Hello people.
I haven't done any posts for a while as I was too busy looking for a job after leaving that shithole I mentioned last time. Also I have found a girlfriend and she's bloody stupendous. Thinks she's a fish and says things like "fart arm orchestra". She's a kindred spirit that one.
I'm working again now and the lovely miss B is on Mass Effect 2 so it's time to unleash the hate.
Today I was browsing a torrent site because I enjoy stealing music, and saw the title of that fat cunt, Mary J Bile's album. For the uninitiated it's called "My life II: The Journey Continues". Now, I have not seen the cover to this, but I already know it will make me want to throw her in the fucking sea. I will Google it, now.....
Okay so she's mincing about in front of orange sky photoshopped to fuck. It's actually not as bad as I expected. I thought it would be black and white and have her dumb face trying to look all noble and shit. Maybe she gave up.
That's not the point! The point is this title is so fucking pretentious it makes "tales from topographic oceans" sound like fucking pet sounds! I despise the way these R n' B types try to sound all earnest. Like "Curtain Call" by Eminem, or "the miseducation of lauryn hill" by whoever wrote her songs for her. Seriously, you're making the most pointless, soulless consumer baiting tripe possible then trying to look fucking earnest!?!!?!? How the fuck do you people sleep at night?
Back when I was at school rap and R n' B was what the thick people listened to. It's only gotten worse. At least pop back in the 90's was knowingly awful. Europop in particular. Remember that "two times" song? I don't want that played at my funeral. No, I want whoever wrote that locked in my burning fucking casket. It was garbage, like Aqua, Eiffel 65 and the Cartoons. It was utter garbage but it fucking KNEW it was garbage.
Now we have the likes of Dopey from N*Dubz rapping about his dead father while That lass off x factor flies about seemingly in hell. Then a bunch of poor people hold candles and try to look sincere. That video is fucking hilarious. I mean I must have watched it about twenty times with the sound off and if you play something else (I recommend "party in my pants" by Roger Allan Wade) then it becomes something more. Something powerful. If you want to try it then just Google "N Dubz papa can you hear me" because I'm lazy and can't be arsed posting the video here.
The other thing is that dance music seems to have been co-opted by the yanks now. Back in the day I was well into grunge and that, but "higher state of consciousness" By Josh Wink and all the early prodigy tunes were fucking boss! Nowadays you go to clubs and hear that LMFAO lot waving their cocks about and messing with a cordless drill. It's stale, it's boring and it's fake music for fake people. If you aspire to be an orange, gurning cunt like on Jersey Shore then you go for it. Just stay the fuck off my planet and if you even think of setting foot in a recording studio then I will personally cut your fucking hands off. I mean, we did have some good dance stuff in between, but now people just don't seem to care. Dubstep will be obsolete in a couple of weeks (which is a shame, because it's probably the most interesting genre to go mainstream since punk) and all there is to replace it is more and more materialistic shit, or a child screaming slogans at you (what the fuck is "swagger" when it's at home, and how exactly does creating audio wallpaper featuring the blandest cunt in pop constitute anything approaching Mick Jagger?).
Which is another problem. People don't care about people, they care about things. You are completely worthless unless you wear the right clothes, have the right tan, visit the right clubs. Lady GaGa is there fitting into this mainstream by being knowingly "weird" and meanwhile anyone who doesn't care about fitting in may as well not be there. Then GaGa decides that bullying is bad and we all love the underdog again. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THINKING FOR YOURSELF? HAVE THINGS BECOME SO FUCKING BAD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITHOUT SOME MAD BIRD IN A FOIL HAT TELLING YOU THAT PERSECUTING KIDS FOR BEING GAY IS MORALLY FUCKING WRONG!?!?!?
I despair, I really do. You switch on the tv and there we are, celebrating diamonte' fuckery in Essex. This cancer has now spread to my home town. A girl is a nobody unless she has eyebrows which look like they were drawn on by a lion with down's syndrome. Girls spend hundreds a month on pinching, plucking and painting themselves to fit in when they don't have to. Even my Girlfriend, who is just bloody brilliant, still won't go out unless she's got everything just so, lest the judgement of imbeciles falls upon her.
Why can't we just get on with things, not have to dress like everyone else says and fucking get on with things? We could probably have colonies in space now if we didn't fall for ITV and Simon Cowell's big sparkly distraction.
So yeah, THINK! IT'S NOT BAD FOR YOU AND YOU MIGHT FEEL BETTER!
Sunday 27 November 2011
Friday 5 August 2011
BIT MORE SERIOUS THIS TIME, STILL LOADED WITH TWATTERY
A friend of mine *ahem* worked for a company until recently. It was a call centre job but hey, we can't all be scientists. Anyway they started in January 2011 and were told that this particular call centre served as sort of helpdesk for old folks who had recently switched their tv service to freeview or freesat. They also signed people who were elgible for help from the government up for an installation and some equipment. You might have seen the ads with the little android thing.
Anyway this seemed like an ok job. Talk to the oldies, knuckle down and try to get a permanent contract, you know the deal. The training had a large emphasis on making the most of a bad situation. To the degree that an entire half hour was devoted to watching some men in seattle flinging dead fish about and loving it. They were obviously on drugs. Really? Alarm bells should have rang, but didn't. After all he had been told the job was 9-5 Monday to Friday. Easy. There was even overtime if needed. The wage was shocking. A pathetic £6 an hour, but hey, in the current job market even having a job is a result.
So my friend ploughed on through training and thought that this seemed a pretty easy not great, but not the worst in the world. That opinion would soon change. During the first couple of weeks he was treated to abuse from customers, a vile attitude from his management and conditions which bordered on illegal.
For example: When you work in a call centre it is widely accepted that you have to take a break every 15 minutes to avoid fatigue. Staring at a computer all day is damaging to the eyes (yeah, says me). So taking a break for even five minutes or so is a necessity. This was not allowed. Infact, staff were permitted to take a total of one hour's break per day. Even on 12 hour shifts. Two ten-minute breaks and one 40-minute break for lunch. This was unpaid, and- considering the layout of the office- if you wanted to go outside it was impossible to get from the fith floor to the ground floor and back in under 7 minutes. There was one lift which held six people. There were over 300 people in that building at any one time and about 50 or so on breaks. This made it impossible to adhere to break times unless you simply sat on the stairwell for a few minutes then returned to your desk.
It's worth mentioning at this time that although he was working for this company, his actual employer was an agency. This agency treated their staff with the respect that a typical youtube commenter treats the english language. You're sick? well don't excpect anything but more grief there. One colleague of his was dismissed for atending a close relative's funeral. Yeah, you read that right. On top of that this agency would pull every trick in the book to screw you out of money. For TWO ENTIRE MONTHS my *ahem* friend's wages were short. A running battle took place to have a day's holiday paid which he was entitled to, but the agency tried to squirm out of for a myriad of reasons.
When you work for such a small wage, every peny counts. You were paid weekly in this place, and a mistake of a few hours could mean you couldn't pay rent. So upon calling the agency to report their mistake, you would routinely be told that it would be rectified next week. In the meantime, tough shit.
You work for this company? You are a number. You never have, and never will matter. All you are is another voice on the phone to these customers. The very same ones who either think they're being scammed or are just calling to speak to another human. Seriously. One story went something along the lines of: An engineer attended the address to install equipment, only to find the customer stark bollock naked, surrounded by broken dolls and eating her own shit from a commmode. The person on the end of the phone was lucky, they didn't have to see that. They just had to get shouted at by someone with serious mental illness for 45 minutes.
Meanwhile the uper management are content to blow their own trumpets about how successful their company is, while standing on a battery farm of disillusioned people who only work there because they are desperate for work.
As for the workload? Jesus. Where to start? You sign into your phone, you wait ten minutes and twiddle your thumbs, then a call comes through. You disconnect. Another call. Straight away. No rest, no respite. Constant bombardment. This continues for eight hours, or in some cases up to twelve. At one point my friend recieved their shifts (by the way the shifts were decided a day before the last of your current shifts were decided. Take that, social life!) and was gobsmacked to discover that, despite them changing the game early on (they were informed during training that they would be working between 8am and 8pm, on any given day, including weekends, and that these shifts were subject to change at 24 hours notice), they were rota'd in for three weeks of 10 hour shifts. No arguments. That was happening, you don't like it? Leave.
I'm sure there are worse jobs, but i'm lucky enough not to have experienced them. My friend, who i will now call John, once witnessed a member of his team putting eyedrops in (as prescribed by her doctor) only to be chastized by a passing team leader for "chatting". This fat bitch really was a nasty peice of work. Power corrupts, she was proof. A constant scowl on her fat face, and a massive arse. Hideous. She took her self loathing out on everyone else and was a truly pathetic individual.
The layoffs happened about two months into Johnny's stint at this place. One of his friends, a father with a young family who were scraping by, was unceremoniously sacked for daring to take time off to care for his daughter when his fiance' was sick. The guy didn't have enough shit to deal with, apparently. Oh, by the way, if for some reason you were thinking this still sounds better than your current job then the good news is that they're taking on. The bad news is that you won't get a job with them unless you're signing on. See, they only take on people off the dole as the head honcho (i have yet to find the words that describe this creature)gets a bonus for every single one! Yep, he'll take you on, give you a little while then fuck you off to do the same to some other sucker. You will be told of all the wonderful opportunities for advancement that are available. They certainly are, if you know the right people. If not, or if you dare to say that their system is wrong..... fuck you. Because we all know that independent thought has no place in business, right? Yeah.......
For example. Johnny mentioned to his team leader that if the incoming calls were dealt out in a way that gave people maybe 30 seconds to a minute between calls, there would be less reliance on placing the phone into busy at the end of the call. This would mean less opportunity to exploit the idle mode on the phone, which was essentially "do fuck all for a bit" mode. Added to this, when coming out of that mode you would be placed into the back of the queue for the next call. Meaning you would sit for 10 mins doing fuck all whilst everyone else got hammered. Common sense, right? Nope. Johnny was advised that "it's just the way things are with the system". Ok, so you're looking at a simple change that could improve morale, and create better results, but you can't be arsed changing because it's just "the way it is". Fuck! Do these people need a catscan!?!?!?
There's more to this but really, i'm not making allegations that may cause legal action should the people in charge see it. I'm going to end on what i could do right if i was in charge.
1. Ok, first of all there is NO FUCKING POINT in business wear in a call centre. The customers cannot see you. There's no point. Wear whatever you want.
As far as structuring incoming calls? Wherever possible there will be time in between calls. The idle mode will still be available, just check it's ok with a team leader before using it.
2.
Sick pay. Yeah, you heard right, if you call in sick you are still getting paid. If you keep your staff happy then they will show loyalty. Trust your workers. Without them you'd be working in fucking McDonalds. Treat these people with respect.
3.
A total ban on charity collecting, birthdays, pregnancy collections, advertising things for sale etc. This may sound harsh, but when working in a team of 40 people, how many of them do you actually know? If a colleague you're friendly with has a birthday, or a child, get them a card or a little present. as for charity, every colleague has the option to give 5p of their wages per week to charity through a company scheme. Trust me, this would earn a LOT more than asking everyone to pay a pound to wear fucking pink for the day. I'm quite a generous person, but i begrudge giving a fiver a week to people i don't know.
4.
Two 15 minute PAID breaks, and an hour for lunch. Unless you would prefer to take a half hour lunch, in which case- service permitting- you are allowed to leave an hour early.
5.
One place i worked in had a "whiteboard". You would put your name on it and ask to leave either half day, or an hour or so before the end of the day. Names went into a hat and the winner could go home. This was their own paid holiday they were taking, but nonetheless was a huge morale boost. Everyone likes leaving early, right?
6.
Instead of stuff like cakes or biscuits, the company selects one person who got 100% on a monitored call (basically, gave the best service possible) who recieves vouchers or a bonus on their wages. This happens once a month.
7.
An attainable minimum bonus. Say, £25 for getting the minimum requirement, really easy. £50 a little trickier and £100 for great stats across the board. This bonus is paid monthly.
8 A transparent progression system. Targets and criteria to be considered for promotion are set in stone, are given to all staf in an easy to understand manner, and any promotions are decided by an interviewing panel from another office branch. They have no personal relationships with any candidates, and are not allowed references for the position apart from the candidate's team leader.
There you go, that's just a few ideas to completely turn things around. Easy!
Anyway this seemed like an ok job. Talk to the oldies, knuckle down and try to get a permanent contract, you know the deal. The training had a large emphasis on making the most of a bad situation. To the degree that an entire half hour was devoted to watching some men in seattle flinging dead fish about and loving it. They were obviously on drugs. Really? Alarm bells should have rang, but didn't. After all he had been told the job was 9-5 Monday to Friday. Easy. There was even overtime if needed. The wage was shocking. A pathetic £6 an hour, but hey, in the current job market even having a job is a result.
So my friend ploughed on through training and thought that this seemed a pretty easy not great, but not the worst in the world. That opinion would soon change. During the first couple of weeks he was treated to abuse from customers, a vile attitude from his management and conditions which bordered on illegal.
For example: When you work in a call centre it is widely accepted that you have to take a break every 15 minutes to avoid fatigue. Staring at a computer all day is damaging to the eyes (yeah, says me). So taking a break for even five minutes or so is a necessity. This was not allowed. Infact, staff were permitted to take a total of one hour's break per day. Even on 12 hour shifts. Two ten-minute breaks and one 40-minute break for lunch. This was unpaid, and- considering the layout of the office- if you wanted to go outside it was impossible to get from the fith floor to the ground floor and back in under 7 minutes. There was one lift which held six people. There were over 300 people in that building at any one time and about 50 or so on breaks. This made it impossible to adhere to break times unless you simply sat on the stairwell for a few minutes then returned to your desk.
It's worth mentioning at this time that although he was working for this company, his actual employer was an agency. This agency treated their staff with the respect that a typical youtube commenter treats the english language. You're sick? well don't excpect anything but more grief there. One colleague of his was dismissed for atending a close relative's funeral. Yeah, you read that right. On top of that this agency would pull every trick in the book to screw you out of money. For TWO ENTIRE MONTHS my *ahem* friend's wages were short. A running battle took place to have a day's holiday paid which he was entitled to, but the agency tried to squirm out of for a myriad of reasons.
When you work for such a small wage, every peny counts. You were paid weekly in this place, and a mistake of a few hours could mean you couldn't pay rent. So upon calling the agency to report their mistake, you would routinely be told that it would be rectified next week. In the meantime, tough shit.
You work for this company? You are a number. You never have, and never will matter. All you are is another voice on the phone to these customers. The very same ones who either think they're being scammed or are just calling to speak to another human. Seriously. One story went something along the lines of: An engineer attended the address to install equipment, only to find the customer stark bollock naked, surrounded by broken dolls and eating her own shit from a commmode. The person on the end of the phone was lucky, they didn't have to see that. They just had to get shouted at by someone with serious mental illness for 45 minutes.
Meanwhile the uper management are content to blow their own trumpets about how successful their company is, while standing on a battery farm of disillusioned people who only work there because they are desperate for work.
As for the workload? Jesus. Where to start? You sign into your phone, you wait ten minutes and twiddle your thumbs, then a call comes through. You disconnect. Another call. Straight away. No rest, no respite. Constant bombardment. This continues for eight hours, or in some cases up to twelve. At one point my friend recieved their shifts (by the way the shifts were decided a day before the last of your current shifts were decided. Take that, social life!) and was gobsmacked to discover that, despite them changing the game early on (they were informed during training that they would be working between 8am and 8pm, on any given day, including weekends, and that these shifts were subject to change at 24 hours notice), they were rota'd in for three weeks of 10 hour shifts. No arguments. That was happening, you don't like it? Leave.
I'm sure there are worse jobs, but i'm lucky enough not to have experienced them. My friend, who i will now call John, once witnessed a member of his team putting eyedrops in (as prescribed by her doctor) only to be chastized by a passing team leader for "chatting". This fat bitch really was a nasty peice of work. Power corrupts, she was proof. A constant scowl on her fat face, and a massive arse. Hideous. She took her self loathing out on everyone else and was a truly pathetic individual.
The layoffs happened about two months into Johnny's stint at this place. One of his friends, a father with a young family who were scraping by, was unceremoniously sacked for daring to take time off to care for his daughter when his fiance' was sick. The guy didn't have enough shit to deal with, apparently. Oh, by the way, if for some reason you were thinking this still sounds better than your current job then the good news is that they're taking on. The bad news is that you won't get a job with them unless you're signing on. See, they only take on people off the dole as the head honcho (i have yet to find the words that describe this creature)gets a bonus for every single one! Yep, he'll take you on, give you a little while then fuck you off to do the same to some other sucker. You will be told of all the wonderful opportunities for advancement that are available. They certainly are, if you know the right people. If not, or if you dare to say that their system is wrong..... fuck you. Because we all know that independent thought has no place in business, right? Yeah.......
For example. Johnny mentioned to his team leader that if the incoming calls were dealt out in a way that gave people maybe 30 seconds to a minute between calls, there would be less reliance on placing the phone into busy at the end of the call. This would mean less opportunity to exploit the idle mode on the phone, which was essentially "do fuck all for a bit" mode. Added to this, when coming out of that mode you would be placed into the back of the queue for the next call. Meaning you would sit for 10 mins doing fuck all whilst everyone else got hammered. Common sense, right? Nope. Johnny was advised that "it's just the way things are with the system". Ok, so you're looking at a simple change that could improve morale, and create better results, but you can't be arsed changing because it's just "the way it is". Fuck! Do these people need a catscan!?!?!?
There's more to this but really, i'm not making allegations that may cause legal action should the people in charge see it. I'm going to end on what i could do right if i was in charge.
1. Ok, first of all there is NO FUCKING POINT in business wear in a call centre. The customers cannot see you. There's no point. Wear whatever you want.
As far as structuring incoming calls? Wherever possible there will be time in between calls. The idle mode will still be available, just check it's ok with a team leader before using it.
2.
Sick pay. Yeah, you heard right, if you call in sick you are still getting paid. If you keep your staff happy then they will show loyalty. Trust your workers. Without them you'd be working in fucking McDonalds. Treat these people with respect.
3.
A total ban on charity collecting, birthdays, pregnancy collections, advertising things for sale etc. This may sound harsh, but when working in a team of 40 people, how many of them do you actually know? If a colleague you're friendly with has a birthday, or a child, get them a card or a little present. as for charity, every colleague has the option to give 5p of their wages per week to charity through a company scheme. Trust me, this would earn a LOT more than asking everyone to pay a pound to wear fucking pink for the day. I'm quite a generous person, but i begrudge giving a fiver a week to people i don't know.
4.
Two 15 minute PAID breaks, and an hour for lunch. Unless you would prefer to take a half hour lunch, in which case- service permitting- you are allowed to leave an hour early.
5.
One place i worked in had a "whiteboard". You would put your name on it and ask to leave either half day, or an hour or so before the end of the day. Names went into a hat and the winner could go home. This was their own paid holiday they were taking, but nonetheless was a huge morale boost. Everyone likes leaving early, right?
6.
Instead of stuff like cakes or biscuits, the company selects one person who got 100% on a monitored call (basically, gave the best service possible) who recieves vouchers or a bonus on their wages. This happens once a month.
7.
An attainable minimum bonus. Say, £25 for getting the minimum requirement, really easy. £50 a little trickier and £100 for great stats across the board. This bonus is paid monthly.
8 A transparent progression system. Targets and criteria to be considered for promotion are set in stone, are given to all staf in an easy to understand manner, and any promotions are decided by an interviewing panel from another office branch. They have no personal relationships with any candidates, and are not allowed references for the position apart from the candidate's team leader.
There you go, that's just a few ideas to completely turn things around. Easy!
HIP HOP IS SHIT. HERE I GIVE EXAMPLES. HERE THE HATERS HATE.
I have a long-held and very deep hatred for the genre of music known as hip hop. There are many reasons, several of which will be mentioned here, but before i do i shall give you something to chew on. Like a wordy bone for you to weep solemnly upon.
Chapter one: concerning "Haters".
Urban Dictionary has provided two delicious definitions of the word "hater". I will vomit them into your waiting mouths like worms to chicks.
1. Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!
"I CANT STAND A HATER"
" look at them haters over there hatin cuz we rockin the new shit and they not"
Note that this peasant has spelt the word "jealous" incorrectly. The subtle use of exclaimation marks only compounds this cretinous bilgetorrent.
2. A term used by others, usually being suburban "gangsters", whose lives are absolutely and undeniably defined by what others think. These people "rumble" often and think of themselves as original and/or indestructable. People that use the term "haters" are the lowest stage of the evolutionary scale. They bleed the fastest and have thought processes similar to that of a mentally underdeveloped cat.
That's not one of my definitions, but if i was to gravitate towards one then it would be the second. Personally, I'm somewhere else on this. It's not the word, nor the people who use the word, but the mentality behind it.
Do you like bacon? Hell yeah you like bacon. It's the best goddamn food on the planet. Unless you are a vegetarian. This may mean you have your beliefs and are well entitled to them. You don't eat animals? Fair enough. I was the same for a long time. I didn't dislike anyone for eating meat, it was a personal choice.
So, we have established that some people don't like bacon. Now in terms of "hating". If you were a vegetarian you would be deemed to be "Hatin' on bacon? Why you hatin' on bacon?!?!?".
You may well give reasons but the fact remains. It's yes or no, black or white and no middle ground. In the grand scheme of Hatology there is no room for not feeling like eating meat or maybe preferring some cereal. No, your breakfast must be bacon or you will be taken from this ghetto and shot for hatin'.
This is ridiculous, and a major symptom of why hip hop culture is a vile cancer which must be stopped.
Chapter 2. Hip hop is pointless.
Rap music began as an offshoot of disco in the late 70's. Disco was abhorrent. Let's not dispute that. What happened was that the Sugar hill gang made quite a catchy song in which they expressed delight at their rap japery, all was well. Then other people started doing it. Now i don't know exactly what they were thinking, but eventually they began to "beatbox". Now, i'm not a scientist but i reckon if you added up all the time people spend becoming an awesome beatboxer, divided it in half and calculated such things. Then it would be roughly enough time to get a fucking job, buy a drumkit and hang out with real musicians long enough to actually make music.
Sadly, my words go unheeded. Beatboxing continues unabated. On top of this mumblefuckery, morons the world over started to rhyme words over the top of these stuttercunts on streetcorners across hell. Thus, modern hip hop as we know it was born. They graduated to turntables so they could steal music from musicians. Talk over it, and display it to the world like a toddler who has produced their first turd in a real toilet.
Bellends the world over went just apeshit for this, and soon a vernacular was born. Soon it became gangsta rap. In which people from bad backgrounds competed to see who was from the worst background. This celebration of poverty would have been a lot less offensive were it not for the shocking treatment of crime and women in this garbage. Women are called ho's and bitches, where crime is glorified. I would provide lyrics to illustrate this, but you lose IQ points every time you so much as look at this shite.
Public enemy appeared just before this, and proceeded to lie about things. Now, again, i'm not a scientist. Nor am i involved in the national gard in any way, but i seriously doubt that Flava Flav can fly a helicopter. Nor did he break Chuck D out of prison using said helicopter. Even if he did, how many violent rapists, murderers and paedophiles escaped during your destruction of the prison, Chuckles? Really? If the shawshank redemption ended with Andy letting everyone go would you still cheer him on? I fucking wouldn't. Stop being so selfish Chuck D.
Secondly, a lot of late 90's hip hop was incredibly racist. This equates to me saying i hate Mr. T because Robert Mugabe is a shit. It doesn't make sense. So i'm caucasian, i'm oppressing you am i? sorry i was too busy being 12 years old and playing contra to oppress anything. Would it make you feel better if i started using irrational logic back? Peasants. Mr. T is fucking awesome by the way, i wanted to be him when i grew up. Such a racist child i was.
This is another point, every major label at the time was run by whites and jews. David Geffen, a gay, jewish man was in charge of one of the biggest companies in the world. Did these "artists" have any problems taking his money? Did they fuck. There you go, you and your principles. What you don't realise is that it just makes the racists more racist and everyone else more reluctant to defend you. You burned a lot of bridges with this shit, rap.
After that Rap started spreading it's cancer to other genres. We had to put up with pop having some dildo rhyming over the likes of britney or mariah carey or whatever. Not that i like either of those, they're shit. Who listens to Just Dance by lady gaga for the bit where the guido starts talking through an autotune? come on, hands up! Yeah, fuck off. Nobody does because it's fucking shit. We had will smith doing his best to beige the fuck out of everything with whatever asinine, anaemic crap he produced. We had Nelly paying women to pretend to be obsessed with him, we had justin timberlake working with pea head (bloke from the neptunes, forgot his name). Cock.
Rap became like that kid in school who was borderline retarded, but the whole class had to slow down so he could keep up. We were all nice to his face, because it's not his fault he was a bit slow, but secretly we longed for him to be diagnosed and sent elsewhere. I'm looking at you, robert webster. Rap was everywhere. You couldn't turn on the tv without seeing some old woman rapping about fucking fanta, or santa rapping about wrapping. It was a joke, we made it safe. We made it boring. At least Gangsta had a bit of spice to it, it was something to provoke a reaction. Hip hop had become boring, as a lot of rappers would no doubt say behind closed doors: It became white.
Then, just when it couldn't possibly get any worse........
Rap metal. And that, motherlovers, is another blog entirely.
Chapter one: concerning "Haters".
Urban Dictionary has provided two delicious definitions of the word "hater". I will vomit them into your waiting mouths like worms to chicks.
1. Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!
"I CANT STAND A HATER"
" look at them haters over there hatin cuz we rockin the new shit and they not"
Note that this peasant has spelt the word "jealous" incorrectly. The subtle use of exclaimation marks only compounds this cretinous bilgetorrent.
2. A term used by others, usually being suburban "gangsters", whose lives are absolutely and undeniably defined by what others think. These people "rumble" often and think of themselves as original and/or indestructable. People that use the term "haters" are the lowest stage of the evolutionary scale. They bleed the fastest and have thought processes similar to that of a mentally underdeveloped cat.
That's not one of my definitions, but if i was to gravitate towards one then it would be the second. Personally, I'm somewhere else on this. It's not the word, nor the people who use the word, but the mentality behind it.
Do you like bacon? Hell yeah you like bacon. It's the best goddamn food on the planet. Unless you are a vegetarian. This may mean you have your beliefs and are well entitled to them. You don't eat animals? Fair enough. I was the same for a long time. I didn't dislike anyone for eating meat, it was a personal choice.
So, we have established that some people don't like bacon. Now in terms of "hating". If you were a vegetarian you would be deemed to be "Hatin' on bacon? Why you hatin' on bacon?!?!?".
You may well give reasons but the fact remains. It's yes or no, black or white and no middle ground. In the grand scheme of Hatology there is no room for not feeling like eating meat or maybe preferring some cereal. No, your breakfast must be bacon or you will be taken from this ghetto and shot for hatin'.
This is ridiculous, and a major symptom of why hip hop culture is a vile cancer which must be stopped.
Chapter 2. Hip hop is pointless.
Rap music began as an offshoot of disco in the late 70's. Disco was abhorrent. Let's not dispute that. What happened was that the Sugar hill gang made quite a catchy song in which they expressed delight at their rap japery, all was well. Then other people started doing it. Now i don't know exactly what they were thinking, but eventually they began to "beatbox". Now, i'm not a scientist but i reckon if you added up all the time people spend becoming an awesome beatboxer, divided it in half and calculated such things. Then it would be roughly enough time to get a fucking job, buy a drumkit and hang out with real musicians long enough to actually make music.
Sadly, my words go unheeded. Beatboxing continues unabated. On top of this mumblefuckery, morons the world over started to rhyme words over the top of these stuttercunts on streetcorners across hell. Thus, modern hip hop as we know it was born. They graduated to turntables so they could steal music from musicians. Talk over it, and display it to the world like a toddler who has produced their first turd in a real toilet.
Bellends the world over went just apeshit for this, and soon a vernacular was born. Soon it became gangsta rap. In which people from bad backgrounds competed to see who was from the worst background. This celebration of poverty would have been a lot less offensive were it not for the shocking treatment of crime and women in this garbage. Women are called ho's and bitches, where crime is glorified. I would provide lyrics to illustrate this, but you lose IQ points every time you so much as look at this shite.
Public enemy appeared just before this, and proceeded to lie about things. Now, again, i'm not a scientist. Nor am i involved in the national gard in any way, but i seriously doubt that Flava Flav can fly a helicopter. Nor did he break Chuck D out of prison using said helicopter. Even if he did, how many violent rapists, murderers and paedophiles escaped during your destruction of the prison, Chuckles? Really? If the shawshank redemption ended with Andy letting everyone go would you still cheer him on? I fucking wouldn't. Stop being so selfish Chuck D.
Secondly, a lot of late 90's hip hop was incredibly racist. This equates to me saying i hate Mr. T because Robert Mugabe is a shit. It doesn't make sense. So i'm caucasian, i'm oppressing you am i? sorry i was too busy being 12 years old and playing contra to oppress anything. Would it make you feel better if i started using irrational logic back? Peasants. Mr. T is fucking awesome by the way, i wanted to be him when i grew up. Such a racist child i was.
This is another point, every major label at the time was run by whites and jews. David Geffen, a gay, jewish man was in charge of one of the biggest companies in the world. Did these "artists" have any problems taking his money? Did they fuck. There you go, you and your principles. What you don't realise is that it just makes the racists more racist and everyone else more reluctant to defend you. You burned a lot of bridges with this shit, rap.
After that Rap started spreading it's cancer to other genres. We had to put up with pop having some dildo rhyming over the likes of britney or mariah carey or whatever. Not that i like either of those, they're shit. Who listens to Just Dance by lady gaga for the bit where the guido starts talking through an autotune? come on, hands up! Yeah, fuck off. Nobody does because it's fucking shit. We had will smith doing his best to beige the fuck out of everything with whatever asinine, anaemic crap he produced. We had Nelly paying women to pretend to be obsessed with him, we had justin timberlake working with pea head (bloke from the neptunes, forgot his name). Cock.
Rap became like that kid in school who was borderline retarded, but the whole class had to slow down so he could keep up. We were all nice to his face, because it's not his fault he was a bit slow, but secretly we longed for him to be diagnosed and sent elsewhere. I'm looking at you, robert webster. Rap was everywhere. You couldn't turn on the tv without seeing some old woman rapping about fucking fanta, or santa rapping about wrapping. It was a joke, we made it safe. We made it boring. At least Gangsta had a bit of spice to it, it was something to provoke a reaction. Hip hop had become boring, as a lot of rappers would no doubt say behind closed doors: It became white.
Then, just when it couldn't possibly get any worse........
Rap metal. And that, motherlovers, is another blog entirely.
Wednesday 3 August 2011
LOVE. YES LOVE, THAT OLD BASTARD.
Those of you reading may know me personally. If so you would probably have noticed not only a lack of posts on here but also that i'm acting strangely.
Yes, looking at my phone, grinning like a moron then putting it away. Random smiles and a much sunnier disposition than usual.
Do not be alarmed, i have merely caught love. It's dangerous but at the moment i'm not that bothered. I've met a lovely girl. She is- in her words- "like you but with boobs". This is why i love the girl so much.
There are other reasons of course but i'm not going into them here. Why should i? hearing how wonderful my life is and how i have animated squirrels pissing fairy dust over me. No, you came here for chuckles and such and as sure as all scotsmen are drunk (and should find a real country) im going to give you some laughs.
Picture if you will a sunny sunday afternoon. My girlfriend and i are lying in bed half watching something on TV and chatting. Imagine my surprise when she comes out with "I hate all these women's rights things. Take them away from me, i don't want them. I'll just stay at home cooking and stuff".
She's not quite a suffragette.
What she lacks in an understanding of why women's rights are she more than makes up for in awesomeness. I did something a little mean upon recieving a copy of portal 2. I pretty much ignored her (after she'd come over after work to see me) for 2 hours to play it. That was mean, i shouldnt have but i did lose track of time.
So i decided to ask her a couple of days later if she would like a go. Nope, she was adamant that it looked hard, or boring and she just wasn't into it. Well........
She's now into assassin's creed 2, bayonetta and batman: arkham asylum. Yep, awesome. She's becoming a geek. She bought me a tshirt she thought would look nice on me. I wore it for a week. Then i washed it and wore it again. You know why? was i trying to humour her? nope. That tshirt was a black as hell one with darth vader on it. Bad. ass. She thought i was humouring her. I'm not.
So the other day we were watching the apprentice and one of the contestants has very dead looking eyes. Of course i point out this and my gorgeous other half jumps on me, looks me right in the eye and asks "what's behind my eyes then!?!?!!?" "this", i replied.
You know what the coolest thing is though? no, not that. Take your mind out the gutter. The coolest thing is the fact that, while she might not have the same enthusiasm for certain things as i (for example, Batman, Comics, Zombie movies and other things), she tries. That's the thing, I took her to Manchester Comic-Con the other day and did she moan about the crowds? no. Did she think these people were dumb for dressing up as fictional characters? That grown men were turned to shit about japanese cartoons and meeting little people that were unseen in films she has never heard of? Nope. Not at all, my girlfriend embraced it and tried to see something cool in there. She did, and she takes at least some interest in it because it's new to her. I've never known anyone like that, let alone dated someone like that.
Thing is, it's not a one sided thing. Much as she found it amusing how i was staring wide eyed at stormtroopers and people dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed i felt the same when we walked into Lush in Liverpool city centre. I saw her go completely wide eyed and run round the shop sniffing the different potions and soaps etc on display. Like a tiny blonde rocket, she was so excited and it was genuinely sweet to watch. She talks about clothes and shoes and though i could find that boring, i don't. I don't because she loves that stuff just as much as i love weird cartoons and comics and things.
Basically, no-one's allowed me now. It's a nice feeling. I freak out like im about to get mugged every time a girl looks at me. That's new. It's also new knowing that i've got someone who's actually as crazy about me as i am about her, and that this isn't just a stopgap thing between two bored people. I have no idea what i did to deserve this girl, but i'm glad i did.
Anyway, im going to do blogs about killing things again instead soon. Can't let the man-mask slip too far.
Yes, looking at my phone, grinning like a moron then putting it away. Random smiles and a much sunnier disposition than usual.
Do not be alarmed, i have merely caught love. It's dangerous but at the moment i'm not that bothered. I've met a lovely girl. She is- in her words- "like you but with boobs". This is why i love the girl so much.
There are other reasons of course but i'm not going into them here. Why should i? hearing how wonderful my life is and how i have animated squirrels pissing fairy dust over me. No, you came here for chuckles and such and as sure as all scotsmen are drunk (and should find a real country) im going to give you some laughs.
Picture if you will a sunny sunday afternoon. My girlfriend and i are lying in bed half watching something on TV and chatting. Imagine my surprise when she comes out with "I hate all these women's rights things. Take them away from me, i don't want them. I'll just stay at home cooking and stuff".
She's not quite a suffragette.
What she lacks in an understanding of why women's rights are she more than makes up for in awesomeness. I did something a little mean upon recieving a copy of portal 2. I pretty much ignored her (after she'd come over after work to see me) for 2 hours to play it. That was mean, i shouldnt have but i did lose track of time.
So i decided to ask her a couple of days later if she would like a go. Nope, she was adamant that it looked hard, or boring and she just wasn't into it. Well........
She's now into assassin's creed 2, bayonetta and batman: arkham asylum. Yep, awesome. She's becoming a geek. She bought me a tshirt she thought would look nice on me. I wore it for a week. Then i washed it and wore it again. You know why? was i trying to humour her? nope. That tshirt was a black as hell one with darth vader on it. Bad. ass. She thought i was humouring her. I'm not.
So the other day we were watching the apprentice and one of the contestants has very dead looking eyes. Of course i point out this and my gorgeous other half jumps on me, looks me right in the eye and asks "what's behind my eyes then!?!?!!?" "this", i replied.
You know what the coolest thing is though? no, not that. Take your mind out the gutter. The coolest thing is the fact that, while she might not have the same enthusiasm for certain things as i (for example, Batman, Comics, Zombie movies and other things), she tries. That's the thing, I took her to Manchester Comic-Con the other day and did she moan about the crowds? no. Did she think these people were dumb for dressing up as fictional characters? That grown men were turned to shit about japanese cartoons and meeting little people that were unseen in films she has never heard of? Nope. Not at all, my girlfriend embraced it and tried to see something cool in there. She did, and she takes at least some interest in it because it's new to her. I've never known anyone like that, let alone dated someone like that.
Thing is, it's not a one sided thing. Much as she found it amusing how i was staring wide eyed at stormtroopers and people dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed i felt the same when we walked into Lush in Liverpool city centre. I saw her go completely wide eyed and run round the shop sniffing the different potions and soaps etc on display. Like a tiny blonde rocket, she was so excited and it was genuinely sweet to watch. She talks about clothes and shoes and though i could find that boring, i don't. I don't because she loves that stuff just as much as i love weird cartoons and comics and things.
Basically, no-one's allowed me now. It's a nice feeling. I freak out like im about to get mugged every time a girl looks at me. That's new. It's also new knowing that i've got someone who's actually as crazy about me as i am about her, and that this isn't just a stopgap thing between two bored people. I have no idea what i did to deserve this girl, but i'm glad i did.
Anyway, im going to do blogs about killing things again instead soon. Can't let the man-mask slip too far.
THIS BE A TEST. TAKE THE TEST AND JUDGE YO BAD SELF.
I will ask questions today. They are multiple choice so not too hard. There are no "wrong" answers but i am aware this blog is public so by inserting the phrase Jersey Shore Nudity Blake Lively Dildo Ugg Ice-Docking Lisa Stansfield J-Lo Moist Fiasco I'll probably get more google results. If you found this blog in this way then please take the test. Then shoot yourself in the face you fucking pervert.
1. You would define respect as:
A) "I see that my flatmate has bought bacon. I sure could use a bacon sandwich, i'll ask if it's cool if i have some".
B) "That bloke on the street i just saw called me an arsehole after i repeatedly shouted abuse at him and his girlfriend. This is a Disrespect and i must rectify this."
C)"I would describe respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."
2. After a long and tiresome day, you stop by the local Off License to pick up some drinks. You choose:
A) A few cans of Lager because, although you won't drink them all, one of your friends might call over and it's always nice to offer them a beer.
B) White cider. It's cheap and gets you wrecked.
C) Maybe a bottle of wine, rose' or something.
3. You own a games console. Which one? And which games are you looking forward to?
A) You own a PS3 or XBOX 360. You're looking forward to playing the new Metal Gear, Arkham city and Assassin's Creed.
B) You own a ps2 or at a push a 360 and you only really play fifa or UFC. You await the new need for speed games with huge enthusiasm but think GTA is a bit cerebral and dont like the jokes.
C) you own a wii/Nintendo DS and you just cant wait to play.... I don't know, whatever shit they make for those non-soles.
4. You hear your mobile ringing, what type of mobile is it, and who is calling?
A) It's a nice new phone you have on contract. It has a touchscreen/qwerty keyboard and a really nice camera. You spend too much time messing with apps on it though. It's one of your friends or family calling to ask what you're up to later or just checking in.
B) Someone gave me this phone. honest. Who's calling? er... duno. It's an alright phone like but i had to get it unlocked coz it stopped working a couple of hours after i got it.
C) it's a pay as you go one but i only stick ten pounds a year on it and only use it in an emergency. They're so expensive!
5. The last album you bought was?
A) I don't pay for music. The last piece of music i paid for was a charity single by Radiohead. Before that some obscure alternative group. The last thing i downloaded was a shitload of Rolling Stones albums, they're boss but it's not like Mick Jagger needs the money now is it?
B) A ringtone of that J-Lo Lambada abortion. Other than that you get your mate to do you a cd of pleasure rooms stuff or whatever identikit hip-hop foetus is popular this fucking week. Are you picking up a pattern here? No, you're not you fucking cretin.
C) That Susan boyle one, stop being shocked at what i said at the end of that last option. You're no less wretched.
6. You go shopping. Where?
A) Asda or tesco, they're both pretty cheap but you can get some nice stuff and a man can't live on readymeals. Gotta cook once in a while, because if you can cook you can impress. And impressing girls gets you places.
B) Iceland. I like them things they do for a quid but usually i'll have chippy or somethin.
C) I usually order from Acado and only buy organic, it's just better.
7. You have a date, who with and where do you go?
A) To a nice bar, no idiots and a decent vibe, sometimes they have bands on and they do food as well so if you get there early you can grab something. Don't want it too formal. I met her through a friend of mine, she's pretty awesome.
B) Met this bird who used to go out with me mate. probably go round hers coz shes got the kids. im gonna bring vodka though.
C) a meal at an expensive restaurant followed by yachting.
END OF QUIZ. NOW PREPARE FOR JUDGEMENT.
Mostly A's: You are like me, so therefore pretty awesome. You're a big hit with the ladies and own a nice phone, you're kick-ass at videogames and have impeccable taste, a massive penis and can benchpress many times your own size. You are a god among men, and likely have the faint fragrance of petrol about your person, despite not being anywhere near petrol. Sometimes you like to shave with a hunting knife, just because you can, and you probably like to go out to the woods and fight bears. Not because you dislike them, but because you want to earn their trust. You can probably fly helicopters too, fuck i want to buy you a beer right now. You magnificent beast.
Mostly B's. You're scum. Hate to break it to ya son, but you're worthless. You have nothing to offer society and should really just stop breeding. After all, do we really need any more illiterate car theives? Though if by some black magic or other you're actually reading this, even if you're mouthing the words, there may be hope. Buy a suit. Stop saying "lad" because you are NOT Optimus Prime. Your friends? fuck 'em. I'm giving you an out here, offering you a hand. They might find this, they probably won't but if they do? Yeah i'll help them too. Walk into the Jobcentre and tell them you are looking for work and you WILL take anything. You're not scared of hard work anymore, you're primed. You're ready. You're fucking dumb, but there might be a use for you other than wall insulation. Read a fucking book once in a while, stop listening to anything with a rapper and have some fucking self respect.
Remember i said before there are no "wrong" answers? I lied, you yourself are a wong answer to a rhetorical question. There's hope of course, but it fades every day you maintain this behaviour.
Mostly C's You are a midedle aged woman, how in the name of godly jism did you end up here? Kudos to you though, you've got tenacity. And you probably know what Tenacity means. You probably noticed that my grammar isn't amazing either. Well guess what? This man makes his own grammar. And that shit is MANLY.
I hope this enriched your lives.
1. You would define respect as:
A) "I see that my flatmate has bought bacon. I sure could use a bacon sandwich, i'll ask if it's cool if i have some".
B) "That bloke on the street i just saw called me an arsehole after i repeatedly shouted abuse at him and his girlfriend. This is a Disrespect and i must rectify this."
C)"I would describe respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."
2. After a long and tiresome day, you stop by the local Off License to pick up some drinks. You choose:
A) A few cans of Lager because, although you won't drink them all, one of your friends might call over and it's always nice to offer them a beer.
B) White cider. It's cheap and gets you wrecked.
C) Maybe a bottle of wine, rose' or something.
3. You own a games console. Which one? And which games are you looking forward to?
A) You own a PS3 or XBOX 360. You're looking forward to playing the new Metal Gear, Arkham city and Assassin's Creed.
B) You own a ps2 or at a push a 360 and you only really play fifa or UFC. You await the new need for speed games with huge enthusiasm but think GTA is a bit cerebral and dont like the jokes.
C) you own a wii/Nintendo DS and you just cant wait to play.... I don't know, whatever shit they make for those non-soles.
4. You hear your mobile ringing, what type of mobile is it, and who is calling?
A) It's a nice new phone you have on contract. It has a touchscreen/qwerty keyboard and a really nice camera. You spend too much time messing with apps on it though. It's one of your friends or family calling to ask what you're up to later or just checking in.
B) Someone gave me this phone. honest. Who's calling? er... duno. It's an alright phone like but i had to get it unlocked coz it stopped working a couple of hours after i got it.
C) it's a pay as you go one but i only stick ten pounds a year on it and only use it in an emergency. They're so expensive!
5. The last album you bought was?
A) I don't pay for music. The last piece of music i paid for was a charity single by Radiohead. Before that some obscure alternative group. The last thing i downloaded was a shitload of Rolling Stones albums, they're boss but it's not like Mick Jagger needs the money now is it?
B) A ringtone of that J-Lo Lambada abortion. Other than that you get your mate to do you a cd of pleasure rooms stuff or whatever identikit hip-hop foetus is popular this fucking week. Are you picking up a pattern here? No, you're not you fucking cretin.
C) That Susan boyle one, stop being shocked at what i said at the end of that last option. You're no less wretched.
6. You go shopping. Where?
A) Asda or tesco, they're both pretty cheap but you can get some nice stuff and a man can't live on readymeals. Gotta cook once in a while, because if you can cook you can impress. And impressing girls gets you places.
B) Iceland. I like them things they do for a quid but usually i'll have chippy or somethin.
C) I usually order from Acado and only buy organic, it's just better.
7. You have a date, who with and where do you go?
A) To a nice bar, no idiots and a decent vibe, sometimes they have bands on and they do food as well so if you get there early you can grab something. Don't want it too formal. I met her through a friend of mine, she's pretty awesome.
B) Met this bird who used to go out with me mate. probably go round hers coz shes got the kids. im gonna bring vodka though.
C) a meal at an expensive restaurant followed by yachting.
END OF QUIZ. NOW PREPARE FOR JUDGEMENT.
Mostly A's: You are like me, so therefore pretty awesome. You're a big hit with the ladies and own a nice phone, you're kick-ass at videogames and have impeccable taste, a massive penis and can benchpress many times your own size. You are a god among men, and likely have the faint fragrance of petrol about your person, despite not being anywhere near petrol. Sometimes you like to shave with a hunting knife, just because you can, and you probably like to go out to the woods and fight bears. Not because you dislike them, but because you want to earn their trust. You can probably fly helicopters too, fuck i want to buy you a beer right now. You magnificent beast.
Mostly B's. You're scum. Hate to break it to ya son, but you're worthless. You have nothing to offer society and should really just stop breeding. After all, do we really need any more illiterate car theives? Though if by some black magic or other you're actually reading this, even if you're mouthing the words, there may be hope. Buy a suit. Stop saying "lad" because you are NOT Optimus Prime. Your friends? fuck 'em. I'm giving you an out here, offering you a hand. They might find this, they probably won't but if they do? Yeah i'll help them too. Walk into the Jobcentre and tell them you are looking for work and you WILL take anything. You're not scared of hard work anymore, you're primed. You're ready. You're fucking dumb, but there might be a use for you other than wall insulation. Read a fucking book once in a while, stop listening to anything with a rapper and have some fucking self respect.
Remember i said before there are no "wrong" answers? I lied, you yourself are a wong answer to a rhetorical question. There's hope of course, but it fades every day you maintain this behaviour.
Mostly C's You are a midedle aged woman, how in the name of godly jism did you end up here? Kudos to you though, you've got tenacity. And you probably know what Tenacity means. You probably noticed that my grammar isn't amazing either. Well guess what? This man makes his own grammar. And that shit is MANLY.
I hope this enriched your lives.
Monday 25 April 2011
I AM GOING TO SHOVE THE ENTIRE GAMING INDUSTRY UP YOUR "CASUAL" FUCKING ARSE. COCK.
Apparently Nintendo is about to unveil the successor to the wii this year. While i used to be a massive, MASSIVE Nintendo fan, my enthusiasm is a tad muted in the face of this announcement. Why? Well. Let me take your country ass back to 1990. It was christmas and my mum and dad, due to being awesome, had bought me the latest must have gadget for kids my age. I woke up on christmas morning and tore the paper off a brand spanking new gameboy. It was beige. It was the size of a brick. It had a screen the size of a 2 pound coin and it
ROCKED.
MY.
TINY.
WORLD.
I still have it. And here it is. In my hands.
Along with a mobile phone one third it's size which can record an hour of HD 720 video and carry god knows how many songs. It could fit the entire library of gameboy titles on it comfortably. Would i play games on it? nope. Can't be bothered, but you bet your arse i still bust out tetris and metroid 2 on the gameboy now and again.
Anyway after the gameboy i was given an NES the christmas after. the cartridges were MASSIVE! The games were massive too! I remember one birthday getting probotector (contra) and bill and ted's bogus journey on video. What a summer that was. Constantly hammering probotector, getting just a little further every time. I didn't know about the konami code because there was no internet, and i couldnt afford expensive magazines as a 10 year old kid. So what did i do? i tried, again and again, to beat the game. one day i did. I finally beat contra. Now i'll tell you that losing my virginity and ordering my first pint in a pub were great moments for me. The first time i got to see a lady buck nekkid, the time i found that porn behind the cinema in allerton. The first time i went to a gig on my own (wellm, with a few friends, blur- 1993 on the great escape tour in manchester, but i digress) but not one of those things can compare to the majesty of seeing an 8-bit helicopter fly away from an exploding island and seeing the congratulations screen telling me that i had just tore red falcon a new one. I still play it, i still love it and every time i hear people whine that it's too hard i think the same.
Man the fuck up.
And that is pretty much the whole point of this blog. Dara O'Brien is an excellent comedian and did this really funny bit on metal gear which had me in stitches, but he also said something along the lines of "games are the only medium where if you havent got enough skill you dont get to see the whole thing, if you go to see a film they dont throw you out halfway because you can't press a sequence of buttons". I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it.
Anyway i don't agree. Games are interactive entertainment but without challenge what is the point? That's like saying during the world cup finals the whole thing should be predetermined and scripted. What's the point? Tere is a level of interaction with games that should at least give you the illusion of controlling events. Whether that's managing to survive a gunfight in COD or managing to avoid tiny white missile dots in gradius. There is a point, there's something you're working toward and a sense of accomplishment in seeing an end sequence. If a game decides to just roll over and let you win then that sense of accomplishment is lost. I just got the S rank on level 5 of hard corps uprising. I did the 1st 3 lwevels without being hit. That is skill! Maybe you're impressed by that, maybe not. The thing is when i see the S rank medal and hear the voice say "A TRUE WARRIOR!" I'm punching the air and jumping up and down. Maybe thats a bit sad but it makes me very happy. I'm a gamer, its what i love doing.
Now with the release of the wii nintendow showed some visuals from Zelda, twilight princess and i was pretty much sold. My ex girlfriend loved the idea because of wii sports and that. I figured it would be a return to those glorious days spent in the jungles of god knows where twatting robots with a flamethrower.
I had a wii for 2 years. In those 2 years i bought 8 games.
I now have a PS3 and have owned that for 3 years. my trophy list has over 60 games on it. Now, is sony more catered towards my tastes? Perhaps. Does the PS3 have more choice. Certainly.
The wii was a dedicated games machine, and that is admirable. It didn't try to lure you in with bells and whistles and blurays and whatever. It just played games. Why, then, did nintendo decide to not concerntrate on it's incredibly popular franschises with the exception of mario? Where was kid icarus, where was a first party metroid title (not that the prime series was bad, far from it. one of my favourite gaming series ever). Where was starfox? I mean a starfox game with motion controls would have been immense!
The only games i really played on wii were old virtual console titles. These are titles i could easily find for nothing on the internet but due to a twisted loyalty to Nintendo i shelled out on starfox 64, super mario brothers, super contra and uper metroid etc. Every time i played them it just reminded me of what nintendo were doing wrong.
So now the wii 2 is coming out and i have a horrible feeling that it's going to be a huge let down. Another hannah montana horse trainer game that is bundled with a pink fucking console. Fuck them, you knwo what needs to be done? a dedicated games machine for "casual" gamers. The Man united fans of the gaming world. It will be a shitty box with an on and off button and voice recognition that straight up asks you what you want to play. If the pleb in front of it says "HERP A DERP I WUN PLEH MUSIC GAME" The machine opens a small tray with a plastic flute in it that the moron then proceeeds to slobber into while the fucking console blasts N*Dubz at them. No skill. just act like youre doing something. Want to beat the boss in "SUPERLOVELYFUMBLEGARDEN: FLOWERS AND SHERBERT EDITION"? Just wiggle a stick at the screen. The machine will tell the boss to just go home, no violence. oh no. Cant have that.
I want to release a fitness title that is just some random bloke screaming "GO FOR A WALK YOU FAT FUCK. IT'S SUNNY! GO ON! FUCK OFF OUT!".
Well it beats standing around with a fuckng balance board. cheaper and all.
And you know what this piece of shit casual bastard industry ruining smegma bucket will be called?
*sigh*
Yeah, thats right. An out loud sigh.
Go out and buy a fucking sigh because you just arent hardcore enough.
ROCKED.
MY.
TINY.
WORLD.
I still have it. And here it is. In my hands.
Along with a mobile phone one third it's size which can record an hour of HD 720 video and carry god knows how many songs. It could fit the entire library of gameboy titles on it comfortably. Would i play games on it? nope. Can't be bothered, but you bet your arse i still bust out tetris and metroid 2 on the gameboy now and again.
Anyway after the gameboy i was given an NES the christmas after. the cartridges were MASSIVE! The games were massive too! I remember one birthday getting probotector (contra) and bill and ted's bogus journey on video. What a summer that was. Constantly hammering probotector, getting just a little further every time. I didn't know about the konami code because there was no internet, and i couldnt afford expensive magazines as a 10 year old kid. So what did i do? i tried, again and again, to beat the game. one day i did. I finally beat contra. Now i'll tell you that losing my virginity and ordering my first pint in a pub were great moments for me. The first time i got to see a lady buck nekkid, the time i found that porn behind the cinema in allerton. The first time i went to a gig on my own (wellm, with a few friends, blur- 1993 on the great escape tour in manchester, but i digress) but not one of those things can compare to the majesty of seeing an 8-bit helicopter fly away from an exploding island and seeing the congratulations screen telling me that i had just tore red falcon a new one. I still play it, i still love it and every time i hear people whine that it's too hard i think the same.
Man the fuck up.
And that is pretty much the whole point of this blog. Dara O'Brien is an excellent comedian and did this really funny bit on metal gear which had me in stitches, but he also said something along the lines of "games are the only medium where if you havent got enough skill you dont get to see the whole thing, if you go to see a film they dont throw you out halfway because you can't press a sequence of buttons". I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it.
Anyway i don't agree. Games are interactive entertainment but without challenge what is the point? That's like saying during the world cup finals the whole thing should be predetermined and scripted. What's the point? Tere is a level of interaction with games that should at least give you the illusion of controlling events. Whether that's managing to survive a gunfight in COD or managing to avoid tiny white missile dots in gradius. There is a point, there's something you're working toward and a sense of accomplishment in seeing an end sequence. If a game decides to just roll over and let you win then that sense of accomplishment is lost. I just got the S rank on level 5 of hard corps uprising. I did the 1st 3 lwevels without being hit. That is skill! Maybe you're impressed by that, maybe not. The thing is when i see the S rank medal and hear the voice say "A TRUE WARRIOR!" I'm punching the air and jumping up and down. Maybe thats a bit sad but it makes me very happy. I'm a gamer, its what i love doing.
Now with the release of the wii nintendow showed some visuals from Zelda, twilight princess and i was pretty much sold. My ex girlfriend loved the idea because of wii sports and that. I figured it would be a return to those glorious days spent in the jungles of god knows where twatting robots with a flamethrower.
I had a wii for 2 years. In those 2 years i bought 8 games.
I now have a PS3 and have owned that for 3 years. my trophy list has over 60 games on it. Now, is sony more catered towards my tastes? Perhaps. Does the PS3 have more choice. Certainly.
The wii was a dedicated games machine, and that is admirable. It didn't try to lure you in with bells and whistles and blurays and whatever. It just played games. Why, then, did nintendo decide to not concerntrate on it's incredibly popular franschises with the exception of mario? Where was kid icarus, where was a first party metroid title (not that the prime series was bad, far from it. one of my favourite gaming series ever). Where was starfox? I mean a starfox game with motion controls would have been immense!
The only games i really played on wii were old virtual console titles. These are titles i could easily find for nothing on the internet but due to a twisted loyalty to Nintendo i shelled out on starfox 64, super mario brothers, super contra and uper metroid etc. Every time i played them it just reminded me of what nintendo were doing wrong.
So now the wii 2 is coming out and i have a horrible feeling that it's going to be a huge let down. Another hannah montana horse trainer game that is bundled with a pink fucking console. Fuck them, you knwo what needs to be done? a dedicated games machine for "casual" gamers. The Man united fans of the gaming world. It will be a shitty box with an on and off button and voice recognition that straight up asks you what you want to play. If the pleb in front of it says "HERP A DERP I WUN PLEH MUSIC GAME" The machine opens a small tray with a plastic flute in it that the moron then proceeeds to slobber into while the fucking console blasts N*Dubz at them. No skill. just act like youre doing something. Want to beat the boss in "SUPERLOVELYFUMBLEGARDEN: FLOWERS AND SHERBERT EDITION"? Just wiggle a stick at the screen. The machine will tell the boss to just go home, no violence. oh no. Cant have that.
I want to release a fitness title that is just some random bloke screaming "GO FOR A WALK YOU FAT FUCK. IT'S SUNNY! GO ON! FUCK OFF OUT!".
Well it beats standing around with a fuckng balance board. cheaper and all.
And you know what this piece of shit casual bastard industry ruining smegma bucket will be called?
*sigh*
Yeah, thats right. An out loud sigh.
Go out and buy a fucking sigh because you just arent hardcore enough.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
ZE OLYMPICS. LIKE THE SUPPORT BAND TO THE END OF THE WORLD. LET US BOTTLE THIS GARBAGE OFFSTAGE.
Ok so first of all i have little to no interest in sport. It involves neither beer or sharking to get laid so has no merit in my eyes.
Every four years the BBC give hours and hours of TV and radio coverage to sports that nobody has heard of, the whole world comes together to watch some tit from lowestoft wiggle their arse in a walking race. Walking is not a sport. Walking is what you do when travelling to the shop on a hungover sunday to purchase milk, fags and possibly a copy of the sunday sport (which has no sport but many half naked women, somethiing i can get behind).
Have you ever seen this shit in action? Seriously, people dedicate their lives to this:
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
She actually looks like a hooker in a hurry, which is a much better name than "racewalking" which sounds like some kind of charity supported by Lenny Henry.
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| Seen here as M. Bison in Shakespeare's Othello. |
Dressage. Which until now i believed to be a quantity of dresses, is actually a fucking wii game brought horribly to life. In short, a horse minces about with some tophatted gobshite burdening it then stops. That's it. Wear hat. Move horse. This is not a sport, it's a gesture.
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zKQgTiqhPbw?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
at one point one of the commentators in this video says "look how straight they are". No comment.
Apparently that was dramatic. 300 was dramatic. This is someone riding a horse. Zero drama, many hats. Not a sport. Next.
Here are some ideas for improving the olympics.
- Have it on a massive floating platform in the middle of the ocean, with no railings. That way nothing is safe. You want drama? You got it!
- Dressage, ping pong and mincing are out. Chainsaw fighting, men's freestyle punch ups and women's freestlye catfighting are in.
- THUNDERDOME
- Pie eating contests, i know its not a sport but neither is fucking ping pong.
- Sue barker out. Kelly brook in.
- Crucify adrian chiles on a massive cross made of license payer's frozen piss.
- For the ladies, the ever likeable and charming Ryan Reynolds.
- Women's competitive cosplay, why? Here's why.
For those of you now up on the term, in short here are the 2 opposing extremes of cosplay;
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| WINNING!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Ehhhhhh..... not so much. |
So now we have that out of the way (stop looking at cammy, i saw her first) we can move on to the most annoying thing about this utter shitparade. The Opening ceremony. We get a bunch of precocious little shits and parade them round a stadium in front of THE WHOLE WUUURRRLLLL because apparently the people of Darfur and Libya will probably down tools for a bit to watch some affulletics after seeing some grinning little shit piss about with a flag. Wonderful. "hey, remember when i had the ebola virus and watched some competitive walking? cleared it right up!". Seriously these ceremonies beggar belief. The closing one at the last one was odd enough. Jimmy Page appeared on the top of a bus and Liona Lewis murdered a Led Zeppelin song in front of THE WHOOLLLL WUUURRRLLL then Boris Johnson failed to wave a flag. Then people who were meant to represent british culture but were more like an eastern European Village People came out and danced a bit. Then, and i'm taking this as a quote:
"A handover of a treasured English football by a child of the world to a child of London that takes place by the bus -- a symbolic gesture reflecting the importance of friendship and young people to the Olympic Movement."
Okay. So one, London is in the world. I live in the world and i've been to London. It's nice, i liked it, and it is DEFINITELY in the world. So that kid who stole the football, wherever he was from, is the one who isn't on the world mate.
Secondly "the importance of friendship and young people to the olympic movement". Please come and form an orderly queue for me to kick you all in the fucking teeth.What a tepid, boring thing to say. This is sports! It's COMPETITIVE. You COMPETE in events to WIN. This statement makes it sound like a fucking 90's music video by arrested development. Hippie scum. This is why we need thunderdome.
I can't wait for these tourists to flood in to watch this garbage only to get knifed up by some horrid little chav in an alley somewhere. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of. Sarcasm, Xenophobia, Surreal humour, satire, binge drinking, casual drug use, teen pregnancy, poverty and bland food. That'll show the bastards! Come on world! bring your "children of the world" over here and unleash Jeremy Kyle's finest on 'em! Let's 'ave it!
I'm going to introduce hooliganism to the olympics. I'm going to get monumentally drunk, paint myself with the St George's flag and scream EEEENGERLUUUUNNNNN at the opening ceremony then throw bottles of napalm at the international fuckwits who turn up to bellend it up for half an hour while taxpayers money goes up in a shitload of fireworks. That's right, i work in a job i hate and pay taxes for this shit. I should be represented. Fuck you, world. You're in my house now and i make the rules.
And you know what? if a couple of hundred people did turn up and act like that i would give them medals. They're doing more for this country by showing this garbage up for what it is than sitting at home blogging about it. I'm serious here. I hate the attitude behind the olympics. The people who organize it, the sports themselves. The slogans, the 50 grand logos. Boris Johnson. All of it. Call it all off and let's just spend the money on one massive pissup. Why? Here's why.
Monday 7 March 2011
BEFORE READING THIS YOU REALY SHOULD CLICK THE LINK BELOW
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDSK91mUNLU |
So. Mika here thinks that "big girls are beautiful". Well as far as the girls in the video go some are ok. After a stylist, makeup artist and several post production folks have had a good tinker with you.
Thing is, this prick is telling every lardy twat in the country that they're just fucking fine and dandy as they are. Jamie Oliver dies for your sins and this is how you repay him!?!?
I could write a book about what is wrong with this situation but i'll settle for a blog post. Now, first of all i'm not using the word big. Lets call a spade a spade here. Fat. Yes, fat. That's right. Fat girls you are apparently beautiful. According to one man who would absolutely never even think of sleeping with you.
Sorry to burst your bubble but the fact is Mika is very, very gay indeed and would never even entertain the thought of being anything other than a friend to you.
So on a typical night out wiht Mika you could expect to be chated up by some labourer from Bolton or something. Yay, go you! Fatty done pulled a retard! Well done. I hope you're happy together.
A far more likely scenario is that you will sit there with Mika and watch men stay away in their droves, thats ok though! You're only out with your friend who understands you as a woman and sees you for who you are. Regardless of size. He'll get a call after a couple of hours and go see his "friend" but that's cool. You had a good night, you go home and sleep it off and you know what? It's all ok because he loves you for who you are and you're happy with your size. 20 or otherwise.
So you turn on the TV at home, and what comes on but that advert you like. You know? The diet coke one, where that gorgeous bloke comes and takes his top off! Ooh he's lovely isn't he? He's not there this time though. No, it's Eamonn Holmes.
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| He's not even that fat, but would you go round singing "average bloke, you are wonderful"? would you fuck. |
Eamonn is standing there topless while these Bridget Jones types leer at him and give themselves in to a sexual frenzy. Still finding this cheeky, sexy, funny? No, no youre not. Why's this? Well because you just got fucking SERVED, thats why!
Eamonn Holmes isn't even that fat, hes not massive, hes thouroughly averaged really for a middle aged man. Who is going round singing his praises? Do we have some woman singing a catchy disco-pop tune while a hundred husky but unremarkable middle aged men mince down some stairs behind them? No!
I've a couple of theories about why this is and the first one is that men just don't care. You know why? No, it's not because men are stupid, you could NOT be further from the truth. It's because men do not care about this trivial shit due to the fact that we are too busy trying to improve ourselves and everything else. Yes, you read that right. Real men don't get involved in this superficial shit due to the fact that we are all too busy doing a job, or trying to make something of ourselves for our families, or to attract someone to start a family with. Granted we do attempt to scrub up when we need to but we don't need a fucking pop singer to tell us that we have permission to do so. Most men's attitude goes something like "why are you singing about me? because i'm AWESOME? Well i knew that already, fuck off!".
Thats how we think because thats how we're MEANT to think.
The second theory is that the men who do need this positive reassurance are so ashamed of it that they do not want anyone drawing attention to this fact, well this isnt something i can help with too much except to say that if that is you, then just do everything you can to sort that shit out. I used to be a right fat bastard myself, i lost weight and it wasnt easy but i did it. I'm not skinny now by any means but you know what? I have a lot of self confidence because i know i'm a really god guy and i have a lot to be proud of. If you don't see that yourself then you're just not looking hard enough. Seriously, fucking internet fives.
So here comes the main points, the main one being that if you're reading this and you're a woman are you so insecure that you need some idiot to write a song to say you're ok? Do you fuck, what you need is to look in a mirror and say that maybe youre not megan fox, and maybe you're not perfect, but you will never need anyone to validate you as a person. You're doing ok, and as long as you accept that you're not perfect, but you could be a hell of a lot worse, then you don't need anyone to patronize you! Does the media stick size zero models everywhere? So what? Do you think i reckon i'll ever get a girl who looks like Natalie Portman? Do you think i want to? Hell no! As long as you give me a boner and are fun to hang out with we're fine!
Give yourself a break, its stupid to think that this is what's excpected of you!
Anyway what im saying is just be happy and that you have every right to be confident and happy. It's a symptom of something very wrong when Mika has to write shit like that song, it's not your fault and you should sort yourself out if you're unhealthy, but if you can be happy then don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
FUCK YEAH. MAN THOUGHTS.
Sunday 27 February 2011
TAKE ME OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
I am currently sat on the couch in the living room and as i type my friends are watching take me out. This show is ITV's latest salvo in the war against dignity and a very good argument for a Khmer Rouge style fascist genocide.
There is currently something resembling a particularly rubbish female drag king attempting to look like Preston From the ordainary boys running like a woman and begging to be loved by what looks like a friday night in fucking Cardiff. This is apparently entertaining because the studio audience seem to make screeching noises everytime Paddy McGuinness opens his stupid, northern wordhole. After choosing whatever bastion of feminism decides that Preston is worthy of sniffing their taint they are summarily packed off to some tropical paradise so they can sit outside eating in the wind and go surfing or something. All the time having conversations which would make Noel Coward implode with jealousy. Why do we want to see some povvy gobshite and some pointless little woman that has marginally less personality than a parsnip frolic about in the sun? We're sat in england miserable, cold and cynical. There is no reason to live vicariously through people who i would probably poke with a stick rather than talk to. I would be more likely to study their habits than fuck them.
The newest prole to beg for sex after arriving down the failtube is a scottish italian man who runs a chippy. Wonderful. He then proceeds to make pizza and say the words "spicy sausage" in a way that one of the harridans find amusing. It is then revealed that one of the girls still in the running to bone this knobjockey once "snogged a professional footballer". This is revealed by McGuinness in a manner that suggests that this woman had located a cure for cancer and created cold fusion in the same day. This pretty much sums up the entire show.
Another theme of the show is of a young welsh girl named Lucy. Lucy is a cute, pretty young lady who seems harmless and friendly even if she's not a bastion of intelligence. She actually seems like a nice person and someone even i would have a problem slagging off. Needless to say Lucy has been on this shitpile since records began and has yet to be chosen by any of the gurning fuckwits who grace the glittering floor of this sheer dickery.
The thing that baffles me most about this show, apart from the deification of stupidity, the cheapness of the whole thing, the speed dating on speed format, PADDY FUCKING MCGUINNESS (a man so devoid of any personality that if we put him in the LHC he would more than likely fuck the entire universe then start on any multiverses that may or may not exist, therefore absorbing us into him and rendering hell a vile, horrible reality), and the girls who with few exceptions make a tremendous argument for misogyny, that totally baffles me, is that a lot of my friends love this. Even some of the most intelligent people i know watch this every weekend without fail. To be honest i feel a bit left out. I bloody hate it. Maybe i'm just too cynical or jaded but the fact is i find this impossible to enjoy. Anyway if you read this far then well done. here is a picture.
There is currently something resembling a particularly rubbish female drag king attempting to look like Preston From the ordainary boys running like a woman and begging to be loved by what looks like a friday night in fucking Cardiff. This is apparently entertaining because the studio audience seem to make screeching noises everytime Paddy McGuinness opens his stupid, northern wordhole. After choosing whatever bastion of feminism decides that Preston is worthy of sniffing their taint they are summarily packed off to some tropical paradise so they can sit outside eating in the wind and go surfing or something. All the time having conversations which would make Noel Coward implode with jealousy. Why do we want to see some povvy gobshite and some pointless little woman that has marginally less personality than a parsnip frolic about in the sun? We're sat in england miserable, cold and cynical. There is no reason to live vicariously through people who i would probably poke with a stick rather than talk to. I would be more likely to study their habits than fuck them.
The newest prole to beg for sex after arriving down the failtube is a scottish italian man who runs a chippy. Wonderful. He then proceeds to make pizza and say the words "spicy sausage" in a way that one of the harridans find amusing. It is then revealed that one of the girls still in the running to bone this knobjockey once "snogged a professional footballer". This is revealed by McGuinness in a manner that suggests that this woman had located a cure for cancer and created cold fusion in the same day. This pretty much sums up the entire show.
Another theme of the show is of a young welsh girl named Lucy. Lucy is a cute, pretty young lady who seems harmless and friendly even if she's not a bastion of intelligence. She actually seems like a nice person and someone even i would have a problem slagging off. Needless to say Lucy has been on this shitpile since records began and has yet to be chosen by any of the gurning fuckwits who grace the glittering floor of this sheer dickery.
The thing that baffles me most about this show, apart from the deification of stupidity, the cheapness of the whole thing, the speed dating on speed format, PADDY FUCKING MCGUINNESS (a man so devoid of any personality that if we put him in the LHC he would more than likely fuck the entire universe then start on any multiverses that may or may not exist, therefore absorbing us into him and rendering hell a vile, horrible reality), and the girls who with few exceptions make a tremendous argument for misogyny, that totally baffles me, is that a lot of my friends love this. Even some of the most intelligent people i know watch this every weekend without fail. To be honest i feel a bit left out. I bloody hate it. Maybe i'm just too cynical or jaded but the fact is i find this impossible to enjoy. Anyway if you read this far then well done. here is a picture.
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| BASTARD. |
Thursday 24 February 2011
TODAY WAS A DAY OF GAMES. THE GAMES I PLAYED ARE DISPLAYED BEFORE EE.
One.
Are you female? If so are you reading this? why are you reading this? Are you skinny? are you pale? have you little to no self esteem? Do people find you a bit stupid? Do you wear glasses and go out with your friends who you believe are much better looking than you? Do they get hit on by scally bellends while you sit in the corner waiting, hoping, for a real man... a gentleman even.... to come and chase the clouds away from your life. To make it all ok, to feel a certain closeness with, to curl up on the couch in your jammies with and watch bridget jones with while drinking a bottle of that nice wine you found in asda for about 7 quid? Do you want to spend saturday night poised in front of x factor with this guy, knowing he will always care for you no matter what? That he loves you unconditionally and that come hell or high water, he would crawl through broken glass just to make you smile?
I used to be that guy. Now i'm not. Go fuck yourself you nasty walking trap.
Two.
TODAY GAMES WERE DEVISED WHILST WORKING ON MAH JOB. GAME THE FIRST. IT IS A PENIS GAME. YOU REPLACE ONE WORD OF A MOVIE, ALBUM OR VIDEO GAME TITLE WITH THE WORD PENIS. HERE BE EXAMPLES.
Right so thats what i did today, a friend and i also sang the subtitles of the jeremy kyle show opera style lending a more highbrow air to proceedings. that was a laugh that.
Later peeps.
Are you female? If so are you reading this? why are you reading this? Are you skinny? are you pale? have you little to no self esteem? Do people find you a bit stupid? Do you wear glasses and go out with your friends who you believe are much better looking than you? Do they get hit on by scally bellends while you sit in the corner waiting, hoping, for a real man... a gentleman even.... to come and chase the clouds away from your life. To make it all ok, to feel a certain closeness with, to curl up on the couch in your jammies with and watch bridget jones with while drinking a bottle of that nice wine you found in asda for about 7 quid? Do you want to spend saturday night poised in front of x factor with this guy, knowing he will always care for you no matter what? That he loves you unconditionally and that come hell or high water, he would crawl through broken glass just to make you smile?
I used to be that guy. Now i'm not. Go fuck yourself you nasty walking trap.
Two.
TODAY GAMES WERE DEVISED WHILST WORKING ON MAH JOB. GAME THE FIRST. IT IS A PENIS GAME. YOU REPLACE ONE WORD OF A MOVIE, ALBUM OR VIDEO GAME TITLE WITH THE WORD PENIS. HERE BE EXAMPLES.
- Pirates of the carribean: The curse of the black penis.
- Don't tell mom he babysitter's penis.
- Bill and Ted's Bogus Penis.
- Mary Shelley's Penis
- Star Wars episode 1; the phantom penis
- City Slickers 2; the legend of curly's penis.
- Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the Crystal Penis
- one flew over the cookoo's penis
- full metal penis
- it's a wonderful penis
- penis of arabia
- requiem for a penis
- eternal sunshine of the spotless penis
- penis cassidy and the sundance kid
- let the right penis in
Right so thats what i did today, a friend and i also sang the subtitles of the jeremy kyle show opera style lending a more highbrow air to proceedings. that was a laugh that.
Later peeps.
Sunday 20 February 2011
MUSIC FESTIVAL DIATRIBE
I hate the very idea of music festivals. I tend to look at the bill, think "oh, i like three of those bands. Now i will pay 200 quid and buy some camping gear, and some festival worthy clothing. Then arrange to get to this event. Then book time off work to go to this event....." then i give up and go listen to the album because chances are the band i do like sound shite live anyway.
Why do they bother with rap acts? Nobody likes "urban" music at these festivals. They have money for tickets and urban swill is for poor people. You're not very ghetto if you attend a private school and your mum and dad have bought you a fucking flat in hoxton. You're a bellend trying to be something you're not. I'm a complete bastard. I know this, i don't pretend otherwise. STOP PRETENDING TO LIKE RAP. NOW.
It always makes me chuckle when music festivals have some random "world music" act on that NOT. ONE. FUCKER. likes and they stand there grinning hitting a bin and chanting for half an hour. Like that bloody youssou n'dour bloke at live 8. who the fuck came to see him? Bollocks to that. "oh pink floyd have reformed but i'm here to see that bloke who sang with neneh cherry many years ago on one song". Not bloody likely. Not even people on drugs like this shit. Fuck world music. You know what's awesome? British, american and norwegian music. That's why the rest of it is called world music. It's like when we call thick kids "special". Theyre just fuck stupid but if we dress it up a bit they may not take to constant weeping due to them being dealt such a shit hand in life. Therefore world music is made exclusively by retarded children. And Peter Gabriel.
What's worse than the lineup? Why your fellow festival goers of course! There's the dreadlocked wanker doing poy because he's oh-so-fucking free spirited. The bellend who has been coming to the same bastard festival for 30 years now and has brought his monumentally irritating family along so they can all watch fucking hawkwind. The knobhead wearing the tshirt from the 1987 event that he wears EVERY FUCKING YEAR. The posh as fuck little Tarquins who refer to Glastonbury as "Glarr-sters" who should be summarily rounded up and gassed. The misguided fuckwits abound, meaning the likes of you and i (well, maybe you, i mean you might be reading this all annoyed now with wisps of steam flowing krakatoa-like from your ears. In that case, fuck off. Because really i do mean most of this post. I know i'm just trying to be funny most of the time but this time i'm being selfish and actually writing something i'm quite honest about. Except the retarded kids part. There's nothing funny about sick kids) can't enjoy seeing a load of bands.
Camping. Thats shit. I know, i'll leave the comfort of my home for three days to sleep under some very thin material while a spontaneous drum circle occurs for eight bastard hours. Fuck off. I'll shit in your drums then make you wear them like a fucking barrell. Parading your shit-festooned, horrid little barrellself around the whole fucking country with "DRUM CUNT" carved into your forehead. Bastard hippies. no, here's what will happen. I'll stay home and you can put up with paloma faith playing freeform jazz with some homeless cubans who can only play one stringed zithers and hit pans.
I'm actually going to bed now because i may die from rage. Goodnight you sexy, sexy people.
Why do they bother with rap acts? Nobody likes "urban" music at these festivals. They have money for tickets and urban swill is for poor people. You're not very ghetto if you attend a private school and your mum and dad have bought you a fucking flat in hoxton. You're a bellend trying to be something you're not. I'm a complete bastard. I know this, i don't pretend otherwise. STOP PRETENDING TO LIKE RAP. NOW.
It always makes me chuckle when music festivals have some random "world music" act on that NOT. ONE. FUCKER. likes and they stand there grinning hitting a bin and chanting for half an hour. Like that bloody youssou n'dour bloke at live 8. who the fuck came to see him? Bollocks to that. "oh pink floyd have reformed but i'm here to see that bloke who sang with neneh cherry many years ago on one song". Not bloody likely. Not even people on drugs like this shit. Fuck world music. You know what's awesome? British, american and norwegian music. That's why the rest of it is called world music. It's like when we call thick kids "special". Theyre just fuck stupid but if we dress it up a bit they may not take to constant weeping due to them being dealt such a shit hand in life. Therefore world music is made exclusively by retarded children. And Peter Gabriel.
What's worse than the lineup? Why your fellow festival goers of course! There's the dreadlocked wanker doing poy because he's oh-so-fucking free spirited. The bellend who has been coming to the same bastard festival for 30 years now and has brought his monumentally irritating family along so they can all watch fucking hawkwind. The knobhead wearing the tshirt from the 1987 event that he wears EVERY FUCKING YEAR. The posh as fuck little Tarquins who refer to Glastonbury as "Glarr-sters" who should be summarily rounded up and gassed. The misguided fuckwits abound, meaning the likes of you and i (well, maybe you, i mean you might be reading this all annoyed now with wisps of steam flowing krakatoa-like from your ears. In that case, fuck off. Because really i do mean most of this post. I know i'm just trying to be funny most of the time but this time i'm being selfish and actually writing something i'm quite honest about. Except the retarded kids part. There's nothing funny about sick kids) can't enjoy seeing a load of bands.
Camping. Thats shit. I know, i'll leave the comfort of my home for three days to sleep under some very thin material while a spontaneous drum circle occurs for eight bastard hours. Fuck off. I'll shit in your drums then make you wear them like a fucking barrell. Parading your shit-festooned, horrid little barrellself around the whole fucking country with "DRUM CUNT" carved into your forehead. Bastard hippies. no, here's what will happen. I'll stay home and you can put up with paloma faith playing freeform jazz with some homeless cubans who can only play one stringed zithers and hit pans.
I'm actually going to bed now because i may die from rage. Goodnight you sexy, sexy people.
Sunday 13 February 2011
I AM WASTED THIS BLOG HAS NO PICTURES YEAH DEVIL
THIS BLOG POST SHALL BE ALL IN BOLD I HAVE DECIDED. I SPOKE TO SOMEONE TODAY AND YES I HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER IN BOLD BUT YES IT IS IN CAPS. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? I SINCERELY HOPE IT IS YOU HARD TO PLEASE FUCKERS. I LONG FOR NOISE. NOT STRUCTURED MUSIC BUT SOME GUTTURAL SNARLING WEIRDNESS. STRUCTURE IS NICE AND HAS ITS PLACE BUT WHAT I WANT IS SOME CHAOTIC BUSINESS. I HAVE BECKS, BECKS IS GOOD. NOT BECHAME THE BALL KICKER BUT BECKS THE BEER. IT SHALL BE MY DOWNFALL AND I KNOW THAT. KNOW WHAT THOUGH? *STEPS DOWN OFF STOOL AND THROWS MIC AT CHILD* I DONT CARE! LESS SHITS GIVEN AT A CONSTIPATION SUPPORT GROUP IN FIBREVILLE. I GOT A BUS TODAY. WELL I GOT 3 ACTUALLY BUT THEY WERE ALL SHIT. WIRRAL HAS NICE SEATS THOUGH, THEYRE GOOD FOR THE ARSE THEY ARE. I LIKE WOMEN BUT THEY SEEM TO ANNOY ME TOO. I AM CONSIDERING WRITING SEXIST SONGS NOW. NOT BAD SNGS BUT BLATANTLY SEXIST ONES. WHATS WRONG WITH BEING SEXY? NOTHING BUT I DIDNT MEAN THAT. MISTER BEAN? COCK, TOTAL COCK. I HATE THAT GUY. IF THATS WHAT FOREIGN PEOPLE THINK OF ENGLAND THEN I SAY WE TURN THE WHOLE PLACE INTO A CAR PARK NOW. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS A TOTAL COCK? HITLER. IF HE WAS HERE I'D PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE. SLAP THE AUSTRIAN OUTTA HIS SELF IF YA GIT MEH. I LIKE NIRVANA AGAIN. I DONT KNOW IF THAT MEANS I AM REGRESSING TO SOME SORT OF AWKWARD TEENAGE THING BECAUSE IM HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE BUT HEY, LETS TAKE BETS. YOU KNOW WHEN I DIE, RIGHT? I WANT "HERE LIES GRAHAM "AWESOMESAUCE" CAMMACK. HE DIED OF THE GUSH. HE WAS INVINCIBLE BUT HES WELL DEAD THIS FELLA" ON MY TOMBSTONE. I'M SICK OF HEARING "OH ITS WHAT HE/SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED" FROM PEOPLE AFTER DEATHS. ITS SHIT. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? CAN YOU TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE? NO. NOT EVEN BRUCE WILLIS CAN TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE YOU PRETENTIOUS SHIT. NOW I REALISE THAT THIS IS ONE LONG PARAGRAPH AND THAT MOST OF YOU WILL NOT READ THIS SO IM GOING TO STICK A PICTURE OF A SAUCY LADY HERE TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.
SEE. I DELIVERED. I FIRST GOOGLED SAUCY LADY BUT GOT SOME MAD LOOKING BIRD SO FUCKED THAT OFF. THEN I GOOGLED SHITTY PORN. DONT EVER GOOGLE THAT. SERIOUSLY. IT'S WAY TOO LITERAL. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THE JAPANESE AND OCTOPI? THEYRE AN ODD BUNCH THEM BUT I LIKE EM JHUST THE SAME AS THEY MAKE THINGS. IF YOU SEE MADE IN JAPAN ON SOMETHING ITS LIKE A SEAL OF QUALITY. UNLIKE RECORDS BY SEAL WHICH ARE FREQUENTLY POOR QUALITY. I WOULD HAPPILY PUNCH THAT FUCKER. WHATS THAT NIRVANA SONG WHERE HE SAYS LIKE "HELP MEEEEE, IM FUCKING HUNGRY" CALLED? I LIKE THAT ONE. I MIGHT MAKE A WHOLE ALBUM WHAT SOUNDS LIKE THAT AND JUST GIVE IT AWAY TO EVERYONE LIKE THAT BASTARDS OF SOUND SHITE I DID. YOU KNOW WHY I CREATED BASTARDS OF SOUND? I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY PUT UP WITH MY SHIT. IM LIKE KANYE WEST IN THAT WAY BUT INSTEAD OF BEING LOADED IM ACTUALLY PRETTY BROKE. I COULD LOVE TO GET CLOSE TO TAYLOR SWIFT LIKE BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST HAVE A SMELL OF HER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SMELLS NICE HER. SHES SKINNY AND BLONDE AND LOOKS A BIT DIM. I LIKE GIRLS LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LIKE GIRLS LIKE? SOMEONE I WAS TALKING TO EARLIER WHO RECKONS SHE CAN BEAT ME AT POOL. SHE FUCKING CAN'T LIKE, I LET HER WIN A WHILE BACK AND SHE RECKONS SHES ALL THAT. SOUR NEWS MISS. I WAS FAKING. SHE THOUGHT I WAS EASY THAT ONE. I MEAN I AM LIKE BUT STILL. THIS IS PROBABLY THE SHITTEST BLOG POST IVE EVER DONE. BETTER THROW IN ANOTHER PICTURE.
LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS TIT. SHIRT BUTTONED UP? CHECK. GALLAGHER EYEBROWS? CHECK. SHIT HAIRCUT? CHECK. INFLATED SENSE OF SELF WORTH? FUCKING CHECK. I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HEAR THIS THING PLAY SONGS AND I CANT REMEMBER IT. PROBABLY BECAUSE SOME KIND OF RAPE VICTIM IVE DENIED IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT PAINTING BEHIND HIM IS SHIT AN ALL. YOUKNOW WHAT? EVERYTHING I DONT LIKE IS PROPER WANK. DISAGREE ALL YOU WANT BUT THE FACT IS I CAN ONLY EXPERIENCE THINGS SUBJECTVELY THROUGH MY OWN CONSCIENCE SO AS A RESULT OF THIS IT'S ENTIRELY FUCKING POSSIBLE YOU ONLY EXIST IN MY MIND, I HOPE NOT BECAUSE CHANCES ARE I QUITE LIKE YOU BUT I MEAN, IT MIGHT BE HAPPENNING. I'VE BEEN VEGETARIAN FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW. HOW BOSS IS THAT? IM WELL CHUFFED ME. IT'S 2.08 AM AND IM NOT EVEN TIRED. HOW SHIT IS THAT. IM OFF TO BED ANYWAY.
Saturday 12 February 2011
SHOWBIZ NEWS! I BRANCH OUT IN TEH BIDNISS OF SHOWS. SPOILER! IT'S ALL LIES.
HI THERE! I BUNKED OFF WORK TODAY AND HITCHHIKED DOWN TO LONDON TO PISS ABOUT LOOKING FOR SHOWBIZ NEWS. I FOUND SOME AND HERE IT IS.
Kerry Katona was in islington before, saw her in the street, stuffing her face with snack-a-jacks. Salt and vinegar ones. Dirty cow. She was with her new squeeze, captain pickyshits, he's off that advert where the kid wants to go do a dirty protest at pauls house. Twat.
Paul reckons that kid what keeps doing a shit at his house is a right little cunt and has started going round saying paul's dad is a bender. Paul's not happy about this and is after a straightner in the church hall car park at 6pm on tuesday. Pikey power are giving decent odds on this, i threw a tenner down on paul because seriously? If some little bastard kept coming and shitting in my house because my mum could afford fancy fucking air freshner i'd probably chin the little fucker an all. Anyway good luck Paul. You thuggish little scamp.
Paul's dad Says he's not a bender and anything captain pickyshits says about him is a load of bollocks caused by bog envy, right? I bumped into pauls dad outside some pub what was playing the scissor sisters at 2am and had a load of drag queens and that outside. Theyre a friendly lot them, god bless em. Anyway paul's dad says if you have a problem you can come and sort it out with him on hampstead heath anytime after ten, he says he'll wrestle the living shit out of you, yeah?
The ginger one out of girls allowed was in soho today dry humping a bloody bollard. Poor sod has lost it i reckon. She seemed pissed. Had half a bottle of frosty jacks in her primark handbag. Must be difficult being the least fit member of girls aloha, but cheer up minger! You could have been the ugly one out the spice girls, they looked like a fucking cardiff hen night after a fucking terrorist attack. Scrubbers.
Which premiership footballer is an overpaid oxygen theif with no more right to an opinion than a fucking goldfish, and half the intelligence? Mincing around a field with a woman's haircut that cost more than your house and tattoos that have about as much meaning as a fucking scooter record? Laughing at the fact that you, yes you, who go out and work your arse off for a living, have paid an extortionate fee to stand next to some gurning cunt who screams obscenities at officials in fornt of his inbred little kids for simply doing their jobs while smug commentators make remarks about young women that your grandad would call archaic, while it pisses down on a saturday afternoon at a stadium that may as well be in downtown fucking kabul? All of them. If you see one, chin it. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in panto this year despite several offers. "i done aladdin a few years back and i've never heard the end of it" the unfunny, lanky, goggle eyed, granny-bothering fucktard said.
Bruce willis is fucking excellent because he was in DIE HARD Which deserves to win the best film oscar every year until the oscars are replaced with MECHA-OSCARS in which case it'll still win.
THAT'S ALL THE SHOWBIZ NEWS FOLKS. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED IT. MEANWHILE SOME HORSES WERE BIZARRELY ELECTROCUTED AND THE PEOPLE OF EGYPT HAVE ACTUALLY BROUGHT DOWN A GOVERNMENT.
Kerry Katona was in islington before, saw her in the street, stuffing her face with snack-a-jacks. Salt and vinegar ones. Dirty cow. She was with her new squeeze, captain pickyshits, he's off that advert where the kid wants to go do a dirty protest at pauls house. Twat.
Paul reckons that kid what keeps doing a shit at his house is a right little cunt and has started going round saying paul's dad is a bender. Paul's not happy about this and is after a straightner in the church hall car park at 6pm on tuesday. Pikey power are giving decent odds on this, i threw a tenner down on paul because seriously? If some little bastard kept coming and shitting in my house because my mum could afford fancy fucking air freshner i'd probably chin the little fucker an all. Anyway good luck Paul. You thuggish little scamp.
Paul's dad Says he's not a bender and anything captain pickyshits says about him is a load of bollocks caused by bog envy, right? I bumped into pauls dad outside some pub what was playing the scissor sisters at 2am and had a load of drag queens and that outside. Theyre a friendly lot them, god bless em. Anyway paul's dad says if you have a problem you can come and sort it out with him on hampstead heath anytime after ten, he says he'll wrestle the living shit out of you, yeah?
The ginger one out of girls allowed was in soho today dry humping a bloody bollard. Poor sod has lost it i reckon. She seemed pissed. Had half a bottle of frosty jacks in her primark handbag. Must be difficult being the least fit member of girls aloha, but cheer up minger! You could have been the ugly one out the spice girls, they looked like a fucking cardiff hen night after a fucking terrorist attack. Scrubbers.
Which premiership footballer is an overpaid oxygen theif with no more right to an opinion than a fucking goldfish, and half the intelligence? Mincing around a field with a woman's haircut that cost more than your house and tattoos that have about as much meaning as a fucking scooter record? Laughing at the fact that you, yes you, who go out and work your arse off for a living, have paid an extortionate fee to stand next to some gurning cunt who screams obscenities at officials in fornt of his inbred little kids for simply doing their jobs while smug commentators make remarks about young women that your grandad would call archaic, while it pisses down on a saturday afternoon at a stadium that may as well be in downtown fucking kabul? All of them. If you see one, chin it. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in panto this year despite several offers. "i done aladdin a few years back and i've never heard the end of it" the unfunny, lanky, goggle eyed, granny-bothering fucktard said.
Bruce willis is fucking excellent because he was in DIE HARD Which deserves to win the best film oscar every year until the oscars are replaced with MECHA-OSCARS in which case it'll still win.
THAT'S ALL THE SHOWBIZ NEWS FOLKS. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED IT. MEANWHILE SOME HORSES WERE BIZARRELY ELECTROCUTED AND THE PEOPLE OF EGYPT HAVE ACTUALLY BROUGHT DOWN A GOVERNMENT.
Friday 11 February 2011
TEH COUNCIL. BASTARDS.
Director of Finance,
P.O Box No 2,
Birkenhead,
Wirral
CH41 6BU
11 Feb. 11
Dear Sir/Madam,
Following a conversation with one of your management staff at your office- as well as several prior conversations with your helpline- I have been advised to submit a letter for your attention.
In November 2010 I was in the unfortunate position of being unemployed. I submitted a claim online for both housing benefit and jobseekers allowance. These claims seem to have been lost in the ether of the World Wide Web, possibly lurking in some shady inbox, never to be seen again.
After a week without any kind of reply I submitted a claim by phone for jobseekers allowance and was asked if I had applied for housing benefit at the time. I replied that I had and was advised that this would still stand and would be dealt with by yourselves. Thinking all was well I concentrated on finding another job and thought nothing of it, believing that the claim was being dealt with. My landlord was, I must say, quite understanding about my situation. Being in a recession meant a lot of people were suffering and as we were both sure that the benefits system was working on quite a backlog we didn’t question any further.
I eventually had to sign on. Not a pleasant experience but a necessary one nonetheless. At the jobcentre I asked a third time if the housing benefit application was being processed. I was advised that yes, the application was pending and that I would hear something back soon. Christmas happened and I was beginning to worry. It had been a month since I had initially applied and my landlord was beginning to get anxious. I eventually called in to the one stop shop and was told that no application had been received. Despite being advised twice that it had. Obviously I was unhappy about this but as soon as possible I got all evidence I believed necessary to yourselves and requested that this be backdated. So far I have submitted;
- · A “letter of entitlement” from the jobcentre advising that I was in receipt of benefits and therefore entitled to claim housing benefit.
- · Bank statements for my current account.
- · A letter from my landlord outlining how much and how often my rent was to be paid.
- · A completed claim form for housing benefit which was filled out with help from one of the staff in the one stop shop.
All of this was handed in by the 17th January 2011. I commenced work at my current job on the 10th January so was unable to come and provide any more evidence in person after this date.
I received a letter dated the 31st January 2011 explaining that further evidence was required. If you check your records you will see that this letter states the following:
“I will require consecutive statements covering the last 2 months transactions for your second Lloyds TSB account”
Before handing this in I contacted your helpdesk to ask if this is all that was needed. Sadly not. There was one further requirement which presumably I had to guess for myself. I was to hand in proof that I applied for housing benefit at the same time as my initial claim for jobseekers allowance. The only problem is, I wasn’t told that at the time. Instead I was advised that a letter detailing my total claim for jobseeker’s allowance would be sufficient.
Acting in good faith I dispatched a friend the very same day I received the letter (the 3rd of February which- by a startling coincidence- was the deadline for you to receive these documentation. Anyone would think this was meant to be difficult.) To the one stop shop to hand in these documents and bring this whole sorry mess to a close.
I called later that day to make sure the documents were received and was told that they were. I put my feet up and enjoyed a really nice weekend.
Monday arrived and I thought I’d check up on things, as it had all gone so smoothly before. Sadly the letter that I had submitted from the jobcentre outlining my jobseeker’s claim was unacceptable. This was a shame as it had been so clearly asked for in your letter of the 31st January. I am genuinely sorry for the manner in which I spoke to the poor lady on the phone after that, as she was only doing her job. Sadly she was on the receiving end of a situation that should never have happened in the first place.
On Wednesday the 9th February I called the jobcentre again to obtain this letter and was subjected to the type of efficient, friendly customer service that would only be expected in the second layer of hell. As my next day off was on Friday the 11th I asked for this letter to be issued first class so I could come to the one stop shop in person and hand in the letter myself so I could finally- over a month later- pay my rent.
The letter did not arrive. It turns out the member of staff had not only not issued the letter but had decided that the data protection act didn’t apply to her and that she could not only access peoples information on the DWP’s computer systems but also not leave notes on them so she could not be traced. This is the subject of a complaint which I am not very happy about but I feel merits a mention as part of the broader picture of quite baffling treatment that the DWP seem to think is acceptable.
After spending a large part of my day off on the phone to both yourselves and the jobcentre I was informed that they would check a recording of my initial claim for JSA to find out if I had asked about housing benefit. This should be with me Monday the 14th February.
I was also informed by the jobcentre that housing benefit is not linked to jobseekers allowance and that if someone is on an income of under £98 a week then they will automatically qualify for housing benefit. This being the case I can only wonder why I was asked to provide this letter from the jobcentre (I know it’s probably hard to keep up, this thing makes inception look like some godawful romcom in terms of being complicated) stating that I did actually apply for housing benefit when I initially claimed JSA. Quite simply, no such letter exists. It is something that the jobcentre do. Not. Provide.
This being the case I feel that I have provided all documentation I have been asked for. I have put myself out obtaining this documentation when I have only just started a new job in the first place so I don’t have to claim any benefits anymore because- as insane as this may seem- I don’t really like claiming them! At every turn I have been greeted with an attitude that suggests that nobody communicates with each other and that my claim is being delayed as much as humanly possible.
I really would like to bring this whole sorry mess to a close, I don’t particularly like corresponding with your department and I’m sure you could do without sarcastic letters and angry phone call. If you would be so kind as to pay the backdated benefit from the 7th of December then I would really appreciate it.
Yours sincerely,
MAN THOUGHTS
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