I HAVE PLAYED VIDEO GAMES AND DUE TO THIS I AM GOING TO HORRIBLY MURDER SOMEONE.

It's not my fault. I don't actually want to horribly murder anyone in the face. I actually don't like real life violence.

Unfortunately though, Kieth Vaz has pointed out, yet again that playing violent video games turns people like me into killing machines. We don't feel remorse, or pity, or pain, and we will. Not. Stop. EVER. Until you are dead or we have a bottle of Pepsi and some snacks (don't wanna be afk now do we?).

What utter cockery! Call of Duty is a violent game, this is true. It's also rated 18 in the UK, so little kids shouldn't be playing it. If they are, then it's their parent's fault! Kieth doesn't want to listen to that though, oh no, he wants to go all Helen Lovejoy and stand there screaming THINK OF THE CHILDREN! While waving a copy of GTA around. I am 31 years old and have never murdered anyone. The last time I got in a fight was about 20 years ago. I'm usually found in restaurants with my girlfriend on nights out, and up until about a year ago I was a vegetarian. Sadly, according to Kieth This means I am about to go and horribly murder several of you whilst claiming to be a member of popular Jedi Cash machines, the Knights Templar. You think I'm kidding? Here's some games I've played. In some cases obsessively:

Left 4 Dead
Skyrim (which is an incredible game, and the link here sells it a bit short).
Dead Rising 2
Killzone 3

That's a very, very small selection of the games I own, or have owned. When I was in school I used to play Contra, and Doom. Two games which look a bit shonky now, but are nevertheless quite violent. Compare that to the ott violence in dead rising and it might appear shocking, but no more than other media.  I really think that Kieth (please don't click that one, I actually threw up a bit in my mouth when I saw the pictures on the article, what can I say? I'm committed!) has misjudged what constitutes a gamer.

The people I know who play games are like me, mid twenties to early thirties, decent Job and relatively quiet. It's about escapism, nothing more. I can sit and watch the news telling me that I'm going to be horribly murdered in the face by Brevik, or Klebold and Harris, or I can slay dragons and jump off waterfalls and protect villages. I posted a link to skyrim before to emphasise that it's a violent game. What I didn't mention is the fact that throughout the game I have constantly protected innocent people from attack, I have reunited mothers with their children, and even saved an orphanage from a horrible old woman who was beating the kids. Yes, I CAN decapitate people for fun, but I would rather be a hero than some folkchopping bumhole.

The most important thing to remember is that Call of Duty has sold in the millions. That's important because over 3 million people have played this game, but only one has murdered people and blamed it. This means that Kieth is trying to enforce censorship on something that could drive someone to kill. The problem with his logic is that the odds are over 3 million to one. You are more likely to be murdered in a robbery which goes wrong, perpetrated by kids who's parents failed them. Well why did those parents fail? I'm sure it was at least in part due to the over generous welfare state and light prison sentences given out under a Labour government in the last 15 years or so. Of which Keith Vaz was a member. If you put it that way, he is more responsible for at least half of the violent crimes in this country than the makers of CoD are for Brevik.

Sleep well, and don't worry! I'm not going to murder anyone. I'm also aware that for the most part I have spelt Keith wrong. I can't be arsed changing it, it's not like I get paid for this shit.

WHY YOU SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

You may have noticed the title of this blog. It's quite sharp, isn't it? Well chances are it's not aimed at you. If you're like me then you probably agree with what I'm about to say, and with a little luck you'll join me in slaughtering these vile fucks once we're done.

You may have noticed that some blogs have adverts around them. They're generally quite unintrusive, but they are still there. When you add them to your blog you will earn money if people click them, it's harmless enough but still quite annoying. This is my main issue here:

ADVERTISING.

Bill Hicks once said the following:

"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalisation for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show. Seriously, I know the marketing people: 'There's gonna be a joke comin' up.' There's no fuckin' joke. Suck a tail pipe, hang yourself...borrow a pistol from an NRA buddy, do something...rid the world of your evil fuckin' presence.".

This was about 20 years ago. The Internet was in a very primitive form, the only places you would see ads on TV were in somewhat infrequent commercial breaks, and although billboards and junk mail were there, they were a lot less pronounced than they are now.

Remember I mentioned the ads on blogs? You'll notice that there are none here. I could have a million people read this daily, and I would NEVER knowingly allow ads on this page. It's called dignity. This blog costs me nothing to write, and I'm far from a professional. Why in the name of raptor Jesus would I ask you to click on links to some garbage or other in order to line my pockets? You owe me nothing! I do this partly to get things off my chest and partly because I enjoy giving people a guilty chuckle now and again. Not to align myself with the worlds most sickening industry. I have seen some bloggers on twitter begging people to click their ads, shouldn't we be treating this as a public forum to share information and ideas? Not to impersonate a fucking soap character in a one-note joke, and make colloquial humour which NOBODY OUTSIDE OF THE NORTH FUCKING WEST OF ENGLAND WILL UNDERSTAND, LET ALONE FUCKING CARE ABOUT. The only differences between us are a soul, and the fact that I fucking KNOW nobody cares what I think.

The Internet is full of ads, of varying degrees of annoyance. The worst by far are the ones with sound. I was reading an article a while back when some cunt started rapping. Now, we know my thoughts on rap anyway, but really? So you mean to tell me that this nasty little shitblister is hawking his artistically dead cuntsounds on an ad for SPORTSWEAR? Really? Considering most of these fucktards want everybody to believe that they're from the "streets" (as opposed to the roads, or avenues, or even closes? ffs...) while trying to hawk you some overpriced, flimsy footwear exclusively for cunts?

You just get the feeling that they're dead inside. That they tried and tried to get people to listen to their tired, pointless work and then some horrible cunt came up and made them an offer. You're a sellout with nothing to sell. Then one day, you're reading about something and there he is- ramming a cock with a Nike swoosh drawn on it down his fucking gullet- to try and persuade you, YES YOU, WHO JUST WANTED TO READ ABOUT SOMETHING REASONABLY INANE, that this sportswear is the best in the land for hanging round outside tesco. Fuck that! At least working in McDonald's can lead to a decent job. No, you sold out. You bent the fuck over and you took money from the same people you claim to be against. An angry young man who doesn't even know what to be angry about.

The ads you see on TV are vile as well. There are so many that it's hard to fit my utter, seething hatred of them into just a few paragraphs, so I'm going to just go with a couple of examples. The first is for a high street bank, in this ad we have a choir singing walking on sunshine. The choir is made up of people who work for said bank. They're all smiling and singing along! Oh don't they look cheerful! Wow, I sure want to throw money at them! Why? What the fuck has this got to do with anything!!?!? If you want me to invest my money in your bank, why not just make an ad saying "we won't charge you fees for nothing, we'll lend money fairly at a low rate, and outline the terms in a way that you can understand. We will try to answer your phone calls quickly and we will have a branch that opens on a Saturday for a few hours.". In black text on a white background. It cost5s sod all to make and gets your point across. You don't need to spend 500k on a multicultural, inclusive demographic of choral warblers and most of all you'll earn my respect. It's just so FORCED! Am I meant to believe that all of your staff get together on a Friday night for Katrina and the Waves night?  Or that you run a fucking radio station based on horrible puns? WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WANT MY MONEY? Be straight with it! Just stop bullshitting us and we'll be waving wads of tenners in front of you within 12 hours of broadcast.

The second example is for some "sell us your phone" company. A bunch of made up people spouting made up comments. One of which is a fat, middle aged man who spouts the word "wonga" like a downs syndrome child trying to impress it's carer. 99.9% of people who saw this advert thought one thing: "cunt". What did the company do? Why they made another ad, with thousands of clones of this fucking spacker up a mountain saying the same word. That's it. They think so little of you, that they only need one word said simultaneously by the same clone to make you use their services. They may as well have just sent you a fucking colouring book and a helmet.

Thirdly, and lastly for TV is the entire industry of "asbo ads". If you've ever sat through daytime TV you'll know the score. Gaudy, brightly coloured shit that is designed to get poor people to gamble online. This is the single worst thing, it's just so completely morally bankrupt that I have a hard time fathoming it. "every body's playing "x company" bingo!". This implies that you need to throw money at them to fit in, in the hopes of maybe winning some cash inbetween your chicken tikka lasagne and your loose women. It's sad, it's horrible and it's unforgivable.

So what do we do about it? Easy. If you are using Internet explorer, then stop. Get Firefox. Once you're using that, download adblock plus  here. If you see any ads after that, just right click on them and block them. No more ads! Easy. As for the tv, you record programmes or watch them online. Just skip the ads. No more, they can't touch you. Fuck 'em!

Do you receive phone calls from telesales scum? Go here. This also works for junk mail. Any company contacting you once you register is breaking the law. Get their name and report them. They will be fined and you will have done us all a favour.

Outside of this there's not much we can do. I could tell you to vandalise any billboards or hoardings you see, but that would be illegal so I won't. What I will say is that this entire industry has made some nasty fuckers very rich, at the expense of your time and money. Why give them a free ride? They are the worst people in the entire world and need to be stopped. How dare they say your life needs to be improved by giving them your money? How dare they make you feel less than anyone else because you don't own their product? Not me, I'm sick of this. I'm ad free, and I'm staying that way.

This has been a long rant, thanks for reading!

ONE YEAR OF ENGAGING BEASTMODE. IT IS STILL ENGAGED MOTHERTOUCHERS.

This time last year My life was a bit of a clusterfuck to say the least. Saying everything is perfect now would be an overstatement, but it's certainly a lot better. Here is a rundown of occurences since then.

In April last year I moved out of my mate's place. This was for a variety of reasons, and looking back I'm amazed it continued as long as it did. I was doing a job I hated, and in quite a pressurized atmosphere. The only things I really had were my ps3 and a habit of dating nutters. I still have the ps3.

It was a confusing time, and the blog posts from around then reflect this. It's quite schizophrenic really, in that there's a great deal of positivity mixed with no small amount of bile, misdirected or otherwise. This blog has always been that way (it's pretty much an outlet for my thoughts on things I just don't feel comfortable sharing otherwise), but nonetheless it's quite staggering to see the degree of change that has occurred in the last 12 months.

So, after moving out from my mate's I ended up living in a shared house in New Brighton. It was a lovely old building, with a massive room and a short walk to all the bars and friends houses I could have wished for. It seemed perfect! Was it fuck.

A week or so after moving in it became clear that moving there was a mistake. The people I lived with were not bad people, but were nonetheless quite difficult to Live with. The landlord was a very patient and friendly man, and instantly likeable. Unfortunately he was also an alcoholic with severe Tourettes, which led to many nights being kept awake while he barked (which was his particular tic) and stumbled about the place in a stupor. It was and is a very sad situation, and although there is plenty of humour to be found in it, I'm just not going to. Truth be told, I feel too bad for him to do so.

The other housemates were no less interesting, a man roughly my age who was an ex squaddie, and a young girl of eighteen. The squaddie went out of his way immediately to make me feel welcome there, the guy bought me an easter egg because I looked a bit down. He was friendly to a fault, and unfortunately that fault was BEING INCREDIBLY FUCKING LOUD. Every time I hear Elton John my hackles now raise, in loving memory of every night I was kept awake, and every day that I went to a 12 hour shift on three hours' sleep due to his bloody stereo. The stereo eventually exploded. Which is why I beleive in a compassionate and loving god.

The girl I referred to was nice enough, but very much an eighteen year old girl. She had fallen in with a bad crowd, and I found myself sticking up for her. I'm not going to talk about her too much, as it's quite depressing, and I haven't seen her since she moved. I will say that I hope she turns things around, as if I can see the good in someone, it's probably pretty obvious to everyone else.

There were two other people. One who I have no malice toward, and another whom I find so wretched that she is beyond humour. The bloke was a nice enough guy, but easily led. I got on with him pretty well, but he was also bloody noisy. The girl though? I'm not talking about her. I can joke about genuine annoyances but not when people have genuinely wronged me. I refuse to sink to her level.

Eventually, I snapped. In October, after spending maybe one or two nights a week at what was supposed to be my home, and through a combination of exhaustion and anger, I legged it. Took all my stuff, threw it in bin bags and got the hell out of there. I now live in Liverpool, and really I haven't been this happy for a long time. I remember baing able to actualy sleep for the first time in months, and within a week or so I was back to my old self. Now If you met me in person you probably wouldn't think I was the same person who writes most of these blog posts. I'm actually pretty friendly and, believe it or not I'm quite shy.

Sitting here now, looking out of the window with the sun going down behind me and a Pink Floyd bootleg playing in the background, the whole situation seems like it happened decades ago. I'm much, much happier now and it's due mainly to one person.

In May last year I met a girl, she was a bit younger than me, but we somehow just clicked. She had the most gorgeous blue eyes, and this big mess of blonde hair. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I fell for her instantly. To this day we can't stay away from each other. I've been in relationships before, but never with someone I have cared so much about. She had a way of taming the venom in me, the reason I tended to alienate people back then. A close friend has since remarked that she can now tell whether I'm being sarcastic, which both shocked and encouraged me. I mentioned her briefly in a previous blog post, but a hundred blogs couldn't begin to convey just how happy I am to have met her. When I wake up and she smiles at me, I know not only that I'm doing something right, but that I want to continue to do so.

It's not really the place to gush about how loved up I am, so I'll leave it at that, but she knows how much I love her, and I know that it's mutual. She's my princess, and I get up in the morning with the simple goal of making her happy.

It's been a cathartic time, has the last year, and I feel as though I have left a part of me snarling and foaming at the mouth by the roadside. I can't say I feel too bad about that, and no doubt the venom will surface again (which will mean less coherent and much funnier blog posts), but for now I actually know what it's like to be happy, and that to make others feel like that is a good thing.

As far as work goes, the future is far from bleak. I was laid off from a job with a debt management company for being too nice. I signed up in the belief that I would be chasing collection agencies on behalf of people who were being hassled and tormented by these immoral fuckers. In reality, I was placed on the team that chased payments from these people. I was given a mobile phone and a list of people to call and chase money from.

This was something I failed hard at. These people have nothing, and I know what it's like to be broke and hungry. I also know what it's like to struggle to get by with kids to feed. I can't be mean to these people, or hassle them, or be forceful in insisting that they pay back money to line the pockets of greedy people. People who look down on them. I know I joke about chavs and about "sub human" people, but in reality I come from a single parent family. I was lucky enough to be raised by a woman who would go to the ends of the earth for my brother and I. This has always stayed with me, and the thought of calling someone in that position and demanding money from them turns my stomach.

Needless to say, this attitude did not go down well with my former employer. However, the day after this I saw that a well known figure in the industry was advertising for new staff. These staff claim back money on behalf of their clients from major corporations. They also Pay extremely well, and treat their staff with respect. I attended that interview with my heart in my mouth, and I must have impressed them, because I was offered the job. Once I start there, I will be in a great state financially, and more importantly will have buckets of good karma to play with.

I have lost touch with friends in the last year, some for reasons best known to themselves, some for the sake of my sanity, and some due to it just not being possible to deal with them anymore. I'm not happy about any of that, but I know it's necessary, and I hope that they all find everything they want in life, and find it soon.

On a more positive note, I have gained friends in the last year. Be that getting back in touch with old friends, or making new ones, it's great to be around you all. I also have a niece, She's beautiful and so tiny, I can't wait to see her become a precocious toddler and then a great little kid. A great little kid with an uncle who is always going to be there for her, and is going to spoil her rotten. I can't even begin to express how happy I am for my brother and his fiance, and how happy I am to be an uncle.

I'm sorry that this blog post hasn't been the same rants you're used to, but I would say thanks for reading, and that you're all, without exception, deserving of being happy.

JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAS GOT INTO ME? I USED TO TELL JOKES ABOUT ETHIOPEANS. MY FORMER SELF WANTS TO BEAT MY ASS. TIME TO MAN THIS BITCH UP:

FUCK. THE FUCKERY OF FUCKITUDE FORTIFIES THE FINGERS OF FERRIS' FLAMMABLE FIESTA.

I fucking hate Ed Sheeran. You may wonder who he is. Allow me to explain!

Once upon a time about a year ago, some little prick wrote a song about some slapper in london dying from ZOMG CRACK ADDICT. This song was helped by being called "The A Team". In a cynical attempt to cash in on the nostalgia-porn cravings of eighteen year olds who pretend to remember the eighties, he coupled a OMG SO DEEP AND TRAGIC, LOL story about some girl selling her scrawny arse for crack then threw in a random reference to an eighties show which has aged like a pint of milk.

It sold like trackies in Bradford.

Next thing you know I saw the little cocksnot on the Glastonbury Highlights. Now, if you read this blog (and you should, because it is staggeringly good) then you will already know my thoughts on music festivals. Especially people who think everyone wants to hear about their weekend of fun looking at some dredded white kid flinging firesticks about. Sod that. I hate it and I hate them.

Anyway, I saw the little prick on there, whining about whatever it is and rapping while casually slapping at an acoustic guitar (also known as a "shit" guitar) and suddenly the footage cut to what must have been a nineteen or so year old girl. She was wearing a Back to the Future tshirt, fairy wings and had a butterfly painted on her face. Her face which had the expression of "oh wow, this is like, so deep, he's talking about stuff we all need to like, know about". Therein lies the problem.

You're the reason I hate him so much. I can't stand YOU. His fans. You're 19 and you can afford tickets to Glastonbury. You choose to attend despite having taste in music that even James Blunt would laugh at. You take drugs and think you're going to start a revolution, you think that the whole world can be changed if we all just chill out and smoke a spliff now and again. If we all just listened to the floppety haired minstrels who tell us whats really going on on the streets then maybe JUST FUCKING MAYBE we would be able to change the world.

I'm sure the last thoughts of a dying child in Darfur would be "fuck! I hope some musicians get here soon!".

I'm leaving it at that.

MORE SHIT I CAME UP WITH BECAUSE I AM FUCKING SMART.

Right. Ideas for television shows. I should be working but the public are cretins. They consume TOO MUCH OF MY TIME. PAID OR NAY!

So these ideas then? Without further ado!

1. Lupine Loopy Tatwinner Bonanzles! In which many people throughout the land compete to win that shire they have on the back of sunday magazines. You know the types.
"LOOK AT BABY GEORGE'S DETAILED FEET! HE COSTS MANY POUNDS IN INSTALMENTS!". That shit. Anyway, people who are interested in this compete
in many events such as:

A) Knobapple. Male contestants must stick their cock in an apple, and the female contestants much eat it without causing penile injuries.

B) Shitebike: Contestants must jump over a paddling pool full of shite. The bike they use to jump is is made of glass, and they are blindfolded. The blindfold is covered in
Ether.

C) Orphan Sneakup Whingedown: Contestants have to sneak undetected up to an orphan (dickensian, none of that modern shite) and whisper "If your parents loved you,
they would still be here" in a manner so convincing it causes the orphan to weep. This is done on a council estate in Aberdeen to add some danger to the proceedings.

At the end of this all remaining contestants must insert coins into a coinstar then wave the receipt at a tramp. The quickest wins the tat. The rest?

RAPED TO DEATH BY WOLVES.

2. Joe Pasquale's Saturday Scatdown! Extremely disturbing chat show featuring Joe Pasquale squatting over an interviewee and asking his questions. While the celeb answers
Joe's bowels begin to open, his brown star emitting a log of quality brown on the chest of this poor sod. Obviously celebrities would need to be incredibly desperate
in order to appear on this show, so we can start small. Say.. Katie Price, Frankie Cocozza and the fat bully off X factor. Music By Will I. Am and Coldplay.

3. TIMECOCK. Former pornstar Max Gashraid finds a mysterious artefact allowing him to travel through time. He uses this to change history for the better. A lot like
Quantum Leap, only with popshots. Look, I'll be honest here. I just thought the name was funny.

4. Hurnlington Hall. This is some period thing where an old english luvvie looks all noble and shit for a couple of hours. There's a war happening but you don't get to
see any cool stuff like Saving Private Ryan or anything. The blokes just come home all traumatised and then the servants have a party because, you know, they're like, people
too and stuff. Basically, Downtown Abbey is popular. This is the swill you people want? Well allow me to fill your fucking Trough. We'll even get Brenda Fricker in
to make it all authentic. Throw in extra orphans. Will that make you fucking happy? Jesus wept.

Okay that's four. That's your lot. Back to work.

I HAVE NOT DONE ANY BLOGGING FOR A WHILE. SOMEONE PIQUED MY HATEBONE.

Hello people.

I haven't done any posts for a while as I was too busy looking for a job after leaving that shithole I mentioned last time. Also I have found a girlfriend and she's bloody stupendous. Thinks she's a fish and says things like "fart arm orchestra". She's a kindred spirit that one.

I'm working again now and the lovely miss B is on Mass Effect 2 so it's time to unleash the hate.

Today I was browsing a torrent site because I enjoy stealing music, and saw the title of that fat cunt, Mary J Bile's album. For the uninitiated it's called "My life II: The Journey Continues". Now, I have not seen the cover to this, but I already know it will make me want to throw her in the fucking sea. I will Google it, now.....

Okay so she's mincing about in front of orange sky photoshopped to fuck. It's actually not as bad as I expected. I thought it would be black and white and have her dumb face trying to look all noble and shit. Maybe she gave up.

That's not the point! The point is this title is so fucking pretentious it makes "tales from topographic oceans" sound like fucking pet sounds! I despise the way these R n' B types try to sound all earnest. Like "Curtain Call" by Eminem, or "the miseducation of lauryn hill" by whoever wrote her songs for her. Seriously, you're making the most pointless, soulless consumer baiting tripe possible then trying to look fucking earnest!?!!?!? How the fuck do you people sleep at night?

Back when I was at school rap and R n' B was what the thick people listened to. It's only gotten worse. At least pop back in the 90's was knowingly awful. Europop in particular. Remember that "two times" song? I don't want that played at my funeral. No, I want whoever wrote that locked in my burning fucking casket. It was garbage, like Aqua, Eiffel 65 and the Cartoons. It was utter garbage but it fucking KNEW it was garbage.

Now we have the likes of Dopey from N*Dubz rapping about his dead father while That lass off x factor flies about seemingly in hell. Then a bunch of poor people hold candles and try to look sincere. That video is fucking hilarious. I mean I must have watched it about twenty times with the sound off and if you play something else (I recommend "party in my pants" by Roger Allan Wade) then it becomes something more. Something powerful. If you want to try it then just Google "N Dubz papa can you hear me" because I'm lazy and can't be arsed posting the video here.

The other thing is that dance music seems to have been co-opted by the yanks now. Back in the day I was well into grunge and that, but "higher state of consciousness" By Josh Wink and all the early prodigy tunes were fucking boss! Nowadays you go to clubs and hear that LMFAO lot waving their cocks about and messing with a cordless drill. It's stale, it's boring and it's fake music for fake people. If you aspire to be an orange, gurning cunt like on Jersey Shore then you go for it. Just stay the fuck off my planet and if you even think of setting foot in a recording studio then I will personally cut your fucking hands off. I mean, we did have some good dance stuff in between, but now people just don't seem to care. Dubstep will be obsolete in a couple of weeks (which is a shame, because it's probably the most interesting genre to go mainstream since punk) and all there is to replace it is more and more materialistic shit, or a child screaming slogans at you (what the fuck is "swagger" when it's at home, and how exactly does creating audio wallpaper featuring the blandest cunt in pop constitute anything approaching Mick Jagger?).

Which is another problem. People don't care about people, they care about things. You are completely worthless unless you wear the right clothes, have the right tan, visit the right clubs. Lady GaGa is there fitting into this mainstream by being knowingly "weird" and meanwhile anyone who doesn't care about fitting in may as well not be there. Then GaGa decides that bullying is bad and we all love the underdog again. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THINKING FOR YOURSELF? HAVE THINGS BECOME SO FUCKING BAD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITHOUT SOME MAD BIRD IN A FOIL HAT TELLING YOU THAT PERSECUTING KIDS FOR BEING GAY IS MORALLY FUCKING WRONG!?!?!?

I despair, I really do. You switch on the tv and there we are, celebrating diamonte' fuckery in Essex. This cancer has now spread to my home town. A girl is a nobody unless she has eyebrows which look like they were drawn on by a lion with down's syndrome. Girls spend hundreds a month on pinching, plucking and painting themselves to fit in when they don't have to. Even my Girlfriend, who is just bloody brilliant, still won't go out unless she's got everything just so, lest the judgement of imbeciles falls upon her.

Why can't we just get on with things, not have to dress like everyone else says and fucking get on with things? We could probably have colonies in space now if we didn't fall for ITV and Simon Cowell's big sparkly distraction.

So yeah, THINK! IT'S NOT BAD FOR YOU AND YOU MIGHT FEEL BETTER!

BIT MORE SERIOUS THIS TIME, STILL LOADED WITH TWATTERY

A friend of mine *ahem* worked for a company until recently. It was a call centre job but hey, we can't all be scientists. Anyway they started in January 2011 and were told that this particular call centre served as sort of helpdesk for old folks who had recently switched their tv service to freeview or freesat. They also signed people who were elgible for help from the government up for an installation and some equipment. You might have seen the ads with the little android thing.

Anyway this seemed like an ok job. Talk to the oldies, knuckle down and try to get a permanent contract, you know the deal. The training had a large emphasis on making the most of a bad situation. To the degree that an entire half hour was devoted to watching some men in seattle flinging dead fish about and loving it. They were obviously on drugs. Really? Alarm bells should have rang, but didn't. After all he had been told the job was 9-5 Monday to Friday. Easy. There was even overtime if needed. The wage was shocking. A pathetic £6 an hour, but hey, in the current job market even having a job is a result.

So my friend ploughed on through training and thought that this seemed a pretty easy not great, but not the worst in the world. That opinion would soon change. During the first couple of weeks he was treated to abuse from customers, a vile attitude from his management and conditions which bordered on illegal.
For example: When you work in a call centre it is widely accepted that you have to take a break every 15 minutes to avoid fatigue. Staring at a computer all day is damaging to the eyes (yeah, says me). So taking a break for even five minutes or so is a necessity. This was not allowed. Infact, staff were permitted to take a total of one hour's break per day. Even on 12 hour shifts. Two ten-minute breaks and one 40-minute break for lunch. This was unpaid, and- considering the layout of the office- if you wanted to go outside it was impossible to get from the fith floor to the ground floor and back in under 7 minutes. There was one lift which held six people. There were over 300 people in that building at any one time and about 50 or so on breaks. This made it impossible to adhere to break times unless you simply sat on the stairwell for a few minutes then returned to your desk.

It's worth mentioning at this time that although he was working for this company, his actual employer was an agency. This agency treated their staff with the respect that a typical youtube commenter treats the english language. You're sick? well don't excpect anything but more grief there. One colleague of his was dismissed for atending a close relative's funeral. Yeah, you read that right. On top of that this agency would pull every trick in the book to screw you out of money. For TWO ENTIRE MONTHS my *ahem* friend's wages were short. A running battle took place to have a day's holiday paid which he was entitled to, but the agency tried to squirm out of for a myriad of reasons.
When you work for such a small wage, every peny counts. You were paid weekly in this place, and a mistake of a few hours could mean you couldn't pay rent. So upon calling the agency to report their mistake, you would routinely be told that it would be rectified next week. In the meantime, tough shit.
You work for this company? You are a number. You never have, and never will matter. All you are is another voice on the phone to these customers. The very same ones who either think they're being scammed or are just calling to speak to another human. Seriously. One story went something along the lines of: An engineer attended the address to install equipment, only to find the customer stark bollock naked, surrounded by broken dolls and eating her own shit from a commmode. The person on the end of the phone was lucky, they didn't have to see that. They just had to get shouted at by someone with serious mental illness for 45 minutes.

Meanwhile the uper management are content to blow their own trumpets about how successful their company is, while standing on a battery farm of disillusioned people who only work there because they are desperate for work.

As for the workload? Jesus. Where to start? You sign into your phone, you wait ten minutes and twiddle your thumbs, then a call comes through. You disconnect. Another call. Straight away. No rest, no respite. Constant bombardment. This continues for eight hours, or in some cases up to twelve. At one point my friend recieved their shifts (by the way the shifts were decided a day before the last of your current shifts were decided. Take that, social life!) and was gobsmacked to discover that, despite them changing the game early on (they were informed during training that they would be working between 8am and 8pm, on any given day, including weekends, and that these shifts were subject to change at 24 hours notice), they were rota'd in for three weeks of 10 hour shifts. No arguments. That was happening, you don't like it? Leave.

I'm sure there are worse jobs, but i'm lucky enough not to have experienced them. My friend, who i will now call John, once witnessed a member of his team putting eyedrops in (as prescribed by her doctor) only to be chastized by a passing team leader for "chatting". This fat bitch really was a nasty peice of work. Power corrupts, she was proof. A constant scowl on her fat face, and a massive arse. Hideous. She took her self loathing out on everyone else and was a truly pathetic individual.

The layoffs happened about two months into Johnny's stint at this place. One of his friends, a father with a young family who were scraping by, was unceremoniously sacked for daring to take time off to care for his daughter when his fiance' was sick. The guy didn't have enough shit to deal with, apparently. Oh, by the way, if for some reason you were thinking this still sounds better than your current job then the good news is that they're taking on. The bad news is that you won't get a job with them unless you're signing on. See, they only take on people off the dole as the head honcho (i have yet to find the words that describe this creature)gets a bonus for every single one! Yep, he'll take you on, give you a little while then fuck you off to do the same to some other sucker. You will be told of all the wonderful opportunities for advancement that are available. They certainly are, if you know the right people. If not, or if you dare to say that their system is wrong..... fuck you. Because we all know that independent thought has no place in business, right? Yeah.......

For example. Johnny mentioned to his team leader that if the incoming calls were dealt out in a way that gave people maybe 30 seconds to a minute between calls, there would be less reliance on placing the phone into busy at the end of the call. This would mean less opportunity to exploit the idle mode on the phone, which was essentially "do fuck all for a bit" mode. Added to this, when coming out of that mode you would be placed into the back of the queue for the next call. Meaning you would sit for 10 mins doing fuck all whilst everyone else got hammered. Common sense, right? Nope. Johnny was advised that "it's just the way things are with the system". Ok, so you're looking at a simple change that could improve morale, and create better results, but you can't be arsed changing because it's just "the way it is". Fuck! Do these people need a catscan!?!?!?

There's more to this but really, i'm not making allegations that may cause legal action should the people in charge see it. I'm going to end on what i could do right if i was in charge.

1. Ok, first of all there is NO FUCKING POINT in business wear in a call centre. The customers cannot see you. There's no point. Wear whatever you want.
As far as structuring incoming calls? Wherever possible there will be time in between calls. The idle mode will still be available, just check it's ok with a team leader before using it.

2.
Sick pay. Yeah, you heard right, if you call in sick you are still getting paid. If you keep your staff happy then they will show loyalty. Trust your workers. Without them you'd be working in fucking McDonalds. Treat these people with respect.

3.
A total ban on charity collecting, birthdays, pregnancy collections, advertising things for sale etc. This may sound harsh, but when working in a team of 40 people, how many of them do you actually know? If a colleague you're friendly with has a birthday, or a child, get them a card or a little present. as for charity, every colleague has the option to give 5p of their wages per week to charity through a company scheme. Trust me, this would earn a LOT more than asking everyone to pay a pound to wear fucking pink for the day. I'm quite a generous person, but i begrudge giving a fiver a week to people i don't know.

4.
Two 15 minute PAID breaks, and an hour for lunch. Unless you would prefer to take a half hour lunch, in which case- service permitting- you are allowed to leave an hour early.

5.
One place i worked in had a "whiteboard". You would put your name on it and ask to leave either half day, or an hour or so before the end of the day. Names went into a hat and the winner could go home. This was their own paid holiday they were taking, but nonetheless was a huge morale boost. Everyone likes leaving early, right?

6.
Instead of stuff like cakes or biscuits, the company selects one person who got 100% on a monitored call (basically, gave the best service possible) who recieves vouchers or a bonus on their wages. This happens once a month.

7.
An attainable minimum bonus. Say, £25 for getting the minimum requirement, really easy. £50 a little trickier and £100 for great stats across the board. This bonus is paid monthly.

8 A transparent progression system. Targets and criteria to be considered for promotion are set in stone, are given to all staf in an easy to understand manner, and any promotions are decided by an interviewing panel from another office branch. They have no personal relationships with any candidates, and are not allowed references for the position apart from the candidate's team leader.

There you go, that's just a few ideas to completely turn things around. Easy!

HIP HOP IS SHIT. HERE I GIVE EXAMPLES. HERE THE HATERS HATE.

I have a long-held and very deep hatred for the genre of music known as hip hop. There are many reasons, several of which will be mentioned here, but before i do i shall give you something to chew on. Like a wordy bone for you to weep solemnly upon.

Chapter one: concerning "Haters".

Urban Dictionary has provided two delicious definitions of the word "hater". I will vomit them into your waiting mouths like worms to chicks.

1. Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!
"I CANT STAND A HATER"
" look at them haters over there hatin cuz we rockin the new shit and they not"

Note that this peasant has spelt the word "jealous" incorrectly. The subtle use of exclaimation marks only compounds this cretinous bilgetorrent.

2. A term used by others, usually being suburban "gangsters", whose lives are absolutely and undeniably defined by what others think. These people "rumble" often and think of themselves as original and/or indestructable. People that use the term "haters" are the lowest stage of the evolutionary scale. They bleed the fastest and have thought processes similar to that of a mentally underdeveloped cat.

That's not one of my definitions, but if i was to gravitate towards one then it would be the second. Personally, I'm somewhere else on this. It's not the word, nor the people who use the word, but the mentality behind it.

Do you like bacon? Hell yeah you like bacon. It's the best goddamn food on the planet. Unless you are a vegetarian. This may mean you have your beliefs and are well entitled to them. You don't eat animals? Fair enough. I was the same for a long time. I didn't dislike anyone for eating meat, it was a personal choice.

So, we have established that some people don't like bacon. Now in terms of "hating". If you were a vegetarian you would be deemed to be "Hatin' on bacon? Why you hatin' on bacon?!?!?".
You may well give reasons but the fact remains. It's yes or no, black or white and no middle ground. In the grand scheme of Hatology there is no room for not feeling like eating meat or maybe preferring some cereal. No, your breakfast must be bacon or you will be taken from this ghetto and shot for hatin'.

This is ridiculous, and a major symptom of why hip hop culture is a vile cancer which must be stopped.

Chapter 2. Hip hop is pointless.

Rap music began as an offshoot of disco in the late 70's. Disco was abhorrent. Let's not dispute that. What happened was that the Sugar hill gang made quite a catchy song in which they expressed delight at their rap japery, all was well. Then other people started doing it. Now i don't know exactly what they were thinking, but eventually they began to "beatbox". Now, i'm not a scientist but i reckon if you added up all the time people spend becoming an awesome beatboxer, divided it in half and calculated such things. Then it would be roughly enough time to get a fucking job, buy a drumkit and hang out with real musicians long enough to actually make music.
Sadly, my words go unheeded. Beatboxing continues unabated. On top of this mumblefuckery, morons the world over started to rhyme words over the top of these stuttercunts on streetcorners across hell. Thus, modern hip hop as we know it was born. They graduated to turntables so they could steal music from musicians. Talk over it, and display it to the world like a toddler who has produced their first turd in a real toilet.
Bellends the world over went just apeshit for this, and soon a vernacular was born. Soon it became gangsta rap. In which people from bad backgrounds competed to see who was from the worst background. This celebration of poverty would have been a lot less offensive were it not for the shocking treatment of crime and women in this garbage. Women are called ho's and bitches, where crime is glorified. I would provide lyrics to illustrate this, but you lose IQ points every time you so much as look at this shite.
Public enemy appeared just before this, and proceeded to lie about things. Now, again, i'm not a scientist. Nor am i involved in the national gard in any way, but i seriously doubt that Flava Flav can fly a helicopter. Nor did he break Chuck D out of prison using said helicopter. Even if he did, how many violent rapists, murderers and paedophiles escaped during your destruction of the prison, Chuckles? Really? If the shawshank redemption ended with Andy letting everyone go would you still cheer him on? I fucking wouldn't. Stop being so selfish Chuck D.

Secondly, a lot of late 90's hip hop was incredibly racist. This equates to me saying i hate Mr. T because Robert Mugabe is a shit. It doesn't make sense. So i'm caucasian, i'm oppressing you am i? sorry i was too busy being 12 years old and playing contra to oppress anything. Would it make you feel better if i started using irrational logic back? Peasants. Mr. T is fucking awesome by the way, i wanted to be him when i grew up. Such a racist child i was.

This is another point, every major label at the time was run by whites and jews. David Geffen, a gay, jewish man was in charge of one of the biggest companies in the world. Did these "artists" have any problems taking his money? Did they fuck. There you go, you and your principles. What you don't realise is that it just makes the racists more racist and everyone else more reluctant to defend you. You burned a lot of bridges with this shit, rap.

After that Rap started spreading it's cancer to other genres. We had to put up with pop having some dildo rhyming over the likes of britney or mariah carey or whatever. Not that i like either of those, they're shit. Who listens to Just Dance by lady gaga for the bit where the guido starts talking through an autotune? come on, hands up! Yeah, fuck off. Nobody does because it's fucking shit. We had will smith doing his best to beige the fuck out of everything with whatever asinine, anaemic crap he produced. We had Nelly paying women to pretend to be obsessed with him, we had justin timberlake working with pea head (bloke from the neptunes, forgot his name). Cock.

Rap became like that kid in school who was borderline retarded, but the whole class had to slow down so he could keep up. We were all nice to his face, because it's not his fault he was a bit slow, but secretly we longed for him to be diagnosed and sent elsewhere. I'm looking at you, robert webster. Rap was everywhere. You couldn't turn on the tv without seeing some old woman rapping about fucking fanta, or santa rapping about wrapping. It was a joke, we made it safe. We made it boring. At least Gangsta had a bit of spice to it, it was something to provoke a reaction. Hip hop had become boring, as a lot of rappers would no doubt say behind closed doors: It became white.

Then, just when it couldn't possibly get any worse........

Rap metal. And that, motherlovers, is another blog entirely.

LOVE. YES LOVE, THAT OLD BASTARD.

Those of you reading may know me personally. If so you would probably have noticed not only a lack of posts on here but also that i'm acting strangely.
Yes, looking at my phone, grinning like a moron then putting it away. Random smiles and a much sunnier disposition than usual.
Do not be alarmed, i have merely caught love. It's dangerous but at the moment i'm not that bothered. I've met a lovely girl. She is- in her words- "like you but with boobs". This is why i love the girl so much.
There are other reasons of course but i'm not going into them here. Why should i? hearing how wonderful my life is and how i have animated squirrels pissing fairy dust over me. No, you came here for chuckles and such and as sure as all scotsmen are drunk (and should find a real country) im going to give you some laughs.

Picture if you will a sunny sunday afternoon. My girlfriend and i are lying in bed half watching something on TV and chatting. Imagine my surprise when she comes out with "I hate all these women's rights things. Take them away from me, i don't want them. I'll just stay at home cooking and stuff".

She's not quite a suffragette.

What she lacks in an understanding of why women's rights are she more than makes up for in awesomeness. I did something a little mean upon recieving a copy of portal 2. I pretty much ignored her (after she'd come over after work to see me) for 2 hours to play it. That was mean, i shouldnt have but i did lose track of time.
So i decided to ask her a couple of days later if she would like a go. Nope, she was adamant that it looked hard, or boring and she just wasn't into it. Well........

She's now into assassin's creed 2, bayonetta and batman: arkham asylum. Yep, awesome. She's becoming a geek. She bought me a tshirt she thought would look nice on me. I wore it for a week. Then i washed it and wore it again. You know why? was i trying to humour her? nope. That tshirt was a black as hell one with darth vader on it. Bad. ass. She thought i was humouring her. I'm not.

So the other day we were watching the apprentice and one of the contestants has very dead looking eyes. Of course i point out this and my gorgeous other half jumps on me, looks me right in the eye and asks "what's behind my eyes then!?!?!!?" "this", i replied.

You know what the coolest thing is though? no, not that. Take your mind out the gutter. The coolest thing is the fact that, while she might not have the same enthusiasm for certain things as i (for example, Batman, Comics, Zombie movies and other things), she tries. That's the thing, I took her to Manchester Comic-Con the other day and did she moan about the crowds? no. Did she think these people were dumb for dressing up as fictional characters? That grown men were turned to shit about japanese cartoons and meeting little people that were unseen in films she has never heard of? Nope. Not at all, my girlfriend embraced it and tried to see something cool in there. She did, and she takes at least some interest in it because it's new to her. I've never known anyone like that, let alone dated someone like that.

Thing is, it's not a one sided thing. Much as she found it amusing how i was staring wide eyed at stormtroopers and people dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed i felt the same when we walked into Lush in Liverpool city centre. I saw her go completely wide eyed and run round the shop sniffing the different potions and soaps etc on display. Like a tiny blonde rocket, she was so excited and it was genuinely sweet to watch. She talks about clothes and shoes and though i could find that boring, i don't. I don't because she loves that stuff just as much as i love weird cartoons and comics and things.

Basically, no-one's allowed me now. It's a nice feeling. I freak out like im about to get mugged every time a girl looks at me. That's new. It's also new knowing that i've got someone who's actually as crazy about me as i am about her, and that this isn't just a stopgap thing between two bored people. I have no idea what i did to deserve this girl, but i'm glad i did.

Anyway, im going to do blogs about killing things again instead soon. Can't let the man-mask slip too far.

THIS BE A TEST. TAKE THE TEST AND JUDGE YO BAD SELF.

I will ask questions today. They are multiple choice so not too hard. There are no "wrong" answers but i am aware this blog is public so by inserting the phrase Jersey Shore Nudity Blake Lively Dildo Ugg Ice-Docking Lisa Stansfield J-Lo Moist Fiasco I'll probably get more google results. If you found this blog in this way then please take the test. Then shoot yourself in the face you fucking pervert.

1. You would define respect as:

A) "I see that my flatmate has bought bacon. I sure could use a bacon sandwich, i'll ask if it's cool if i have some".

B) "That bloke on the street i just saw called me an arsehole after i repeatedly shouted abuse at him and his girlfriend. This is a Disrespect and i must rectify this."

C)"I would describe respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."

2. After a long and tiresome day, you stop by the local Off License to pick up some drinks. You choose:

A) A few cans of Lager because, although you won't drink them all, one of your friends might call over and it's always nice to offer them a beer.

B) White cider. It's cheap and gets you wrecked.

C) Maybe a bottle of wine, rose' or something.

3. You own a games console. Which one? And which games are you looking forward to?

A) You own a PS3 or XBOX 360. You're looking forward to playing the new Metal Gear, Arkham city and Assassin's Creed.

B) You own a ps2 or at a push a 360 and you only really play fifa or UFC. You await the new need for speed games with huge enthusiasm but think GTA is a bit cerebral and dont like the jokes.

C) you own a wii/Nintendo DS and you just cant wait to play.... I don't know, whatever shit they make for those non-soles.

4. You hear your mobile ringing, what type of mobile is it, and who is calling?

A) It's a nice new phone you have on contract. It has a touchscreen/qwerty keyboard and a really nice camera. You spend too much time messing with apps on it though. It's one of your friends or family calling to ask what you're up to later or just checking in.

B) Someone gave me this phone. honest. Who's calling? er... duno. It's an alright phone like but i had to get it unlocked coz it stopped working a couple of hours after i got it.

C) it's a pay as you go one but i only stick ten pounds a year on it and only use it in an emergency. They're so expensive!

5. The last album you bought was?

A) I don't pay for music. The last piece of music i paid for was a charity single by Radiohead. Before that some obscure alternative group. The last thing i downloaded was a shitload of Rolling Stones albums, they're boss but it's not like Mick Jagger needs the money now is it?

B) A ringtone of that J-Lo Lambada abortion. Other than that you get your mate to do you a cd of pleasure rooms stuff or whatever identikit hip-hop foetus is popular this fucking week. Are you picking up a pattern here? No, you're not you fucking cretin.

C) That Susan boyle one, stop being shocked at what i said at the end of that last option. You're no less wretched.

6. You go shopping. Where?

A) Asda or tesco, they're both pretty cheap but you can get some nice stuff and a man can't live on readymeals. Gotta cook once in a while, because if you can cook you can impress. And impressing girls gets you places.

B) Iceland. I like them things they do for a quid but usually i'll have chippy or somethin.

C) I usually order from Acado and only buy organic, it's just better.

7. You have a date, who with and where do you go?

A) To a nice bar, no idiots and a decent vibe, sometimes they have bands on and they do food as well so if you get there early you can grab something. Don't want it too formal. I met her through a friend of mine, she's pretty awesome.

B) Met this bird who used to go out with me mate. probably go round hers coz shes got the kids. im gonna bring vodka though.

C) a meal at an expensive restaurant followed by yachting.

END OF QUIZ. NOW PREPARE FOR JUDGEMENT.

Mostly A's: You are like me, so therefore pretty awesome. You're a big hit with the ladies and own a nice phone, you're kick-ass at videogames and have impeccable taste, a massive penis and can benchpress many times your own size. You are a god among men, and likely have the faint fragrance of petrol about your person, despite not being anywhere near petrol. Sometimes you like to shave with a hunting knife, just because you can, and you probably like to go out to the woods and fight bears. Not because you dislike them, but because you want to earn their trust. You can probably fly helicopters too, fuck i want to buy you a beer right now. You magnificent beast.

Mostly B's. You're scum. Hate to break it to ya son, but you're worthless. You have nothing to offer society and should really just stop breeding. After all, do we really need any more illiterate car theives? Though if by some black magic or other you're actually reading this, even if you're mouthing the words, there may be hope. Buy a suit. Stop saying "lad" because you are NOT Optimus Prime. Your friends? fuck 'em. I'm giving you an out here, offering you a hand. They might find this, they probably won't but if they do? Yeah i'll help them too. Walk into the Jobcentre and tell them you are looking for work and you WILL take anything. You're not scared of hard work anymore, you're primed. You're ready. You're fucking dumb, but there might be a use for you other than wall insulation. Read a fucking book once in a while, stop listening to anything with a rapper and have some fucking self respect.
Remember i said before there are no "wrong" answers? I lied, you yourself are a wong answer to a rhetorical question. There's hope of course, but it fades every day you maintain this behaviour.

Mostly C's You are a midedle aged woman, how in the name of godly jism did you end up here? Kudos to you though, you've got tenacity. And you probably know what Tenacity means. You probably noticed that my grammar isn't amazing either. Well guess what? This man makes his own grammar. And that shit is MANLY.

I hope this enriched your lives.

I AM GOING TO SHOVE THE ENTIRE GAMING INDUSTRY UP YOUR "CASUAL" FUCKING ARSE. COCK.

Apparently Nintendo is about to unveil the successor to the wii this year. While i used to be a massive, MASSIVE Nintendo fan, my enthusiasm is a tad muted in the face of this announcement. Why? Well. Let me take your country ass back to 1990. It was christmas and my mum and dad, due to being awesome, had bought me the latest must have gadget for kids my age. I woke up on christmas morning and tore the paper off a brand spanking new gameboy. It was beige. It was the size of a brick. It had a screen the size of a 2 pound coin and it
ROCKED.
MY.
TINY.
WORLD.
I still have it. And here it is. In my hands.

Along with a mobile phone one third it's size which can record an hour of HD 720 video and carry god knows how many songs. It could fit the entire library of gameboy titles on it comfortably. Would i play games on it? nope. Can't be bothered, but you bet your arse i still bust out tetris and metroid 2 on the gameboy now and again.

Anyway after the gameboy i was given an NES the christmas after. the cartridges were MASSIVE! The games were massive too! I remember one birthday getting probotector (contra) and bill and ted's bogus journey on video. What a summer that was. Constantly hammering probotector, getting just a little further every time. I didn't know about the konami code because there was no internet, and i couldnt afford expensive magazines as a 10 year old kid. So what did i do? i tried, again and again, to beat the game. one day i did. I finally beat contra. Now i'll tell you that losing my virginity and ordering my first pint in a pub were great moments for me. The first time i got to see a lady buck nekkid, the time i found that porn behind the cinema in allerton. The first time i went to a gig on my own (wellm, with a few friends, blur- 1993 on the great escape tour in manchester, but i digress) but not one of those things can compare to the majesty of seeing an 8-bit helicopter fly away from an exploding island and seeing the congratulations screen telling me that i had just tore red falcon a new one. I still play it, i still love it and every time i hear people whine that it's too hard i think the same.

Man the fuck up.

And that is pretty much the whole point of this blog. Dara O'Brien is an excellent comedian and did this really funny bit on metal gear which had me in stitches, but he also said something along the lines of "games are the only medium where if you havent got enough skill you dont get to see the whole thing, if you go to see a film they dont throw you out halfway because you can't press a sequence of buttons". I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it.
Anyway i don't agree. Games are interactive entertainment but without challenge what is the point? That's like saying during the world cup finals the whole thing should be predetermined and scripted. What's the point? Tere is a level of interaction with games that should at least give you the illusion of controlling events. Whether that's managing to survive a gunfight in COD or managing to avoid tiny white missile dots in gradius. There is a point, there's something you're working toward and a sense of accomplishment in seeing an end sequence. If a game decides to just roll over and let you win then that sense of accomplishment is lost. I just got the S rank on level 5 of hard corps uprising. I did the 1st 3 lwevels without being hit. That is skill! Maybe you're impressed by that, maybe not. The thing is when i see the S rank medal and hear the voice say "A TRUE WARRIOR!" I'm punching the air and jumping up and down. Maybe thats a bit sad but it makes me very happy. I'm a gamer, its what i love doing.
Now with the release of the wii nintendow showed some visuals from Zelda, twilight princess and i was pretty much sold. My ex girlfriend loved the idea because of wii sports and that. I figured it would be a return to those glorious days spent in the jungles of god knows where twatting robots with a flamethrower.

I had a wii for 2 years. In those 2 years i bought 8 games.

I now have a PS3 and have owned that for 3 years. my trophy list has over 60 games on it. Now, is sony more catered towards my tastes? Perhaps. Does the PS3 have more choice. Certainly.
The wii was a dedicated games machine, and that is admirable. It didn't try to lure you in with bells and whistles and blurays and whatever. It just played games. Why, then, did nintendo decide to not concerntrate on it's incredibly popular franschises with the exception of mario? Where was kid icarus, where was a first party metroid title (not that the prime series was bad, far from it. one of my favourite gaming series ever). Where was starfox? I mean a starfox game with motion controls would have been immense!
The only games i really played on wii were old virtual console titles. These are titles i could easily find for nothing on the internet but due to a twisted loyalty to Nintendo i shelled out on starfox 64, super mario brothers, super contra and uper metroid etc. Every time i played them it just reminded me of what nintendo were doing wrong.

So now the wii 2 is coming out and i have a horrible feeling that it's going to be a huge let down. Another hannah montana horse trainer game that is bundled with a pink fucking console. Fuck them, you knwo what needs to be done? a dedicated games machine for "casual" gamers. The Man united fans of the gaming world. It will be a shitty box with an on and off button and voice recognition that straight up asks you what you want to play. If the pleb in front of it says "HERP A DERP I WUN PLEH MUSIC GAME" The machine opens a small tray with a plastic flute in it that the moron then proceeeds to slobber into while the fucking console blasts N*Dubz at them. No skill. just act like youre doing something. Want to beat the boss in "SUPERLOVELYFUMBLEGARDEN: FLOWERS AND SHERBERT EDITION"? Just wiggle a stick at the screen. The machine will tell the boss to just go home, no violence. oh no. Cant have that.
I want to release a fitness title that is just some random bloke screaming "GO FOR A WALK YOU FAT FUCK. IT'S SUNNY! GO ON! FUCK OFF OUT!".
Well it beats standing around with a fuckng balance board. cheaper and all.

And you know what this piece of shit casual bastard industry ruining smegma bucket will be called?
*sigh*
Yeah, thats right. An out loud sigh.
Go out and buy a fucking sigh because you just arent hardcore enough.

ZE OLYMPICS. LIKE THE SUPPORT BAND TO THE END OF THE WORLD. LET US BOTTLE THIS GARBAGE OFFSTAGE.

Ok so first of all i have little to no interest in sport. It involves neither beer or sharking to get laid so has no merit in my eyes. 

Every four years the BBC give hours and hours of TV and radio coverage to sports that nobody has heard of, the whole world comes together to watch some tit from lowestoft wiggle their arse in a walking race. Walking is not a sport. Walking is what you do when travelling to the shop on a hungover sunday to purchase milk, fags and possibly a copy of the sunday sport (which has no sport but many half naked women, somethiing i can get behind).

Have you ever seen this shit in action? Seriously, people dedicate their lives to this: 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

She actually looks like a hooker in a hurry, which is a much better name than "racewalking" which sounds like some kind of charity supported by Lenny Henry.

Seen here as M. Bison in Shakespeare's Othello.

Dressage. Which until now i believed to be a quantity of dresses, is actually a fucking wii game brought horribly to life. In short, a horse minces about with some tophatted gobshite burdening it then stops. That's it. Wear hat. Move horse. This is not a sport, it's a gesture. 

<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zKQgTiqhPbw?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

at one point one of the commentators in this video says "look how straight they are". No comment.

Apparently that was dramatic. 300 was dramatic. This is someone riding a horse. Zero drama, many hats. Not a sport. Next.

Here are some ideas for improving the olympics. 

1. Have it on a massive floating platform in the middle of the ocean, with no railings. That way nothing is safe. You want drama? You got it! 
2. Dressage, ping pong and mincing are out. Chainsaw fighting, men's freestyle punch ups and women's freestlye catfighting are in.
3. THUNDERDOME
4. Pie eating contests, i know its not a sport but neither is fucking ping pong.
5. Sue barker out. Kelly brook in.
6. Crucify adrian chiles on a massive cross made of license payer's frozen piss.
7. For the ladies, the ever likeable and charming Ryan Reynolds.
8. Women's competitive cosplay, why? Here's why.

For those of you now up on the term, in short here are the 2 opposing extremes of cosplay; 

WINNING!!!!!!!!!!

Ehhhhhh..... not so much.

So now we have that out of the way (stop looking at cammy, i saw her first) we can move on to the most annoying thing about this utter shitparade. The Opening ceremony. We get a bunch of precocious little shits and parade them round a stadium in front of THE WHOLE WUUURRRLLLL because apparently the people of Darfur and Libya will probably down tools for a bit to watch some affulletics after seeing some grinning little shit piss about with a flag. Wonderful. "hey, remember when i had the ebola virus and watched some competitive walking? cleared it right up!". Seriously these ceremonies beggar belief. The closing one at the last one was odd enough. Jimmy Page appeared on the top of a bus and Liona Lewis murdered a Led Zeppelin song in front of THE WHOOLLLL WUUURRRLLL then Boris Johnson failed to wave a flag. Then people who were meant to represent british culture but were more like an eastern European Village People came out and danced a bit. Then, and i'm taking this as a quote:

"A handover of a treasured English football by a child of the world to a child of London that takes place by the bus -- a symbolic gesture reflecting the importance of friendship and young people to the Olympic Movement."

 Okay. So one, London is in the world. I live in the world and i've been to London. It's nice, i liked it, and it is DEFINITELY in the world. So that kid who stole the football, wherever he was from, is the one who isn't on the world mate.

Secondly "the importance of friendship and young people to the olympic movement". Please come and form an orderly queue for me to kick you all in the fucking teeth.What a tepid, boring thing to say. This is sports! It's COMPETITIVE. You COMPETE in events to WIN. This statement makes it sound like a fucking 90's music video by arrested development. Hippie scum. This is why we need thunderdome. 

I can't wait for these tourists to flood in to watch this garbage only to get knifed up by some horrid little chav in an alley somewhere. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of. Sarcasm, Xenophobia, Surreal humour, satire, binge drinking, casual drug use, teen pregnancy, poverty and bland food. That'll show the bastards! Come on world! bring your "children of the world" over here and unleash Jeremy Kyle's finest on 'em! Let's 'ave it!

I'm going to introduce hooliganism to the olympics. I'm going to get monumentally drunk, paint myself with the St George's flag and scream EEEENGERLUUUUNNNNN at the opening ceremony then throw bottles of napalm at the international fuckwits who turn up to bellend it up for half an hour while taxpayers money goes up in a shitload of fireworks. That's right, i work in a job i hate and pay taxes for this shit. I should be represented. Fuck you, world. You're in my house now and i make the rules.

And you know what? if a couple of hundred people did turn up and act like that i would give them medals. They're doing more for this country by showing this garbage up for what it is than sitting at home blogging about it. I'm serious here. I hate the attitude behind the olympics. The people who organize it, the sports themselves. The slogans, the 50 grand logos. Boris Johnson. All of it. Call it all off and let's just spend the money on one massive pissup. Why? Here's why.

BECAUSE WE ARE ENGLISH. DRINKING AND FIGHTING IS WHAT WE DO. YOU DISAGREE? WELL COME ON, WORLD. OUTSIDE. COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF YOU TEPID, PING PONG PLAYING, DRESSAGE LOVING FUCKS.

BEFORE READING THIS YOU REALY SHOULD CLICK THE LINK BELOW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDSK91mUNLU

 

listen to this pice of shit.

So. Mika here thinks that "big girls are beautiful". Well as far as the girls in the video go some are ok. After a stylist, makeup artist and several post production folks have had a good tinker with you.

Thing is, this prick is telling every lardy twat in the country that they're just fucking fine and dandy as they are. Jamie Oliver dies for your sins and this is how you repay him!?!?

I could write a book about what is wrong with this situation but i'll settle for a blog post. Now, first of all i'm not using the word big. Lets call a spade a spade here. Fat. Yes, fat. That's right. Fat girls you are apparently beautiful. According to one man who would absolutely never even think of sleeping with you. 

Sorry to burst your bubble but the fact is Mika is very, very gay indeed and would never even entertain the thought of being anything other than a friend to you.

So on a typical night out wiht Mika you could expect to be chated up by some labourer from Bolton or something. Yay, go you! Fatty done pulled a retard! Well done. I hope you're happy together. 

A far more likely scenario is that you will sit there with Mika and watch men stay away in their droves, thats ok though! You're only out with your friend who understands you as a woman and sees you for who you are. Regardless of size. He'll get a call after a couple of hours and go see his "friend" but that's cool. You had a good night, you go home and sleep it off and you know what? It's all ok because he loves you for who you are and you're happy with your size. 20 or otherwise.

So you turn on the TV at home, and what comes on but that advert you like. You know? The diet coke one, where that gorgeous bloke comes and takes his top off! Ooh he's lovely isn't he? He's not there this time though. No, it's Eamonn Holmes.

He's not even that fat, but would you go round singing "average bloke, you are wonderful"? would you fuck.

Eamonn is standing there topless while these Bridget Jones types leer at him and give themselves in to a sexual frenzy. Still finding this cheeky, sexy, funny? No, no youre not. Why's this? Well because you just got fucking SERVED, thats why! 

Eamonn Holmes isn't even that fat, hes not massive, hes thouroughly averaged really for a middle aged man. Who is going round singing his praises? Do we have some woman singing a catchy disco-pop tune while a hundred husky but unremarkable middle aged men mince down some stairs behind them? No! 

I've a couple of theories about why this is and the first one is that men just don't care. You know why? No, it's not because men are stupid, you could NOT be further from the truth. It's because men do not care about this trivial shit due to the fact that we are too busy trying to improve ourselves and everything else. Yes, you read that right. Real men don't get involved in this superficial shit due to the fact that we are all too busy doing a job, or trying to make something of ourselves for our families, or to attract someone to start a family with. Granted we do attempt to scrub up when we need to but we don't need a fucking pop singer to tell us that we have permission to do so. Most men's attitude goes something like "why are you singing about me? because i'm AWESOME? Well i knew that already, fuck off!". 

Thats how we think because thats how we're MEANT to think.

The second theory is that the men who do need this positive reassurance are so ashamed of it that they do not want anyone drawing attention to this fact, well this isnt something i can help with too much except to say that if that is you, then just do everything you can to sort that shit out. I used to be a right fat bastard myself, i lost weight and it wasnt easy but i did it. I'm not skinny now by any means but you know what? I have a lot of self confidence because i know i'm a really god guy and i have a lot to be proud of. If you don't see that yourself then you're just not looking hard enough. Seriously, fucking internet fives.

So here comes the main points, the main one being that if you're reading this and you're a woman are you so insecure that you need some idiot to write a song to say you're ok? Do you fuck, what you need is to look in a mirror and say that maybe youre not megan fox, and maybe you're not perfect, but you will never need anyone to validate you as a person. You're doing ok, and as long as you accept that you're not perfect, but you could be a hell of a lot worse, then you don't need anyone to patronize you! Does the media stick size zero models everywhere? So what? Do you think i reckon i'll ever get a girl who looks like Natalie Portman? Do you think i want to? Hell no! As long as you give me a boner and are fun to hang out with we're fine!

Give yourself a break, its stupid to think that this is what's excpected of you!

Anyway what im saying is just be happy and that you have every right to be confident and happy. It's a symptom of something very wrong when Mika has to write shit like that song, it's not your fault and you should sort yourself out if you're unhealthy, but if you can be happy then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

FUCK YEAH. MAN THOUGHTS.

TAKE ME OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I am currently sat on the couch in the living room and as i type my friends are watching take me out. This show is ITV's latest salvo in the war against dignity and a very good argument for a Khmer Rouge style fascist genocide.
There is currently something resembling a particularly rubbish female drag king attempting to look like Preston From the ordainary boys running like a woman and begging to be loved by what looks like a friday night in fucking Cardiff. This is apparently entertaining because the studio audience seem to make screeching noises everytime Paddy McGuinness opens his stupid, northern wordhole. After choosing whatever bastion of feminism decides that Preston is worthy of sniffing their taint they are summarily packed off to some tropical paradise so they can sit outside eating in the wind and go surfing or something. All the time having conversations which would make Noel Coward implode with jealousy. Why do we want to see some povvy gobshite and some pointless little woman that has marginally less personality than a parsnip frolic about in the sun? We're sat in england miserable, cold and cynical. There is no reason to live vicariously through people who i would probably poke with a stick rather than talk to. I would be more likely to study their habits than fuck them.
The newest prole to beg for sex after arriving down the failtube is a scottish italian man who runs a chippy. Wonderful. He then proceeds to make pizza and say the words "spicy sausage" in a way that one of the harridans find amusing. It is then revealed that one of the girls still in the running to bone this knobjockey once "snogged a professional footballer". This is revealed by McGuinness in a manner that suggests that this woman had located a cure for cancer and created cold fusion in the same day. This pretty much sums up the entire show.
Another theme of the show is of a young welsh girl named Lucy. Lucy is a cute, pretty young lady who seems harmless and friendly even if she's not a bastion of intelligence. She actually seems like a nice person and someone even i would have a problem slagging off. Needless to say Lucy has been on this shitpile since records began and has yet to be chosen by any of the gurning fuckwits who grace the glittering floor of this sheer dickery.
The thing that baffles me most about this show, apart from the deification of stupidity, the cheapness of the whole thing, the speed dating on speed format, PADDY FUCKING MCGUINNESS (a man so devoid of any personality that if we put him in the LHC he would more than likely fuck the entire universe then start on any multiverses that may or may not exist, therefore absorbing us into him and rendering hell a vile, horrible reality), and the girls who with few exceptions make a tremendous argument for misogyny, that totally baffles me, is that a lot of my friends love this. Even some of the most intelligent people i know watch this every weekend without fail. To be honest i feel a bit left out. I bloody hate it. Maybe i'm just too cynical or jaded but the fact is i find this impossible to enjoy. Anyway if you read this far then well done. here is a picture.

BASTARD.

TODAY WAS A DAY OF GAMES. THE GAMES I PLAYED ARE DISPLAYED BEFORE EE.

One.
Are you female? If so are you reading this? why are you reading this? Are you skinny? are you pale? have you little to no self esteem? Do people find you a bit stupid? Do you wear glasses and go out with your friends who you believe are much better looking than you? Do they get hit on by scally bellends while you sit in the corner waiting, hoping, for a real man... a gentleman even.... to come and chase the clouds away from your life. To make it all ok, to feel a certain closeness with, to curl up on the couch in your jammies with and watch bridget jones with while drinking a bottle of that nice wine you found in asda for about 7 quid? Do you want to spend saturday night poised in front of x factor with this guy, knowing he will always care for you no matter what? That he loves you unconditionally and that come hell or high water, he would crawl through broken glass just to make you smile?

I used to be that guy. Now i'm not. Go fuck yourself you nasty walking trap.

Two.
TODAY GAMES WERE DEVISED WHILST WORKING ON MAH JOB. GAME THE FIRST. IT IS A PENIS GAME. YOU REPLACE ONE WORD OF A MOVIE, ALBUM OR VIDEO GAME TITLE WITH THE WORD PENIS. HERE BE EXAMPLES.

1. Pirates of the carribean: The curse of the black penis.
2. Don't tell mom he babysitter's penis.
3. Bill and Ted's Bogus Penis.
4. Mary Shelley's Penis
5. Star Wars episode 1; the phantom penis
6. City Slickers 2; the legend of curly's penis.
7. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the Crystal Penis
8. one flew over the cookoo's penis
9. full metal penis
10. it's a wonderful penis
11. penis of arabia
12. requiem for a penis
13. eternal sunshine of the spotless penis
14. penis cassidy and the sundance kid
15. let the right penis in

Right so thats what i did today, a friend and i also sang the subtitles of the jeremy kyle show opera style lending a more highbrow air to proceedings. that was a laugh that.

Later peeps.

MUSIC FESTIVAL DIATRIBE

I hate the very idea of music festivals. I tend to look at the bill, think "oh, i like three of those bands. Now i will pay 200 quid and buy some camping gear, and some festival worthy clothing. Then arrange to get to this event. Then book time off work to go to this event....." then i give up and go listen to the album because chances are the band i do like sound shite live anyway.
Why do they bother with rap acts? Nobody likes "urban" music at these festivals. They have money for tickets and urban swill is for poor people. You're not very ghetto if you attend a private school and your mum and dad have bought you a fucking flat in hoxton. You're a bellend trying to be something you're not. I'm a complete bastard. I know this, i don't pretend otherwise. STOP PRETENDING TO LIKE RAP. NOW.
It always makes me chuckle when music festivals have some random "world music" act on that NOT. ONE. FUCKER. likes and they stand there grinning hitting a bin and chanting for half an hour. Like that bloody youssou n'dour bloke at live 8. who the fuck came to see him? Bollocks to that. "oh pink floyd have reformed but i'm here to see that bloke who sang with neneh cherry many years ago on one song". Not bloody likely. Not even people on drugs like this shit. Fuck world music. You know what's awesome? British, american and norwegian music. That's why the rest of it is called world music. It's like when we call thick kids "special". Theyre just fuck stupid but if we dress it up a bit they may not take to constant weeping due to them being dealt such a shit hand in life. Therefore world music is made exclusively by retarded children. And Peter Gabriel.
What's worse than the lineup? Why your fellow festival goers of course! There's the dreadlocked wanker doing poy because he's oh-so-fucking free spirited. The bellend who has been coming to the same bastard festival for 30 years now and has brought his monumentally irritating family along so they can all watch fucking hawkwind. The knobhead wearing the tshirt from the 1987 event that he wears EVERY FUCKING YEAR. The posh as fuck little Tarquins who refer to Glastonbury as "Glarr-sters" who should be summarily rounded up and gassed. The misguided fuckwits abound, meaning the likes of you and i (well, maybe you, i mean you might be reading this all annoyed now with wisps of steam flowing krakatoa-like from your ears. In that case, fuck off. Because really i do mean most of this post. I know i'm just trying to be funny most of the time but this time i'm being selfish and actually writing something i'm quite honest about. Except the retarded kids part. There's nothing funny about sick kids) can't enjoy seeing a load of bands.
Camping. Thats shit. I know, i'll leave the comfort of my home for three days to sleep under some very thin material while a spontaneous drum circle occurs for eight bastard hours. Fuck off. I'll shit in your drums then make you wear them like a fucking barrell. Parading your shit-festooned, horrid little barrellself around the whole fucking country with "DRUM CUNT" carved into your forehead. Bastard hippies. no, here's what will happen. I'll stay home and you can put up with paloma faith playing freeform jazz with some homeless cubans who can only play one stringed zithers and hit pans.

I'm actually going to bed now because i may die from rage. Goodnight you sexy, sexy people.

I AM WASTED THIS BLOG HAS NO PICTURES YEAH DEVIL

THIS BLOG POST SHALL BE ALL IN BOLD I HAVE DECIDED. I SPOKE TO SOMEONE TODAY AND YES I HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER IN BOLD BUT YES IT IS IN CAPS. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? I SINCERELY HOPE IT IS YOU HARD TO PLEASE FUCKERS. I LONG FOR NOISE. NOT STRUCTURED MUSIC BUT SOME GUTTURAL SNARLING WEIRDNESS. STRUCTURE IS NICE AND HAS ITS PLACE BUT WHAT I WANT IS SOME CHAOTIC BUSINESS. I HAVE BECKS, BECKS IS GOOD.  NOT BECHAME THE BALL KICKER BUT BECKS THE BEER. IT SHALL BE MY DOWNFALL AND I KNOW THAT. KNOW WHAT THOUGH? *STEPS DOWN OFF STOOL AND THROWS MIC AT CHILD* I DONT CARE! LESS SHITS GIVEN AT A CONSTIPATION SUPPORT GROUP IN FIBREVILLE. I GOT A BUS TODAY. WELL I GOT 3 ACTUALLY BUT THEY WERE ALL SHIT. WIRRAL HAS NICE SEATS THOUGH, THEYRE GOOD FOR THE ARSE THEY ARE. I LIKE WOMEN BUT THEY SEEM TO ANNOY ME TOO. I AM CONSIDERING WRITING SEXIST SONGS NOW. NOT BAD SNGS BUT BLATANTLY SEXIST ONES. WHATS WRONG WITH BEING SEXY? NOTHING BUT I DIDNT MEAN THAT. MISTER BEAN? COCK, TOTAL COCK. I HATE THAT GUY. IF THATS WHAT FOREIGN PEOPLE THINK OF ENGLAND THEN I SAY WE TURN THE WHOLE PLACE INTO A CAR PARK NOW. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS A TOTAL COCK? HITLER. IF HE WAS HERE I'D PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE. SLAP THE AUSTRIAN OUTTA HIS SELF IF YA GIT MEH. I LIKE NIRVANA AGAIN. I DONT KNOW IF THAT MEANS I AM REGRESSING TO SOME SORT OF AWKWARD TEENAGE THING BECAUSE IM HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE BUT HEY, LETS TAKE BETS. YOU KNOW WHEN I DIE, RIGHT? I WANT "HERE LIES GRAHAM "AWESOMESAUCE" CAMMACK. HE DIED OF THE GUSH. HE WAS INVINCIBLE BUT HES WELL DEAD THIS FELLA" ON MY TOMBSTONE. I'M SICK OF HEARING "OH ITS WHAT HE/SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED" FROM PEOPLE AFTER DEATHS. ITS SHIT. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? CAN YOU TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE? NO. NOT EVEN BRUCE WILLIS CAN TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE YOU PRETENTIOUS SHIT. NOW I REALISE THAT THIS IS ONE LONG PARAGRAPH AND THAT MOST OF YOU WILL NOT READ THIS SO IM GOING TO STICK A PICTURE OF A SAUCY LADY HERE TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.

  SEE. I DELIVERED. I FIRST GOOGLED SAUCY LADY BUT GOT SOME MAD LOOKING BIRD SO FUCKED THAT OFF. THEN I GOOGLED SHITTY PORN. DONT EVER GOOGLE THAT. SERIOUSLY. IT'S WAY TOO LITERAL. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THE JAPANESE AND OCTOPI? THEYRE AN ODD BUNCH THEM BUT I LIKE EM JHUST THE SAME AS THEY MAKE THINGS. IF YOU SEE MADE IN JAPAN ON SOMETHING ITS LIKE A SEAL OF QUALITY. UNLIKE RECORDS BY SEAL WHICH ARE FREQUENTLY POOR QUALITY. I WOULD HAPPILY PUNCH THAT FUCKER. WHATS THAT NIRVANA SONG WHERE HE SAYS LIKE "HELP MEEEEE, IM FUCKING HUNGRY" CALLED? I LIKE THAT ONE. I MIGHT MAKE A WHOLE ALBUM WHAT SOUNDS LIKE THAT AND JUST GIVE IT AWAY TO EVERYONE LIKE THAT BASTARDS OF SOUND SHITE I DID. YOU KNOW WHY I CREATED BASTARDS OF SOUND? I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY PUT UP WITH MY SHIT. IM LIKE KANYE WEST IN THAT WAY BUT INSTEAD OF BEING LOADED IM ACTUALLY PRETTY BROKE. I COULD LOVE TO GET CLOSE TO TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST HAVE A SMELL OF HER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SMELLS NICE HER. SHES SKINNY AND BLONDE AND LOOKS A BIT DIM. I LIKE GIRLS LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE GIRLS LIKE? SOMEONE I WAS TALKING TO EARLIER WHO RECKONS SHE CAN BEAT ME AT POOL. SHE FUCKING CAN'T LIKE, I LET HER WIN A WHILE BACK AND SHE RECKONS SHES ALL THAT. SOUR NEWS MISS. I WAS FAKING. SHE THOUGHT I WAS EASY THAT ONE. I MEAN I AM LIKE BUT STILL. THIS IS PROBABLY THE SHITTEST BLOG POST IVE EVER DONE. BETTER THROW IN ANOTHER PICTURE.

LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS TIT. SHIRT BUTTONED UP? CHECK. GALLAGHER EYEBROWS? CHECK. SHIT HAIRCUT? CHECK. INFLATED SENSE OF SELF WORTH? FUCKING CHECK. I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HEAR THIS THING PLAY SONGS AND I CANT REMEMBER IT. PROBABLY BECAUSE SOME KIND OF RAPE VICTIM IVE DENIED IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT PAINTING BEHIND HIM IS SHIT AN ALL. YOUKNOW WHAT? EVERYTHING I DONT LIKE IS PROPER WANK. DISAGREE ALL YOU WANT BUT THE FACT IS I CAN ONLY EXPERIENCE THINGS SUBJECTVELY THROUGH MY OWN CONSCIENCE SO AS A RESULT OF THIS IT'S ENTIRELY FUCKING POSSIBLE YOU ONLY EXIST IN MY MIND, I HOPE NOT BECAUSE CHANCES ARE I QUITE LIKE YOU BUT I MEAN, IT MIGHT BE HAPPENNING. I'VE BEEN VEGETARIAN FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW. HOW BOSS IS THAT? IM WELL CHUFFED ME. IT'S 2.08 AM AND IM NOT EVEN TIRED. HOW SHIT IS THAT. IM OFF TO BED ANYWAY.