got fucking SERVED, thats why! 

Eamonn Holmes isn't even that fat, hes not massive, hes thouroughly averaged really for a middle aged man. Who is going round singing his praises? Do we have some woman singing a catchy disco-pop tune while a hundred husky but unremarkable middle aged men mince down some stairs behind them? No! 

I've a couple of theories about why this is and the first one is that men just don't care. You know why? No, it's not because men are stupid, you could NOT be further from the truth. It's because men do not care about this trivial shit due to the fact that we are too busy trying to improve ourselves and everything else. Yes, you read that right. Real men don't get involved in this superficial shit due to the fact that we are all too busy doing a job, or trying to make something of ourselves for our families, or to attract someone to start a family with. Granted we do attempt to scrub up when we need to but we don't need a fucking pop singer to tell us that we have permission to do so. Most men's attitude goes something like "why are you singing about me? because i'm AWESOME? Well i knew that already, fuck off!". 

Thats how we think because thats how we're MEANT to think.

The second theory is that the men who do need this positive reassurance are so ashamed of it that they do not want anyone drawing attention to this fact, well this isnt something i can help with too much except to say that if that is you, then just do everything you can to sort that shit out. I used to be a right fat bastard myself, i lost weight and it wasnt easy but i did it. I'm not skinny now by any means but you know what? I have a lot of self confidence because i know i'm a really god guy and i have a lot to be proud of. If you don't see that yourself then you're just not looking hard enough. Seriously, fucking internet fives.

So here comes the main points, the main one being that if you're reading this and you're a woman are you so insecure that you need some idiot to write a song to say you're ok? Do you fuck, what you need is to look in a mirror and say that maybe youre not megan fox, and maybe you're not perfect, but you will never need anyone to validate you as a person. You're doing ok, and as long as you accept that you're not perfect, but you could be a hell of a lot worse, then you don't need anyone to patronize you! Does the media stick size zero models everywhere? So what? Do you think i reckon i'll ever get a girl who looks like Natalie Portman? Do you think i want to? Hell no! As long as you give me a boner and are fun to hang out with we're fine!

Give yourself a break, its stupid to think that this is what's excpected of you!

Anyway what im saying is just be happy and that you have every right to be confident and happy. It's a symptom of something very wrong when Mika has to write shit like that song, it's not your fault and you should sort yourself out if you're unhealthy, but if you can be happy then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

FUCK YEAH. MAN THOUGHTS.

TAKE ME OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I am currently sat on the couch in the living room and as i type my friends are watching take me out. This show is ITV's latest salvo in the war against dignity and a very good argument for a Khmer Rouge style fascist genocide.
There is currently something resembling a particularly rubbish female drag king attempting to look like Preston From the ordainary boys running like a woman and begging to be loved by what looks like a friday night in fucking Cardiff. This is apparently entertaining because the studio audience seem to make screeching noises everytime Paddy McGuinness opens his stupid, northern wordhole. After choosing whatever bastion of feminism decides that Preston is worthy of sniffing their taint they are summarily packed off to some tropical paradise so they can sit outside eating in the wind and go surfing or something. All the time having conversations which would make Noel Coward implode with jealousy. Why do we want to see some povvy gobshite and some pointless little woman that has marginally less personality than a parsnip frolic about in the sun? We're sat in england miserable, cold and cynical. There is no reason to live vicariously through people who i would probably poke with a stick rather than talk to. I would be more likely to study their habits than fuck them.
The newest prole to beg for sex after arriving down the failtube is a scottish italian man who runs a chippy. Wonderful. He then proceeds to make pizza and say the words "spicy sausage" in a way that one of the harridans find amusing. It is then revealed that one of the girls still in the running to bone this knobjockey once "snogged a professional footballer". This is revealed by McGuinness in a manner that suggests that this woman had located a cure for cancer and created cold fusion in the same day. This pretty much sums up the entire show.
Another theme of the show is of a young welsh girl named Lucy. Lucy is a cute, pretty young lady who seems harmless and friendly even if she's not a bastion of intelligence. She actually seems like a nice person and someone even i would have a problem slagging off. Needless to say Lucy has been on this shitpile since records began and has yet to be chosen by any of the gurning fuckwits who grace the glittering floor of this sheer dickery.
The thing that baffles me most about this show, apart from the deification of stupidity, the cheapness of the whole thing, the speed dating on speed format, PADDY FUCKING MCGUINNESS (a man so devoid of any personality that if we put him in the LHC he would more than likely fuck the entire universe then start on any multiverses that may or may not exist, therefore absorbing us into him and rendering hell a vile, horrible reality), and the girls who with few exceptions make a tremendous argument for misogyny, that totally baffles me, is that a lot of my friends love this. Even some of the most intelligent people i know watch this every weekend without fail. To be honest i feel a bit left out. I bloody hate it. Maybe i'm just too cynical or jaded but the fact is i find this impossible to enjoy. Anyway if you read this far then well done. here is a picture.

BASTARD.

TODAY WAS A DAY OF GAMES. THE GAMES I PLAYED ARE DISPLAYED BEFORE EE.

One.
Are you female? If so are you reading this? why are you reading this? Are you skinny? are you pale? have you little to no self esteem? Do people find you a bit stupid? Do you wear glasses and go out with your friends who you believe are much better looking than you? Do they get hit on by scally bellends while you sit in the corner waiting, hoping, for a real man... a gentleman even.... to come and chase the clouds away from your life. To make it all ok, to feel a certain closeness with, to curl up on the couch in your jammies with and watch bridget jones with while drinking a bottle of that nice wine you found in asda for about 7 quid? Do you want to spend saturday night poised in front of x factor with this guy, knowing he will always care for you no matter what? That he loves you unconditionally and that come hell or high water, he would crawl through broken glass just to make you smile?

I used to be that guy. Now i'm not. Go fuck yourself you nasty walking trap.

Two.
TODAY GAMES WERE DEVISED WHILST WORKING ON MAH JOB. GAME THE FIRST. IT IS A PENIS GAME. YOU REPLACE ONE WORD OF A MOVIE, ALBUM OR VIDEO GAME TITLE WITH THE WORD PENIS. HERE BE EXAMPLES.

1. Pirates of the carribean: The curse of the black penis.
2. Don't tell mom he babysitter's penis.
3. Bill and Ted's Bogus Penis.
4. Mary Shelley's Penis
5. Star Wars episode 1; the phantom penis
6. City Slickers 2; the legend of curly's penis.
7. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the Crystal Penis
8. one flew over the cookoo's penis
9. full metal penis
10. it's a wonderful penis
11. penis of arabia
12. requiem for a penis
13. eternal sunshine of the spotless penis
14. penis cassidy and the sundance kid
15. let the right penis in

Right so thats what i did today, a friend and i also sang the subtitles of the jeremy kyle show opera style lending a more highbrow air to proceedings. that was a laugh that.

Later peeps.

MUSIC FESTIVAL DIATRIBE

I hate the very idea of music festivals. I tend to look at the bill, think "oh, i like three of those bands. Now i will pay 200 quid and buy some camping gear, and some festival worthy clothing. Then arrange to get to this event. Then book time off work to go to this event....." then i give up and go listen to the album because chances are the band i do like sound shite live anyway.
Why do they bother with rap acts? Nobody likes "urban" music at these festivals. They have money for tickets and urban swill is for poor people. You're not very ghetto if you attend a private school and your mum and dad have bought you a fucking flat in hoxton. You're a bellend trying to be something you're not. I'm a complete bastard. I know this, i don't pretend otherwise. STOP PRETENDING TO LIKE RAP. NOW.
It always makes me chuckle when music festivals have some random "world music" act on that NOT. ONE. FUCKER. likes and they stand there grinning hitting a bin and chanting for half an hour. Like that bloody youssou n'dour bloke at live 8. who the fuck came to see him? Bollocks to that. "oh pink floyd have reformed but i'm here to see that bloke who sang with neneh cherry many years ago on one song". Not bloody likely. Not even people on drugs like this shit. Fuck world music. You know what's awesome? British, american and norwegian music. That's why the rest of it is called world music. It's like when we call thick kids "special". Theyre just fuck stupid but if we dress it up a bit they may not take to constant weeping due to them being dealt such a shit hand in life. Therefore world music is made exclusively by retarded children. And Peter Gabriel.
What's worse than the lineup? Why your fellow festival goers of course! There's the dreadlocked wanker doing poy because he's oh-so-fucking free spirited. The bellend who has been coming to the same bastard festival for 30 years now and has brought his monumentally irritating family along so they can all watch fucking hawkwind. The knobhead wearing the tshirt from the 1987 event that he wears EVERY FUCKING YEAR. The posh as fuck little Tarquins who refer to Glastonbury as "Glarr-sters" who should be summarily rounded up and gassed. The misguided fuckwits abound, meaning the likes of you and i (well, maybe you, i mean you might be reading this all annoyed now with wisps of steam flowing krakatoa-like from your ears. In that case, fuck off. Because really i do mean most of this post. I know i'm just trying to be funny most of the time but this time i'm being selfish and actually writing something i'm quite honest about. Except the retarded kids part. There's nothing funny about sick kids) can't enjoy seeing a load of bands.
Camping. Thats shit. I know, i'll leave the comfort of my home for three days to sleep under some very thin material while a spontaneous drum circle occurs for eight bastard hours. Fuck off. I'll shit in your drums then make you wear them like a fucking barrell. Parading your shit-festooned, horrid little barrellself around the whole fucking country with "DRUM CUNT" carved into your forehead. Bastard hippies. no, here's what will happen. I'll stay home and you can put up with paloma faith playing freeform jazz with some homeless cubans who can only play one stringed zithers and hit pans.

I'm actually going to bed now because i may die from rage. Goodnight you sexy, sexy people.

I AM WASTED THIS BLOG HAS NO PICTURES YEAH DEVIL

THIS BLOG POST SHALL BE ALL IN BOLD I HAVE DECIDED. I SPOKE TO SOMEONE TODAY AND YES I HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER IN BOLD BUT YES IT IS IN CAPS. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? I SINCERELY HOPE IT IS YOU HARD TO PLEASE FUCKERS. I LONG FOR NOISE. NOT STRUCTURED MUSIC BUT SOME GUTTURAL SNARLING WEIRDNESS. STRUCTURE IS NICE AND HAS ITS PLACE BUT WHAT I WANT IS SOME CHAOTIC BUSINESS. I HAVE BECKS, BECKS IS GOOD.  NOT BECHAME THE BALL KICKER BUT BECKS THE BEER. IT SHALL BE MY DOWNFALL AND I KNOW THAT. KNOW WHAT THOUGH? *STEPS DOWN OFF STOOL AND THROWS MIC AT CHILD* I DONT CARE! LESS SHITS GIVEN AT A CONSTIPATION SUPPORT GROUP IN FIBREVILLE. I GOT A BUS TODAY. WELL I GOT 3 ACTUALLY BUT THEY WERE ALL SHIT. WIRRAL HAS NICE SEATS THOUGH, THEYRE GOOD FOR THE ARSE THEY ARE. I LIKE WOMEN BUT THEY SEEM TO ANNOY ME TOO. I AM CONSIDERING WRITING SEXIST SONGS NOW. NOT BAD SNGS BUT BLATANTLY SEXIST ONES. WHATS WRONG WITH BEING SEXY? NOTHING BUT I DIDNT MEAN THAT. MISTER BEAN? COCK, TOTAL COCK. I HATE THAT GUY. IF THATS WHAT FOREIGN PEOPLE THINK OF ENGLAND THEN I SAY WE TURN THE WHOLE PLACE INTO A CAR PARK NOW. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS A TOTAL COCK? HITLER. IF HE WAS HERE I'D PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE. SLAP THE AUSTRIAN OUTTA HIS SELF IF YA GIT MEH. I LIKE NIRVANA AGAIN. I DONT KNOW IF THAT MEANS I AM REGRESSING TO SOME SORT OF AWKWARD TEENAGE THING BECAUSE IM HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE BUT HEY, LETS TAKE BETS. YOU KNOW WHEN I DIE, RIGHT? I WANT "HERE LIES GRAHAM "AWESOMESAUCE" CAMMACK. HE DIED OF THE GUSH. HE WAS INVINCIBLE BUT HES WELL DEAD THIS FELLA" ON MY TOMBSTONE. I'M SICK OF HEARING "OH ITS WHAT HE/SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED" FROM PEOPLE AFTER DEATHS. ITS SHIT. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? CAN YOU TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE? NO. NOT EVEN BRUCE WILLIS CAN TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE YOU PRETENTIOUS SHIT. NOW I REALISE THAT THIS IS ONE LONG PARAGRAPH AND THAT MOST OF YOU WILL NOT READ THIS SO IM GOING TO STICK A PICTURE OF A SAUCY LADY HERE TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.

  SEE. I DELIVERED. I FIRST GOOGLED SAUCY LADY BUT GOT SOME MAD LOOKING BIRD SO FUCKED THAT OFF. THEN I GOOGLED SHITTY PORN. DONT EVER GOOGLE THAT. SERIOUSLY. IT'S WAY TOO LITERAL. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THE JAPANESE AND OCTOPI? THEYRE AN ODD BUNCH THEM BUT I LIKE EM JHUST THE SAME AS THEY MAKE THINGS. IF YOU SEE MADE IN JAPAN ON SOMETHING ITS LIKE A SEAL OF QUALITY. UNLIKE RECORDS BY SEAL WHICH ARE FREQUENTLY POOR QUALITY. I WOULD HAPPILY PUNCH THAT FUCKER. WHATS THAT NIRVANA SONG WHERE HE SAYS LIKE "HELP MEEEEE, IM FUCKING HUNGRY" CALLED? I LIKE THAT ONE. I MIGHT MAKE A WHOLE ALBUM WHAT SOUNDS LIKE THAT AND JUST GIVE IT AWAY TO EVERYONE LIKE THAT BASTARDS OF SOUND SHITE I DID. YOU KNOW WHY I CREATED BASTARDS OF SOUND? I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY PUT UP WITH MY SHIT. IM LIKE KANYE WEST IN THAT WAY BUT INSTEAD OF BEING LOADED IM ACTUALLY PRETTY BROKE. I COULD LOVE TO GET CLOSE TO TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST HAVE A SMELL OF HER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SMELLS NICE HER. SHES SKINNY AND BLONDE AND LOOKS A BIT DIM. I LIKE GIRLS LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE GIRLS LIKE? SOMEONE I WAS TALKING TO EARLIER WHO RECKONS SHE CAN BEAT ME AT POOL. SHE FUCKING CAN'T LIKE, I LET HER WIN A WHILE BACK AND SHE RECKONS SHES ALL THAT. SOUR NEWS MISS. I WAS FAKING. SHE THOUGHT I WAS EASY THAT ONE. I MEAN I AM LIKE BUT STILL. THIS IS PROBABLY THE SHITTEST BLOG POST IVE EVER DONE. BETTER THROW IN ANOTHER PICTURE.

LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS TIT. SHIRT BUTTONED UP? CHECK. GALLAGHER EYEBROWS? CHECK. SHIT HAIRCUT? CHECK. INFLATED SENSE OF SELF WORTH? FUCKING CHECK. I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HEAR THIS THING PLAY SONGS AND I CANT REMEMBER IT. PROBABLY BECAUSE SOME KIND OF RAPE VICTIM IVE DENIED IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT PAINTING BEHIND HIM IS SHIT AN ALL. YOUKNOW WHAT? EVERYTHING I DONT LIKE IS PROPER WANK. DISAGREE ALL YOU WANT BUT THE FACT IS I CAN ONLY EXPERIENCE THINGS SUBJECTVELY THROUGH MY OWN CONSCIENCE SO AS A RESULT OF THIS IT'S ENTIRELY FUCKING POSSIBLE YOU ONLY EXIST IN MY MIND, I HOPE NOT BECAUSE CHANCES ARE I QUITE LIKE YOU BUT I MEAN, IT MIGHT BE HAPPENNING. I'VE BEEN VEGETARIAN FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW. HOW BOSS IS THAT? IM WELL CHUFFED ME. IT'S 2.08 AM AND IM NOT EVEN TIRED. HOW SHIT IS THAT. IM OFF TO BED ANYWAY.