BIT MORE SERIOUS THIS TIME, STILL LOADED WITH TWATTERY

A friend of mine *ahem* worked for a company until recently. It was a call centre job but hey, we can't all be scientists. Anyway they started in January 2011 and were told that this particular call centre served as sort of helpdesk for old folks who had recently switched their tv service to freeview or freesat. They also signed people who were elgible for help from the government up for an installation and some equipment. You might have seen the ads with the little android thing.

Anyway this seemed like an ok job. Talk to the oldies, knuckle down and try to get a permanent contract, you know the deal. The training had a large emphasis on making the most of a bad situation. To the degree that an entire half hour was devoted to watching some men in seattle flinging dead fish about and loving it. They were obviously on drugs. Really? Alarm bells should have rang, but didn't. After all he had been told the job was 9-5 Monday to Friday. Easy. There was even overtime if needed. The wage was shocking. A pathetic £6 an hour, but hey, in the current job market even having a job is a result.

So my friend ploughed on through training and thought that this seemed a pretty easy not great, but not the worst in the world. That opinion would soon change. During the first couple of weeks he was treated to abuse from customers, a vile attitude from his management and conditions which bordered on illegal.
For example: When you work in a call centre it is widely accepted that you have to take a break every 15 minutes to avoid fatigue. Staring at a computer all day is damaging to the eyes (yeah, says me). So taking a break for even five minutes or so is a necessity. This was not allowed. Infact, staff were permitted to take a total of one hour's break per day. Even on 12 hour shifts. Two ten-minute breaks and one 40-minute break for lunch. This was unpaid, and- considering the layout of the office- if you wanted to go outside it was impossible to get from the fith floor to the ground floor and back in under 7 minutes. There was one lift which held six people. There were over 300 people in that building at any one time and about 50 or so on breaks. This made it impossible to adhere to break times unless you simply sat on the stairwell for a few minutes then returned to your desk.

It's worth mentioning at this time that although he was working for this company, his actual employer was an agency. This agency treated their staff with the respect that a typical youtube commenter treats the english language. You're sick? well don't excpect anything but more grief there. One colleague of his was dismissed for atending a close relative's funeral. Yeah, you read that right. On top of that this agency would pull every trick in the book to screw you out of money. For TWO ENTIRE MONTHS my *ahem* friend's wages were short. A running battle took place to have a day's holiday paid which he was entitled to, but the agency tried to squirm out of for a myriad of reasons.
When you work for such a small wage, every peny counts. You were paid weekly in this place, and a mistake of a few hours could mean you couldn't pay rent. So upon calling the agency to report their mistake, you would routinely be told that it would be rectified next week. In the meantime, tough shit.
You work for this company? You are a number. You never have, and never will matter. All you are is another voice on the phone to these customers. The very same ones who either think they're being scammed or are just calling to speak to another human. Seriously. One story went something along the lines of: An engineer attended the address to install equipment, only to find the customer stark bollock naked, surrounded by broken dolls and eating her own shit from a commmode. The person on the end of the phone was lucky, they didn't have to see that. They just had to get shouted at by someone with serious mental illness for 45 minutes.

Meanwhile the uper management are content to blow their own trumpets about how successful their company is, while standing on a battery farm of disillusioned people who only work there because they are desperate for work.

As for the workload? Jesus. Where to start? You sign into your phone, you wait ten minutes and twiddle your thumbs, then a call comes through. You disconnect. Another call. Straight away. No rest, no respite. Constant bombardment. This continues for eight hours, or in some cases up to twelve. At one point my friend recieved their shifts (by the way the shifts were decided a day before the last of your current shifts were decided. Take that, social life!) and was gobsmacked to discover that, despite them changing the game early on (they were informed during training that they would be working between 8am and 8pm, on any given day, including weekends, and that these shifts were subject to change at 24 hours notice), they were rota'd in for three weeks of 10 hour shifts. No arguments. That was happening, you don't like it? Leave.

I'm sure there are worse jobs, but i'm lucky enough not to have experienced them. My friend, who i will now call John, once witnessed a member of his team putting eyedrops in (as prescribed by her doctor) only to be chastized by a passing team leader for "chatting". This fat bitch really was a nasty peice of work. Power corrupts, she was proof. A constant scowl on her fat face, and a massive arse. Hideous. She took her self loathing out on everyone else and was a truly pathetic individual.

The layoffs happened about two months into Johnny's stint at this place. One of his friends, a father with a young family who were scraping by, was unceremoniously sacked for daring to take time off to care for his daughter when his fiance' was sick. The guy didn't have enough shit to deal with, apparently. Oh, by the way, if for some reason you were thinking this still sounds better than your current job then the good news is that they're taking on. The bad news is that you won't get a job with them unless you're signing on. See, they only take on people off the dole as the head honcho (i have yet to find the words that describe this creature)gets a bonus for every single one! Yep, he'll take you on, give you a little while then fuck you off to do the same to some other sucker. You will be told of all the wonderful opportunities for advancement that are available. They certainly are, if you know the right people. If not, or if you dare to say that their system is wrong..... fuck you. Because we all know that independent thought has no place in business, right? Yeah.......

For example. Johnny mentioned to his team leader that if the incoming calls were dealt out in a way that gave people maybe 30 seconds to a minute between calls, there would be less reliance on placing the phone into busy at the end of the call. This would mean less opportunity to exploit the idle mode on the phone, which was essentially "do fuck all for a bit" mode. Added to this, when coming out of that mode you would be placed into the back of the queue for the next call. Meaning you would sit for 10 mins doing fuck all whilst everyone else got hammered. Common sense, right? Nope. Johnny was advised that "it's just the way things are with the system". Ok, so you're looking at a simple change that could improve morale, and create better results, but you can't be arsed changing because it's just "the way it is". Fuck! Do these people need a catscan!?!?!?

There's more to this but really, i'm not making allegations that may cause legal action should the people in charge see it. I'm going to end on what i could do right if i was in charge.

1. Ok, first of all there is NO FUCKING POINT in business wear in a call centre. The customers cannot see you. There's no point. Wear whatever you want.
As far as structuring incoming calls? Wherever possible there will be time in between calls. The idle mode will still be available, just check it's ok with a team leader before using it.

2.
Sick pay. Yeah, you heard right, if you call in sick you are still getting paid. If you keep your staff happy then they will show loyalty. Trust your workers. Without them you'd be working in fucking McDonalds. Treat these people with respect.

3.
A total ban on charity collecting, birthdays, pregnancy collections, advertising things for sale etc. This may sound harsh, but when working in a team of 40 people, how many of them do you actually know? If a colleague you're friendly with has a birthday, or a child, get them a card or a little present. as for charity, every colleague has the option to give 5p of their wages per week to charity through a company scheme. Trust me, this would earn a LOT more than asking everyone to pay a pound to wear fucking pink for the day. I'm quite a generous person, but i begrudge giving a fiver a week to people i don't know.

4.
Two 15 minute PAID breaks, and an hour for lunch. Unless you would prefer to take a half hour lunch, in which case- service permitting- you are allowed to leave an hour early.

5.
One place i worked in had a "whiteboard". You would put your name on it and ask to leave either half day, or an hour or so before the end of the day. Names went into a hat and the winner could go home. This was their own paid holiday they were taking, but nonetheless was a huge morale boost. Everyone likes leaving early, right?

6.
Instead of stuff like cakes or biscuits, the company selects one person who got 100% on a monitored call (basically, gave the best service possible) who recieves vouchers or a bonus on their wages. This happens once a month.

7.
An attainable minimum bonus. Say, £25 for getting the minimum requirement, really easy. £50 a little trickier and £100 for great stats across the board. This bonus is paid monthly.

8 A transparent progression system. Targets and criteria to be considered for promotion are set in stone, are given to all staf in an easy to understand manner, and any promotions are decided by an interviewing panel from another office branch. They have no personal relationships with any candidates, and are not allowed references for the position apart from the candidate's team leader.

There you go, that's just a few ideas to completely turn things around. Easy!

HIP HOP IS SHIT. HERE I GIVE EXAMPLES. HERE THE HATERS HATE.

I have a long-held and very deep hatred for the genre of music known as hip hop. There are many reasons, several of which will be mentioned here, but before i do i shall give you something to chew on. Like a wordy bone for you to weep solemnly upon.

Chapter one: concerning "Haters".

Urban Dictionary has provided two delicious definitions of the word "hater". I will vomit them into your waiting mouths like worms to chicks.

1. Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!
"I CANT STAND A HATER"
" look at them haters over there hatin cuz we rockin the new shit and they not"

Note that this peasant has spelt the word "jealous" incorrectly. The subtle use of exclaimation marks only compounds this cretinous bilgetorrent.

2. A term used by others, usually being suburban "gangsters", whose lives are absolutely and undeniably defined by what others think. These people "rumble" often and think of themselves as original and/or indestructable. People that use the term "haters" are the lowest stage of the evolutionary scale. They bleed the fastest and have thought processes similar to that of a mentally underdeveloped cat.

That's not one of my definitions, but if i was to gravitate towards one then it would be the second. Personally, I'm somewhere else on this. It's not the word, nor the people who use the word, but the mentality behind it.

Do you like bacon? Hell yeah you like bacon. It's the best goddamn food on the planet. Unless you are a vegetarian. This may mean you have your beliefs and are well entitled to them. You don't eat animals? Fair enough. I was the same for a long time. I didn't dislike anyone for eating meat, it was a personal choice.

So, we have established that some people don't like bacon. Now in terms of "hating". If you were a vegetarian you would be deemed to be "Hatin' on bacon? Why you hatin' on bacon?!?!?".
You may well give reasons but the fact remains. It's yes or no, black or white and no middle ground. In the grand scheme of Hatology there is no room for not feeling like eating meat or maybe preferring some cereal. No, your breakfast must be bacon or you will be taken from this ghetto and shot for hatin'.

This is ridiculous, and a major symptom of why hip hop culture is a vile cancer which must be stopped.

Chapter 2. Hip hop is pointless.

Rap music began as an offshoot of disco in the late 70's. Disco was abhorrent. Let's not dispute that. What happened was that the Sugar hill gang made quite a catchy song in which they expressed delight at their rap japery, all was well. Then other people started doing it. Now i don't know exactly what they were thinking, but eventually they began to "beatbox". Now, i'm not a scientist but i reckon if you added up all the time people spend becoming an awesome beatboxer, divided it in half and calculated such things. Then it would be roughly enough time to get a fucking job, buy a drumkit and hang out with real musicians long enough to actually make music.
Sadly, my words go unheeded. Beatboxing continues unabated. On top of this mumblefuckery, morons the world over started to rhyme words over the top of these stuttercunts on streetcorners across hell. Thus, modern hip hop as we know it was born. They graduated to turntables so they could steal music from musicians. Talk over it, and display it to the world like a toddler who has produced their first turd in a real toilet.
Bellends the world over went just apeshit for this, and soon a vernacular was born. Soon it became gangsta rap. In which people from bad backgrounds competed to see who was from the worst background. This celebration of poverty would have been a lot less offensive were it not for the shocking treatment of crime and women in this garbage. Women are called ho's and bitches, where crime is glorified. I would provide lyrics to illustrate this, but you lose IQ points every time you so much as look at this shite.
Public enemy appeared just before this, and proceeded to lie about things. Now, again, i'm not a scientist. Nor am i involved in the national gard in any way, but i seriously doubt that Flava Flav can fly a helicopter. Nor did he break Chuck D out of prison using said helicopter. Even if he did, how many violent rapists, murderers and paedophiles escaped during your destruction of the prison, Chuckles? Really? If the shawshank redemption ended with Andy letting everyone go would you still cheer him on? I fucking wouldn't. Stop being so selfish Chuck D.

Secondly, a lot of late 90's hip hop was incredibly racist. This equates to me saying i hate Mr. T because Robert Mugabe is a shit. It doesn't make sense. So i'm caucasian, i'm oppressing you am i? sorry i was too busy being 12 years old and playing contra to oppress anything. Would it make you feel better if i started using irrational logic back? Peasants. Mr. T is fucking awesome by the way, i wanted to be him when i grew up. Such a racist child i was.

This is another point, every major label at the time was run by whites and jews. David Geffen, a gay, jewish man was in charge of one of the biggest companies in the world. Did these "artists" have any problems taking his money? Did they fuck. There you go, you and your principles. What you don't realise is that it just makes the racists more racist and everyone else more reluctant to defend you. You burned a lot of bridges with this shit, rap.

After that Rap started spreading it's cancer to other genres. We had to put up with pop having some dildo rhyming over the likes of britney or mariah carey or whatever. Not that i like either of those, they're shit. Who listens to Just Dance by lady gaga for the bit where the guido starts talking through an autotune? come on, hands up! Yeah, fuck off. Nobody does because it's fucking shit. We had will smith doing his best to beige the fuck out of everything with whatever asinine, anaemic crap he produced. We had Nelly paying women to pretend to be obsessed with him, we had justin timberlake working with pea head (bloke from the neptunes, forgot his name). Cock.

Rap became like that kid in school who was borderline retarded, but the whole class had to slow down so he could keep up. We were all nice to his face, because it's not his fault he was a bit slow, but secretly we longed for him to be diagnosed and sent elsewhere. I'm looking at you, robert webster. Rap was everywhere. You couldn't turn on the tv without seeing some old woman rapping about fucking fanta, or santa rapping about wrapping. It was a joke, we made it safe. We made it boring. At least Gangsta had a bit of spice to it, it was something to provoke a reaction. Hip hop had become boring, as a lot of rappers would no doubt say behind closed doors: It became white.

Then, just when it couldn't possibly get any worse........

Rap metal. And that, motherlovers, is another blog entirely.

LOVE. YES LOVE, THAT OLD BASTARD.

Those of you reading may know me personally. If so you would probably have noticed not only a lack of posts on here but also that i'm acting strangely.
Yes, looking at my phone, grinning like a moron then putting it away. Random smiles and a much sunnier disposition than usual.
Do not be alarmed, i have merely caught love. It's dangerous but at the moment i'm not that bothered. I've met a lovely girl. She is- in her words- "like you but with boobs". This is why i love the girl so much.
There are other reasons of course but i'm not going into them here. Why should i? hearing how wonderful my life is and how i have animated squirrels pissing fairy dust over me. No, you came here for chuckles and such and as sure as all scotsmen are drunk (and should find a real country) im going to give you some laughs.

Picture if you will a sunny sunday afternoon. My girlfriend and i are lying in bed half watching something on TV and chatting. Imagine my surprise when she comes out with "I hate all these women's rights things. Take them away from me, i don't want them. I'll just stay at home cooking and stuff".

She's not quite a suffragette.

What she lacks in an understanding of why women's rights are she more than makes up for in awesomeness. I did something a little mean upon recieving a copy of portal 2. I pretty much ignored her (after she'd come over after work to see me) for 2 hours to play it. That was mean, i shouldnt have but i did lose track of time.
So i decided to ask her a couple of days later if she would like a go. Nope, she was adamant that it looked hard, or boring and she just wasn't into it. Well........

She's now into assassin's creed 2, bayonetta and batman: arkham asylum. Yep, awesome. She's becoming a geek. She bought me a tshirt she thought would look nice on me. I wore it for a week. Then i washed it and wore it again. You know why? was i trying to humour her? nope. That tshirt was a black as hell one with darth vader on it. Bad. ass. She thought i was humouring her. I'm not.

So the other day we were watching the apprentice and one of the contestants has very dead looking eyes. Of course i point out this and my gorgeous other half jumps on me, looks me right in the eye and asks "what's behind my eyes then!?!?!!?" "this", i replied.

You know what the coolest thing is though? no, not that. Take your mind out the gutter. The coolest thing is the fact that, while she might not have the same enthusiasm for certain things as i (for example, Batman, Comics, Zombie movies and other things), she tries. That's the thing, I took her to Manchester Comic-Con the other day and did she moan about the crowds? no. Did she think these people were dumb for dressing up as fictional characters? That grown men were turned to shit about japanese cartoons and meeting little people that were unseen in films she has never heard of? Nope. Not at all, my girlfriend embraced it and tried to see something cool in there. She did, and she takes at least some interest in it because it's new to her. I've never known anyone like that, let alone dated someone like that.

Thing is, it's not a one sided thing. Much as she found it amusing how i was staring wide eyed at stormtroopers and people dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed i felt the same when we walked into Lush in Liverpool city centre. I saw her go completely wide eyed and run round the shop sniffing the different potions and soaps etc on display. Like a tiny blonde rocket, she was so excited and it was genuinely sweet to watch. She talks about clothes and shoes and though i could find that boring, i don't. I don't because she loves that stuff just as much as i love weird cartoons and comics and things.

Basically, no-one's allowed me now. It's a nice feeling. I freak out like im about to get mugged every time a girl looks at me. That's new. It's also new knowing that i've got someone who's actually as crazy about me as i am about her, and that this isn't just a stopgap thing between two bored people. I have no idea what i did to deserve this girl, but i'm glad i did.

Anyway, im going to do blogs about killing things again instead soon. Can't let the man-mask slip too far.

THIS BE A TEST. TAKE THE TEST AND JUDGE YO BAD SELF.

I will ask questions today. They are multiple choice so not too hard. There are no "wrong" answers but i am aware this blog is public so by inserting the phrase Jersey Shore Nudity Blake Lively Dildo Ugg Ice-Docking Lisa Stansfield J-Lo Moist Fiasco I'll probably get more google results. If you found this blog in this way then please take the test. Then shoot yourself in the face you fucking pervert.

1. You would define respect as:

A) "I see that my flatmate has bought bacon. I sure could use a bacon sandwich, i'll ask if it's cool if i have some".

B) "That bloke on the street i just saw called me an arsehole after i repeatedly shouted abuse at him and his girlfriend. This is a Disrespect and i must rectify this."

C)"I would describe respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."

2. After a long and tiresome day, you stop by the local Off License to pick up some drinks. You choose:

A) A few cans of Lager because, although you won't drink them all, one of your friends might call over and it's always nice to offer them a beer.

B) White cider. It's cheap and gets you wrecked.

C) Maybe a bottle of wine, rose' or something.

3. You own a games console. Which one? And which games are you looking forward to?

A) You own a PS3 or XBOX 360. You're looking forward to playing the new Metal Gear, Arkham city and Assassin's Creed.

B) You own a ps2 or at a push a 360 and you only really play fifa or UFC. You await the new need for speed games with huge enthusiasm but think GTA is a bit cerebral and dont like the jokes.

C) you own a wii/Nintendo DS and you just cant wait to play.... I don't know, whatever shit they make for those non-soles.

4. You hear your mobile ringing, what type of mobile is it, and who is calling?

A) It's a nice new phone you have on contract. It has a touchscreen/qwerty keyboard and a really nice camera. You spend too much time messing with apps on it though. It's one of your friends or family calling to ask what you're up to later or just checking in.

B) Someone gave me this phone. honest. Who's calling? er... duno. It's an alright phone like but i had to get it unlocked coz it stopped working a couple of hours after i got it.

C) it's a pay as you go one but i only stick ten pounds a year on it and only use it in an emergency. They're so expensive!

5. The last album you bought was?

A) I don't pay for music. The last piece of music i paid for was a charity single by Radiohead. Before that some obscure alternative group. The last thing i downloaded was a shitload of Rolling Stones albums, they're boss but it's not like Mick Jagger needs the money now is it?

B) A ringtone of that J-Lo Lambada abortion. Other than that you get your mate to do you a cd of pleasure rooms stuff or whatever identikit hip-hop foetus is popular this fucking week. Are you picking up a pattern here? No, you're not you fucking cretin.

C) That Susan boyle one, stop being shocked at what i said at the end of that last option. You're no less wretched.

6. You go shopping. Where?

A) Asda or tesco, they're both pretty cheap but you can get some nice stuff and a man can't live on readymeals. Gotta cook once in a while, because if you can cook you can impress. And impressing girls gets you places.

B) Iceland. I like them things they do for a quid but usually i'll have chippy or somethin.

C) I usually order from Acado and only buy organic, it's just better.

7. You have a date, who with and where do you go?

A) To a nice bar, no idiots and a decent vibe, sometimes they have bands on and they do food as well so if you get there early you can grab something. Don't want it too formal. I met her through a friend of mine, she's pretty awesome.

B) Met this bird who used to go out with me mate. probably go round hers coz shes got the kids. im gonna bring vodka though.

C) a meal at an expensive restaurant followed by yachting.

END OF QUIZ. NOW PREPARE FOR JUDGEMENT.

Mostly A's: You are like me, so therefore pretty awesome. You're a big hit with the ladies and own a nice phone, you're kick-ass at videogames and have impeccable taste, a massive penis and can benchpress many times your own size. You are a god among men, and likely have the faint fragrance of petrol about your person, despite not being anywhere near petrol. Sometimes you like to shave with a hunting knife, just because you can, and you probably like to go out to the woods and fight bears. Not because you dislike them, but because you want to earn their trust. You can probably fly helicopters too, fuck i want to buy you a beer right now. You magnificent beast.

Mostly B's. You're scum. Hate to break it to ya son, but you're worthless. You have nothing to offer society and should really just stop breeding. After all, do we really need any more illiterate car theives? Though if by some black magic or other you're actually reading this, even if you're mouthing the words, there may be hope. Buy a suit. Stop saying "lad" because you are NOT Optimus Prime. Your friends? fuck 'em. I'm giving you an out here, offering you a hand. They might find this, they probably won't but if they do? Yeah i'll help them too. Walk into the Jobcentre and tell them you are looking for work and you WILL take anything. You're not scared of hard work anymore, you're primed. You're ready. You're fucking dumb, but there might be a use for you other than wall insulation. Read a fucking book once in a while, stop listening to anything with a rapper and have some fucking self respect.
Remember i said before there are no "wrong" answers? I lied, you yourself are a wong answer to a rhetorical question. There's hope of course, but it fades every day you maintain this behaviour.

Mostly C's You are a midedle aged woman, how in the name of godly jism did you end up here? Kudos to you though, you've got tenacity. And you probably know what Tenacity means. You probably noticed that my grammar isn't amazing either. Well guess what? This man makes his own grammar. And that shit is MANLY.

I hope this enriched your lives.