ZE OLYMPICS. LIKE THE SUPPORT BAND TO THE END OF THE WORLD. LET US BOTTLE THIS GARBAGE OFFSTAGE.

Ok so first of all i have little to no interest in sport. It involves neither beer or sharking to get laid so has no merit in my eyes. 

Every four years the BBC give hours and hours of TV and radio coverage to sports that nobody has heard of, the whole world comes together to watch some tit from lowestoft wiggle their arse in a walking race. Walking is not a sport. Walking is what you do when travelling to the shop on a hungover sunday to purchase milk, fags and possibly a copy of the sunday sport (which has no sport but many half naked women, somethiing i can get behind).

Have you ever seen this shit in action? Seriously, people dedicate their lives to this: 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

She actually looks like a hooker in a hurry, which is a much better name than "racewalking" which sounds like some kind of charity supported by Lenny Henry.

Seen here as M. Bison in Shakespeare's Othello.

Dressage. Which until now i believed to be a quantity of dresses, is actually a fucking wii game brought horribly to life. In short, a horse minces about with some tophatted gobshite burdening it then stops. That's it. Wear hat. Move horse. This is not a sport, it's a gesture. 

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at one point one of the commentators in this video says "look how straight they are". No comment.

Apparently that was dramatic. 300 was dramatic. This is someone riding a horse. Zero drama, many hats. Not a sport. Next.

Here are some ideas for improving the olympics. 

1. Have it on a massive floating platform in the middle of the ocean, with no railings. That way nothing is safe. You want drama? You got it! 
2. Dressage, ping pong and mincing are out. Chainsaw fighting, men's freestyle punch ups and women's freestlye catfighting are in.
3. THUNDERDOME
4. Pie eating contests, i know its not a sport but neither is fucking ping pong.
5. Sue barker out. Kelly brook in.
6. Crucify adrian chiles on a massive cross made of license payer's frozen piss.
7. For the ladies, the ever likeable and charming Ryan Reynolds.
8. Women's competitive cosplay, why? Here's why.

For those of you now up on the term, in short here are the 2 opposing extremes of cosplay; 

WINNING!!!!!!!!!!

Ehhhhhh..... not so much.

So now we have that out of the way (stop looking at cammy, i saw her first) we can move on to the most annoying thing about this utter shitparade. The Opening ceremony. We get a bunch of precocious little shits and parade them round a stadium in front of THE WHOLE WUUURRRLLLL because apparently the people of Darfur and Libya will probably down tools for a bit to watch some affulletics after seeing some grinning little shit piss about with a flag. Wonderful. "hey, remember when i had the ebola virus and watched some competitive walking? cleared it right up!". Seriously these ceremonies beggar belief. The closing one at the last one was odd enough. Jimmy Page appeared on the top of a bus and Liona Lewis murdered a Led Zeppelin song in front of THE WHOOLLLL WUUURRRLLL then Boris Johnson failed to wave a flag. Then people who were meant to represent british culture but were more like an eastern European Village People came out and danced a bit. Then, and i'm taking this as a quote:

"A handover of a treasured English football by a child of the world to a child of London that takes place by the bus -- a symbolic gesture reflecting the importance of friendship and young people to the Olympic Movement."

 Okay. So one, London is in the world. I live in the world and i've been to London. It's nice, i liked it, and it is DEFINITELY in the world. So that kid who stole the football, wherever he was from, is the one who isn't on the world mate.

Secondly "the importance of friendship and young people to the olympic movement". Please come and form an orderly queue for me to kick you all in the fucking teeth.What a tepid, boring thing to say. This is sports! It's COMPETITIVE. You COMPETE in events to WIN. This statement makes it sound like a fucking 90's music video by arrested development. Hippie scum. This is why we need thunderdome. 

I can't wait for these tourists to flood in to watch this garbage only to get knifed up by some horrid little chav in an alley somewhere. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of. Sarcasm, Xenophobia, Surreal humour, satire, binge drinking, casual drug use, teen pregnancy, poverty and bland food. That'll show the bastards! Come on world! bring your "children of the world" over here and unleash Jeremy Kyle's finest on 'em! Let's 'ave it!

I'm going to introduce hooliganism to the olympics. I'm going to get monumentally drunk, paint myself with the St George's flag and scream EEEENGERLUUUUNNNNN at the opening ceremony then throw bottles of napalm at the international fuckwits who turn up to bellend it up for half an hour while taxpayers money goes up in a shitload of fireworks. That's right, i work in a job i hate and pay taxes for this shit. I should be represented. Fuck you, world. You're in my house now and i make the rules.

And you know what? if a couple of hundred people did turn up and act like that i would give them medals. They're doing more for this country by showing this garbage up for what it is than sitting at home blogging about it. I'm serious here. I hate the attitude behind the olympics. The people who organize it, the sports themselves. The slogans, the 50 grand logos. Boris Johnson. All of it. Call it all off and let's just spend the money on one massive pissup. Why? Here's why.

BECAUSE WE ARE ENGLISH. DRINKING AND FIGHTING IS WHAT WE DO. YOU DISAGREE? WELL COME ON, WORLD. OUTSIDE. COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF YOU TEPID, PING PONG PLAYING, DRESSAGE LOVING FUCKS.

BEFORE READING THIS YOU REALY SHOULD CLICK THE LINK BELOW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDSK91mUNLU

 

listen to this pice of shit.

So. Mika here thinks that "big girls are beautiful". Well as far as the girls in the video go some are ok. After a stylist, makeup artist and several post production folks have had a good tinker with you.

Thing is, this prick is telling every lardy twat in the country that they're just fucking fine and dandy as they are. Jamie Oliver dies for your sins and this is how you repay him!?!?

I could write a book about what is wrong with this situation but i'll settle for a blog post. Now, first of all i'm not using the word big. Lets call a spade a spade here. Fat. Yes, fat. That's right. Fat girls you are apparently beautiful. According to one man who would absolutely never even think of sleeping with you. 

Sorry to burst your bubble but the fact is Mika is very, very gay indeed and would never even entertain the thought of being anything other than a friend to you.

So on a typical night out wiht Mika you could expect to be chated up by some labourer from Bolton or something. Yay, go you! Fatty done pulled a retard! Well done. I hope you're happy together. 

A far more likely scenario is that you will sit there with Mika and watch men stay away in their droves, thats ok though! You're only out with your friend who understands you as a woman and sees you for who you are. Regardless of size. He'll get a call after a couple of hours and go see his "friend" but that's cool. You had a good night, you go home and sleep it off and you know what? It's all ok because he loves you for who you are and you're happy with your size. 20 or otherwise.

So you turn on the TV at home, and what comes on but that advert you like. You know? The diet coke one, where that gorgeous bloke comes and takes his top off! Ooh he's lovely isn't he? He's not there this time though. No, it's Eamonn Holmes.

He's not even that fat, but would you go round singing "average bloke, you are wonderful"? would you fuck.

Eamonn is standing there topless while these Bridget Jones types leer at him and give themselves in to a sexual frenzy. Still finding this cheeky, sexy, funny? No, no youre not. Why's this? Well because you just got fucking SERVED, thats why! 

Eamonn Holmes isn't even that fat, hes not massive, hes thouroughly averaged really for a middle aged man. Who is going round singing his praises? Do we have some woman singing a catchy disco-pop tune while a hundred husky but unremarkable middle aged men mince down some stairs behind them? No! 

I've a couple of theories about why this is and the first one is that men just don't care. You know why? No, it's not because men are stupid, you could NOT be further from the truth. It's because men do not care about this trivial shit due to the fact that we are too busy trying to improve ourselves and everything else. Yes, you read that right. Real men don't get involved in this superficial shit due to the fact that we are all too busy doing a job, or trying to make something of ourselves for our families, or to attract someone to start a family with. Granted we do attempt to scrub up when we need to but we don't need a fucking pop singer to tell us that we have permission to do so. Most men's attitude goes something like "why are you singing about me? because i'm AWESOME? Well i knew that already, fuck off!". 

Thats how we think because thats how we're MEANT to think.

The second theory is that the men who do need this positive reassurance are so ashamed of it that they do not want anyone drawing attention to this fact, well this isnt something i can help with too much except to say that if that is you, then just do everything you can to sort that shit out. I used to be a right fat bastard myself, i lost weight and it wasnt easy but i did it. I'm not skinny now by any means but you know what? I have a lot of self confidence because i know i'm a really god guy and i have a lot to be proud of. If you don't see that yourself then you're just not looking hard enough. Seriously, fucking internet fives.

So here comes the main points, the main one being that if you're reading this and you're a woman are you so insecure that you need some idiot to write a song to say you're ok? Do you fuck, what you need is to look in a mirror and say that maybe youre not megan fox, and maybe you're not perfect, but you will never need anyone to validate you as a person. You're doing ok, and as long as you accept that you're not perfect, but you could be a hell of a lot worse, then you don't need anyone to patronize you! Does the media stick size zero models everywhere? So what? Do you think i reckon i'll ever get a girl who looks like Natalie Portman? Do you think i want to? Hell no! As long as you give me a boner and are fun to hang out with we're fine!

Give yourself a break, its stupid to think that this is what's excpected of you!

Anyway what im saying is just be happy and that you have every right to be confident and happy. It's a symptom of something very wrong when Mika has to write shit like that song, it's not your fault and you should sort yourself out if you're unhealthy, but if you can be happy then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

FUCK YEAH. MAN THOUGHTS.